WHY Get Naked With Your Finances?

When couples come to see me they’re usually eager to talk about intimacy. They want emotional intimacy. They want spiritual intimacy. They definitely want sexual intimacy. But financial intimacy….wait….what?! You want me to get naked with my finances?

Does the sound of that send you running for the hills and vowing to stay single forever? Let’s take a look at why joining your finances to your partner feels harder than having sex or meeting the in-laws.

Years ago, couples got married in their early 20’s shortly after landing their first jobs. They set up house, went to work, and opened a joint checking account. They learned about saving and investing and financially grew up together.

Today’s couples, however, are a little older when marrying. Many are choosing to complete advanced degrees, establish themselves in careers and become financially secure before tying the knot. By the time they get together, they have already been managing their finances separately in some fashion or another. They have two perfectly good systems (Thank you very much!) and may decide to continue on in marriage the same as when single.

“I’ll pay mine and you pay yours” has some pitfalls as a marriage plan. First let’s talk about a few reasons why you might want to get financially naked with one another.

• First of all, most states are community property states for marital partners. That means that when you earn $1, your spouse has earned 50 cents of it. It also means that when he spends $1, you have spent 50 cents. Yes, you can have a Prenuptial Agreement that sets out the terms of your marriage dissolution, but while married, it’s all ours. Why pretend this isn’t true?

• Wouldn’t it be nice to know that your spouse is lying awake worrying about that overdue bill just as you are? The worst thing for a marriage is for one partner to be carrying the stress and concern about finances, while the other dreams on. This kind of unequal sharing of responsibility leads to resentment.

• Isn’t marriage all about shared dreams and goals? It builds intimacy for the two of you to work together to make them come true. Whether you’re saving for a vacation, a house or your children’s educations, being in it together is why you got married. There’s nothing better for an adult’s self-esteem than to know that he or she has contributed in a meaningful way to the quality of her’s and her partner’s life

So where do we begin? Is getting financially naked a slow strip tease and what do you take off first? Watch for my next blog where I’ll give you some ideas on how to get started.