I’ll Have One Healthy Relationship Please

Often, people call my office to ask if I can help them to have a “healthy relationship”. I started thinking about this request and what it really means to deliver it. What are the elements of a healthy relationship, exactly?

Two of  my colleagues in Interpersonal Neurobiology, David Rock and Daniel Siegel developed a model called The Healthy Mind Platter. They outlined seven daily mental activities that they think are essential in creating well-being and mental health. 

What if the same essentials individuals need to have a healthy mind are the same things couples need to have a healthy relationship? Let’s take a look at how we might build upon these tools.

Focus Time.  We live in the age of digital distraction. Are you ever guilty of looking down at your phone instead of into your partner’s eyes when they’re speaking? Focus allows us to be really present in the moment and this translates to care and love to your partner. We all want to know that we’re important and that we matter. Focusing on each other sends that message. 

Play Time.  Do you play with your partner? Setting down the to-do list, turning off the computer and allowing ourselves to be spontaneous or creative goes a long way in creating a healthy balance in life. Playing together, whether it’s a board game or a game of kickball makes new connections in the brain and to each other. Research has shown that playfully enjoying novel experiences even keeps our sexual attraction alive.

Connecting Time. When we connect, truly connect, with each other, we reinforce our enjoyment in the relationship. Being physically present, whether talking, cooking, or folding laundry activates and reinforces the brain’s relational circuitry. This builds a type of safety with one another and allows us to relax and experience joy.

Physical Time. When we move our bodies we strengthen our brains, our hearts and our happiness. So, get off the sofa and go for a walk, dance or get aerobic in bed together. A daily dose of physical activity is a recipe for physical, mental, emotional and relational health. 

Time In. There is also great benefit from taking some time to sit still and reflect internally. Some couples sit quietly next to each other in meditation, silence or prayer. Remember to focus on sensations, images, feelings and thoughts. Perhaps you’ll want to open up and share some of this internal wandering with your partner. Be sure to listen deeply, with curiosity and no judgement. This is the very essence of emotional intimacy.

Down Time.  It’s okay to binge-watch mindless TV once in a while, too. Sometimes our brains just need to relax. When we are non-focused, without any specific goal, we boost relaxation. This is how we recharge. Hanging out, doing nothing, is one of my favorite ways to spend time with my husband.

Sleep Time. Healthy adults sleep an average of 6-8 hours per night.  Have you ever found yourself cranky with your partner’s behavior when the real culprit is that you’re exhausted and sleep-deprived? We need to sleep to consolidate learning and to recover from the experiences of the day. Cuddling up together at night while sleeping is one of life’s greatest joys. Make your bedroom your relationship sanctuary: clean, neat, beautiful. Install soft lighting, music, fluffy pillows. Keep it free of distractions like computers, TV’s and telephones.

Practicing these seven tools will not only lead to a well-integrated and healthy mind, but also to a stronger, healthier relationship. Try to incorporate all of these into your daily diet and let me know if you start to notice that the healthy relationship you ordered is being delivered.