Parenting Marriage

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It’s a familiar situation. A couple arrives at my office for an appointment. As a licensed Marriage Therapist, I prepare myself to hear how I might help them. They explain that they’ve been married for a number of years and have three young children, but have been separated for some time after an affair. They don’t know whether or not they want to be married, but they definitely do not want to divorce! They consider reconciliation, but the romance is gone. They care about each other but no longer feel as if they are in love. They want to do what’s best for their children. “We do not want to be divorced” they repeat.

My focus as a Marriage Therapist has traditionally been to help couples heal past issues, reconnect and find joy and satisfaction together. Over the years, I’ve written many articles about what couples can do to nurture their relationship and strengthen their bond. I’ve written parenting articles and looked at today’s marriage expectations.

The expectations of marriage have changed significantly over time:

Pre-1850; Institutional Marriage: Until around 1850, the marital union was based on the need to help each other with food production, shelter, and protection.

1850 – 1965; Companionate Marriage: After a shift from rural to urban life, American marriages focused more on intimate needs like loving, being loved, and an active sexual life.

1965 – Present; Self-Expressive Marriage: Today, we look to marriage increasingly for self-discovery, self-esteem, and personal growth. And while satisfying these higher-level needs yields greater happiness, it also requires more time, energy, and work to get there. Unfortunately, average Americans are investing less in their intimate relationships–to the detriment of these relationships – which end about half the time.

Our couple above expects a lot from their marriage. They want it all. But she admits that she doesn’t really love him anymore and he can’t forgive her infidelity. They’re friends, and they’re good co-parents, but they’re not able to be a true couple anymore in the traditional sense. They feel guilty and sad and they desperately don’t want to hurt the kids. They wring their hands and ask, “Should we stay, or should we go?”

I ask them, “What if there was a way to both stay and go?”

Recently, I had the privilege of training with a colleague named Susan Gadoua. Susan is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Northern California. She is an author and her latest co-authored book is entitled The New I Do. In it she, and journalist Vicky Larson, outline various creative alternatives to traditional marriage. One such variation is called the Parenting Marriage. This is an intriguing new structure for couples with children who want a divorce but are staying for the children. It is frequently the least bad option.

In a Traditional Marriage, the relationship is emotion-based, romantic, and focused on the couple. Parenting Marriage shifts the focus to the children and is purpose-based and practical. Parents can choose to live separately, in the same house, or in different houses. They are assisted to work through Susan’s Parenting Marriage workbook, filling out forms that help them to make agreements and set up a structure for the arrangement. For example, couples are aided in setting Parenting Goals, creating a Time Line, and designing a Parenting Marriage Agreement.

The purpose of a Parenting Marriage is to allow couples to feel good about continuing to rear their children together in a stable, two-parent home. It gives them a sense of freedom while maintaining access to resources. It provides better financial well-being and eliminates the pain of missing their children when in the other’s custody.

The advantage of a Parenting Marriage for children is living with parents who are present, stable, get along better, and provide a healthy role model for a good relationship. In today’s world, our youth are confronted with many diverse models for gender, sexuality, relationships, and family constellation. Parenting Marriage shows them that there are healthy alternatives to Traditional Marriage, which we know statistically fails half of the time.

Susan points out that there are some essential keys to a Parenting Marriage and that it may not be for everyone. If you think it might be for you, ask yourself these questions:

  • Are we good Co-Parents or are we willing to get the help needed to become them? In other words, do we have shared goals, shared parenting styles, and can we offer a united front?
  • Do we have a good enough relationship? This includes good communication, mutual respect, kindness, caring, and a willingness to give and take.
  • Can we accept that the relationship is over and be friends?
  • Are we willing to hire the right professionals early on? This will include attorneys if needed, financial planners, and therapists.
  • Do we trust each other and agree on the new terms of the marriage? In other words, can we trust that our agreements will be followed by the other, and are we willing to negotiate and compromise?
  • Do we care what others think to the point that their opinions will erode our courage?

I think about all of the couples I know, both personally and professionally, who are living in a Parenting Marriage by default. Susan’s work gives us a way for those couples to actually design that marriage with intention. Although she states that it’s clearly not a one size fits all type of solution, for many couples it allows them to find relief from trying to revive a dead marriage and gives them the satisfaction of keeping life stable for their children. Looking at the research on how divorce impacts children, it seems fairly clear that parental conflict is what hurts kids the most. (See Constance Ahrons and Paul Amato) Parenting Marriage can offer a solution to the disruption of divorce.

This new alternative allows parents to stay together in a stable pattern to rear their children while enjoying the freedom of their individual lives. Once the Parenting Marriage is arranged, couples will want to spell out the new rules for dating and being with others. Sometimes, like my client couples above, people need time to grieve the traditional marriage. They may need to separate for a few months or more and then come back to the Parenting Marriage. Again, no one size fits all, but the model is fluid and flexible to meet each couple where they are.

There is really no downside to trying a Parenting Marriage if you are ambivalent about staying or going. Some couples find themselves working back into a traditional marriage, some stay in the Parenting Marriage until the children launch and beyond, and some find themselves ready to divorce after a time. What’s evident is that with this kind of negotiating and planning, people tend to be less stressed out, fight less, and come together for their children. This is not a linear process but rather one that ebbs and flows with the needs of the family.

In reality, Parenting Marriage is an out-of-the-box alternative when neither staying in a dead Traditional Marriage nor divorcing seems right. It’s not for everyone but can work when both parents are willing and able to agree to its terms. It allows parents time to decide what to do when ambivalent, saves money, preserves the stability of the family unit, and maintains a strong co-parenting relationship.

Please reach out if you’d like to hear more about exploring the option of a Parenting Marriage.
I’d be happy to help you assess if it’s right for you.