Sometimes I Feel Like a Dinosaur

In 2013, I wrote a blog on my website. In it, I posed the question, “Is Technology splitting your relationship apart?” The article went on to explain how increasing online connections were giving us too much information, making our interactions impersonal and possibly even leading to more infidelity.

Today, that all seems true as I work with couples still struggling with hidden accounts, internet pornography and cybersex. I’m sorry to say that I don’t have the same level of fluster about it that I had six years ago.

I’m afraid that, as a Therapist, I’ve learned to accept the abuses of technology as a part of a couple’s life. I’ve gained new skills in treating internet affairs and porn addiction. Is this our new normal?

So today, in 2019, I’m thinking about a different way that technology is invading the relational space. This time it’s the News. We are literally bombarded from multiple sources day in and day out. The political climate of the past few years has created a constant flow of sensationalized stories.

Of course, there have always been weather reports. Snow storms, hurricanes, and earthquakes are not new. But now, we’re hit with Climate Change—disappearing ice, starving polar bears, ungodly heat waves, and dooms day predictions about how long the earth can stand this level of torment.

And there have always been politics and world events. This is not the first time that we’ve had Republicans disagreeing with Democrats. Some people wanting less government, some wanting more. We’ve disagreed about whether or not to send troops to war and whether or not to impeach sitting presidents.

But today, we’re hit with stories about fraud, corruption, abuses, inhumane treatment of others, dwindling of resources, increasing extinction of animals, collapsing economies, threat of nuclear war, and which countries are angry or have lost respect for us.

Back in the day, when the Dinosaurs roamed the earth, we read the morning paper or watched the nightly news to get filled in to all that was going on around us. Walter Cronkite used to tell it like it was…not much opinion or bias. We trusted him to give it to us straight and to let us make up our own minds. In between, we went to school and work, chatted to our friends and colleagues about daily life and had less anxiety.

Now I know that I might be exaggerating a bit, but the point is that we didn’t live the news 24/7. Because of technology, we have constant access to all of this news and everybody’s take on what it means. In order to make sense of anything, we need to listen to this side and that side and everything in between. Then, right before we go to bed, we listen to comedic talk show hosts who hash it up again.

The result is that we are seeing more and more people in therapy with increasing levels of anxiety and fear.

As a couples therapist, spouses complain that their partner is frequently upset or angry about what’s going on in the world. It leaks into their relationship and causes arguments. “She’s so mad about the world all the time!” or “He can’t stop posting about this story or the other!”

Sure, some people are still spending hours looking at Instagram photos or playing candy crushing games. But most are pulled by the news stories that pop up the moment we turn on our phones. Anxiety is often a healthy response to uncertainty and danger, but constant worry and nervousness may produce an anxiety disorder or disrupt the quality of your intimate relationship.

In the dinosaur days, I used to tell couples to set their alarms ten minutes early each morning and spend some time cuddling. It releases oxytocin, that famous bonding hormone and sets the day in the right direction. Or for single clients, I used to advise spending the first ten minutes of the day writing in a gratitude journal to get a positive attitude for the day to come. And now…

What do we do the minute we wake up? If you guessed “reach for the mobile phone” you’d be correct. In a recent survey, 46% of people browsed the phone before getting out of bed or having coffee!*
So instead, of cuddling, we lie back-to-back, each in an intimate embrace with a cold piece of technology full of bad news! Instead of the cuddle hormone, we’re starting the day with an unhealthy dose of stress hormones. I really miss my dinosaur days.

So why don’t we just turn it all off?

The answer to that is simple. It’s hard to do. There’s an addictive quality to the constant checking and re-checking of our phones, pads and computers for what’s new. And there’s no end to the constant stream of what’s new. Novelty creates dopamine and dopamine makes us want more and more.

It doesn’t mean, however, that we shouldn’t work at having some discipline.

Here are some things I recommend:

• Unless you’re a doctor on call, sleep with the phone in another room of the house.
• Set the alarm early and spend a few minutes stretching, breathing, journaling, reading a spiritual text or cuddling.
• Change the setting on your phone so that news doesn’t constantly stream on the home page. Check the news once per day.
• Take a technology break on the weekends.
• Leave the phone in the glove box of the car when going out to dine. Spend some time conversing while looking into the eyes of your companion.
• Opt into an online news digest. Get all your news at one short sitting. Choose one that isn’t overly biased and that bullet points stories with an option to link for more information.

I know that technology is here to stay. I also know the ultimate fate of those Dinosaurs. Don’t get me wrong. I love some aspects of technology. I’m happy to find a map to my granddaughter’s preschool, to quickly snap a great photo, to check the weather in another country and know that a volcano in Stromboli is erupting.

I do think, though, that we need some moderation before constant anxiety, depression and fear become our new normal. If it all feels like too much and you find yourself or your partner experiencing clinical anxiety, consider individual or couples therapy.

Here are the symptoms to watch for:

Symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder
Generalized anxiety disorder is excessive anxiety and worry that is difficult to control and causes serious distress or interferes with daily activities. These symptoms occur more days than not for at least six months, along with at least three of the following:

• restlessness or feeling on edge
• tiring easily
• difficulty concentrating
• irritability
• muscle tension
• sleep problems

Of course, if either you or your partner are experiencing this level of anxiety, it will impact your relationship. Check to see if you’re having more frequent bickering, shorter tempers, less eye to eye connection or touching. In that case, relationship therapy will help. Contact me today to start the conversation!

 

*Stats on people checking their smart phones is from a survey conducted by ReportLinker.