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As a Relationship Therapist, I am seeing my client couples online during Sheltering in Place due to COVID-19. I am finding that we are all experiencing increased stress, leading to feelings of being overwhelmed, irritable, depressed and angry.

We are living with a level of unpredictability that we feel no real power to do anything about. The world outside is unpredictable and we don’t know what to believe or who to trust. There is so much information and disinformation that we’re left anxious about our health, our finances, our jobs…our lives.

In childhood, we are traumatized whenever our parents are unpredictable or volatile and we don’t know what to expect. We cannot trust them. Because we’re young, we have no control or power over our situation. These experiences get recorded as trauma in our brains and bodies. We learn helplessness and react by either protesting or shutting down. In simple terms, we carry that reactivity into our lives for decades. We’re always looking for safety and are hyper-vigilant to danger.

I’m beginning to realize that COVID-19 can trigger some of those survival patterns learned in childhood. It is for this reason, that some people are overwhelmed by anxiety, unable to sleep, restless and finding it hard to stay home. Others are sinking into depression, shutting down, becoming lethargic. They struggle to get off the sofa or get out for a walk.

COVID19 has created similar trauma, in some cases bringing us right back to the feelings we experienced as children. It’s made our lives unpredictable. We cannot trust its course or outcome and we feel helpless over so many facets of our lives in the face of it. What can we do?

STEPS TO COPING WITH FEELINGS OF HELPLESSNESS
Fortunately, we are no longer as helpless as when we were children. It’s important to allow our Adult Brain the opportunity to choose a response, rather than the familiar reaction learned in childhood. We can choose to follow some guidelines to help us to manage the fear, anxiety and depression we feel.

Organize Your Day:  I find that it is important to organize my day into what I can do to avoid going into what’s called “timeless helplessness”. I invite you to find a rhythm and to establish a daily routine. Know when you’ll wake up, have breakfast, talk to friends, do some work, walk the dog, cook dinner, etc. Don’t let your days just pass by or you’ll experience more malaise and lethargy!

Get Moving: Another important tool to fight the feelings of helplessness, is mobility. Physical movement is key. Go for a walk, lift some weights or practice some movement. Our bodies are the one thing we have control over right now. Exercise increases endorphins and dopamine to help us feel better.

Get Support Online: There are many other tools, available online, for dealing with strong emotion. For example, there are apps for practicing mindfulness, meditating, praying, and breathing. We also have access to many helpful professionals guiding us to eat better and to stay healthy by improving our immune systems. I’ve found online workouts and yoga classes to stay active.

Connect with your Partner:  Relationally, it’s important to also schedule in some time to connect with your partner.
Make a ritual for a time to talk, share a meal or cuddle up.
It’s easy to feel lonely while our daily lives are disrupted. Try to  use this time to increase your friendship and intimacy with one another.  Maintaining your sexual interactions releases feel-good hormones and releases stress.
Many couples will come together over this crisis. But many others are struggling right now. They are feeling disconnected and are fighting more. External stressors are causing a lack of patience with one another. Uncertainty is met with a need to control which sometimes ends up being a need for our partner to be different.
People who don’t get along are trapped together all day. Police Statistics and Domestic Abuse Hotlines are showing a rise in reports around the world, as much as 30%. Divorce rates have also risen in Asia and it’s predicted that the Western World will follow once the crisis is over.

Be Aware of Situational Tension: If you and your partner are experiencing increased tension in your relationship, you may be locked in a Power Struggle. Perhaps you are trying to communicate, but your words to one another are filled with judgement, blame, and criticism. This, inevitably, will lead to misery for you. Yesterday, I asked a particularly angry couple if it was their goal to walk out of lockdown together at the end of this time? Some of us are behaving in ways where that will not be possible if we’re not careful. Experience shows that your struggles won’t resolve themselves and may get worse if you don’t address them head on.

Call a Truce: No criticizing, no ignoring each other, no name-calling, no defensiveness. Now is not the time to be pointing out your partner’s character defects.
(How to Remove Criticism to Improve Your Most Important Relationship )

Here are some ways to help change the focus

• Pull up two chairs, face one another and connect with your eyes. Take turns expressing appreciation for one another during this time of crisis.
• Move on to telling one another about the underlying fears that you’re experiencing. Beneath a lot of anger and frustration, is fear. Allow yourselves to be vulnerable and to safely express what you’re feeling.
• Describe to one another what resources you’re finding helpful (breathing, walking, reading, praying, baths, cooking, chatting with friends, etc).
• Get clear about each of your needs for both space and connection.
• Work together to create rituals to support one another.
• Share and celebrate the moments where you’ve seen goodness, hope, beauty and inspiration in the world during this crisis.
• Reach out for online counseling if you are stuck or unable to have a safe connection on your own.

Give yourselves a Break: We have never dealt with something like this before in a collective way. Each day brings its joys and disappointments.

Work with some of these ideas so that you can not only survive, but thrive in this unusual time.

Please let me know if I can help get you through this challenging time. Wishing you all safety, good health, calm minds and open hearts.

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Are you one another’s best friend? When did you become each other’s best friend?

These are questions on a list of questions to open discussion prepared by the Facilitator of a Speakers Panel on Premarital Therapy that I’ve been asked to sit on.

Presumably, the Panel is made up of three engaged couples and me, the Relationship Expert. As I read through the numerous other questions, I found myself nodding in agreement; questions about trust, financial agreements, how to get along with in-laws. Yes, these are good things to talk about before entering into marriage.

But, “Are you one another’s best friend?”  Something about this concept gives me pause. I’m not convinced that it’s all that necessary, or possible, for a spouse to also be a best friend. Sure, there are elements of friendship common in a healthy marriage. I decided to examine my skepticism a bit further.

First, I looked up the definition of the word friend.
A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
Well, that’s interesting. Yes, my husband and I do share a bond of mutual affection but I certainly don’t wish my marriage to be exclusive of sexual relations. And, it feels like over time, we do indeed become family as we adopt pets, have children and mingle our families of origin.

So then, I looked up the word spouse.
A husband or wife, considered in relation to their partner.

Okay, so what’s a husband or a wife?
A married couple

Can you see how this is becoming frustrating? Perhaps the confusion lies in the vague way in which we define what it means to be a married couple.
What is marriage?
The legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship.

That seems true, but doesn’t quite capture everything we expect of our marital relationships. Of course, marriage is a personal relationship, but so is friendship, and motherhood, and sometimes our relationship with our hairdresser. No wonder we’re confused.

In our culture, we are constantly trying to define our still changing relationships. We have grown to expect marriage to fulfill many of our needs. Esther Perel, a leading therapist, author and speaker says that we want, with the same person, to experience security, adventure, stability, change, dependability and surprise. We want this same person to be our best friend, and our trusted confidante and our passionate lover.

We really have this idea that one person today will give us what an entire village used to provide. In other words, we have unprecedented and unrealistic expectations for our romantic relationships. Perel says, our marriages have become the new religion.

Until around 1850, we lived in the age of “institutional marriage”. The union was based on the need to help each other with food production, shelter and protection. As we shifted from rural to urban life, American marriages focused more on intimate needs like loving, being loved and an active sexual life. This was called the age of “companionate marriage”.

Today, we seem to be focused on “self-expressive marriage”. These higher level needs, when satisfied, can yield greater happiness, but also require more time, energy and work to get there. Unfortunately, average Americans are stressed, over-worked, and financially challenged. We seem to be investing less in our intimate relationships at a time where we expect more. Our divorce rates reflect this.

Perhaps this is why the question “Are you one another’s best friend?” bothers me. I’m not so sure that it’s a good idea to expect that. If we could lower our expectations of the role of this one person in our lives, we might find ourselves more satisfied with who they truly are. We might actually find our marriage more fulfilling.

Furthermore, when I think about what a “best friend” is to me, I can’t help but notice how different my husband’s definition is.

To me, a woman, my best friend is someone who listens to me talk, sometimes ad nauseam about my thoughts and feelings. She never grows bored and never tries to fix my problems. She likes to go for mani-pedis and thinks sitting at Starbucks chatting for two hours is time well spent.

My husband’s best friend is more likely to engage in his favorite activities with him—watching a game on TV or playing a sport. They can spend hours together while discussing absolutely nothing. If he were to get a promotion in another city, his friend would be happy, encouraging, and supportive. While I, on the other hand, would most probably have 100 questions about how that decision would impact me and our lives together.

So, the conclusion I’ve arrived at is this: by all means befriend your spouse. Enter into a bond of mutual affection, sexual activity and friendly behavior. Offer encouragement and support wherever possible. Just don’t stress if you secretly don’t consider each other “best friends”.

Now would be a good time to sit down with your partner to talk about your friendship. What do you each expect? How are you satisfying each other and where might you be disappointed? Remember, the goal is not to be everything to one another. Keep your expectations in check and celebrate the beauty of your connection.

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As a Psychotherapist over the past 30 years, I’ve received thousands of calls from individuals and couples inquiring about my services. Over time, I’ve noticed that there is quite a lot of variation in their level of interest.

Some are just thinking about the possibility that therapy might be useful. They’re gathering information about fees and availability and how I work. Others are quite sure that they don’t need therapy, but their partners are insisting that they come in. Still others are quite motivated and book an appointment on the first call.

These various levels of readiness are consistent with the Stages of Change Model developed by James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente. In this model, the authors have outlined five distinct stages of how people approach change. I’ve found that I get a lot of information about where the future client is by applying these ideas as early as the first phone call.

Let’s look at the Stages of Change here. Perhaps you can identify where you are in your own thinking about getting some therapeutic help.

Pre-Contemplation

In this stage, you don’t see any real need to change. The issues in your life aren’t bothering you. You are most likely not seeking therapy unless someone is pressuring, or coercing you in some fashion. Sometimes, couples end up in Relationship Therapy with one person in this stage, while the other is further along. This is sometimes the “ignorance is bliss” stage of change.

Contemplation

In this stage, you realize that a change needs to happen. Your individual or relational issues are feeling unmanageable and you are contemplating the need to improve. You are not fully committed yet, but definitely it’s on your mind. You’re still thinking about or talking to friends. You’re not quite ready to pick up the phone and call for therapy.

Preparation

In the Preparation stage of change, you’ve decided that it’s time to change your dysfunctional behavior or patterns. This is sometimes called the “testing the waters” stage. This is where I find people who are calling to inquire about how therapy works, how it might benefit them and what’s possible in terms of time and financial commitment. Here, you’re preparing to engage in the process of change.

Action

The Action stage is where you make the appointment and show up for therapy. You are consciously choosing new behaviors, gaining new insights and developing new skills. In this stage, you feel enthusiastic and motivated and possibly a bit anxious. Most of therapy happens in this stage unless someone is pressured when still in the Pre-Contemplation stage. “I’m only coming for her…”

Maintenance

The fifth stage of this model of change is where you sustain the commitment to the new behavior and interactions. Sometimes people terminate therapy too soon and don’t get enough support for maintenance of the changes. When this happens you might enter an optional sixth stage called Relapse. This also contributes to repeat customers or clients who come in after having seen other therapists.

If you are in the Contemplation or Preparation Stage and wondering if therapy could help you, these questions might help you to figure that out. Ask yourself:

• Is there anyone who knows and cares about all or almost all the significant events of your life? If married, are you able to share these with your spouse?
• Do you feel as though you’re living life behind an invisible screen, unable to truly connect with anyone or anything? Do you feel unseen, even in your most intimate relationship?
• Is there at least one person you talk to at least once a week who really understands all or almost all of your feelings?
• Is there anything you feel you can’t or mustn’t tell anyone, even your partner?
• Do you feel comfortable crying in front of the people you love the most?
• Have you recently suffered some kind of serious emotional wound, such as the loss of a job or a loved one?
• Have you benefitted from therapy in the past and recently felt wistful about it, missing that kind of reliable support for your life or your relationship?
• Do you have unexpected negative emotional reactions to others’ behavior toward you, such as feeling shame when you are praised or anxiety when you are loved?
• Does your fear of others’ disapproval dominate your choices?
• Are you able to freely express love to your family, friends and significant other?
• Are you lonely even if—or especially when—you’re with a group of people or with your partner?
• Do you have to be under the influence of alcohol or drugs in order to be open about your thoughts or emotions?

If you answered yes to even one of these questions, individual or relationship therapy may benefit you. Look for a therapist with strong credentials—solid training and years of experience.

I’m happy to offer you a complimentary phone consultation to help you figure out what’s best for you.

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In 2013, I wrote a blog on my website. In it, I posed the question, “Is Technology splitting your relationship apart?” The article went on to explain how increasing online connections were giving us too much information, making our interactions impersonal and possibly even leading to more infidelity.

Today, that all seems true as I work with couples still struggling with hidden accounts, internet pornography and cybersex. I’m sorry to say that I don’t have the same level of fluster about it that I had six years ago.

I’m afraid that, as a Therapist, I’ve learned to accept the abuses of technology as a part of a couple’s life. I’ve gained new skills in treating internet affairs and porn addiction. Is this our new normal?

So today, in 2019, I’m thinking about a different way that technology is invading the relational space. This time it’s the News. We are literally bombarded from multiple sources day in and day out. The political climate of the past few years has created a constant flow of sensationalized stories.

Of course, there have always been weather reports. Snow storms, hurricanes, and earthquakes are not new. But now, we’re hit with Climate Change—disappearing ice, starving polar bears, ungodly heat waves, and dooms day predictions about how long the earth can stand this level of torment.

And there have always been politics and world events. This is not the first time that we’ve had Republicans disagreeing with Democrats. Some people wanting less government, some wanting more. We’ve disagreed about whether or not to send troops to war and whether or not to impeach sitting presidents.

But today, we’re hit with stories about fraud, corruption, abuses, inhumane treatment of others, dwindling of resources, increasing extinction of animals, collapsing economies, threat of nuclear war, and which countries are angry or have lost respect for us.

Back in the day, when the Dinosaurs roamed the earth, we read the morning paper or watched the nightly news to get filled in to all that was going on around us. Walter Cronkite used to tell it like it was…not much opinion or bias. We trusted him to give it to us straight and to let us make up our own minds. In between, we went to school and work, chatted to our friends and colleagues about daily life and had less anxiety.

Now I know that I might be exaggerating a bit, but the point is that we didn’t live the news 24/7. Because of technology, we have constant access to all of this news and everybody’s take on what it means. In order to make sense of anything, we need to listen to this side and that side and everything in between. Then, right before we go to bed, we listen to comedic talk show hosts who hash it up again.

The result is that we are seeing more and more people in therapy with increasing levels of anxiety and fear.

As a couples therapist, spouses complain that their partner is frequently upset or angry about what’s going on in the world. It leaks into their relationship and causes arguments. “She’s so mad about the world all the time!” or “He can’t stop posting about this story or the other!”

Sure, some people are still spending hours looking at Instagram photos or playing candy crushing games. But most are pulled by the news stories that pop up the moment we turn on our phones. Anxiety is often a healthy response to uncertainty and danger, but constant worry and nervousness may produce an anxiety disorder or disrupt the quality of your intimate relationship.

In the dinosaur days, I used to tell couples to set their alarms ten minutes early each morning and spend some time cuddling. It releases oxytocin, that famous bonding hormone and sets the day in the right direction. Or for single clients, I used to advise spending the first ten minutes of the day writing in a gratitude journal to get a positive attitude for the day to come. And now…

What do we do the minute we wake up? If you guessed “reach for the mobile phone” you’d be correct. In a recent survey, 46% of people browsed the phone before getting out of bed or having coffee!*
So instead, of cuddling, we lie back-to-back, each in an intimate embrace with a cold piece of technology full of bad news! Instead of the cuddle hormone, we’re starting the day with an unhealthy dose of stress hormones. I really miss my dinosaur days.

So why don’t we just turn it all off?

The answer to that is simple. It’s hard to do. There’s an addictive quality to the constant checking and re-checking of our phones, pads and computers for what’s new. And there’s no end to the constant stream of what’s new. Novelty creates dopamine and dopamine makes us want more and more.

It doesn’t mean, however, that we shouldn’t work at having some discipline.

Here are some things I recommend:

• Unless you’re a doctor on call, sleep with the phone in another room of the house.
• Set the alarm early and spend a few minutes stretching, breathing, journaling, reading a spiritual text or cuddling.
• Change the setting on your phone so that news doesn’t constantly stream on the home page. Check the news once per day.
• Take a technology break on the weekends.
• Leave the phone in the glove box of the car when going out to dine. Spend some time conversing while looking into the eyes of your companion.
• Opt into an online news digest. Get all your news at one short sitting. Choose one that isn’t overly biased and that bullet points stories with an option to link for more information.

I know that technology is here to stay. I also know the ultimate fate of those Dinosaurs. Don’t get me wrong. I love some aspects of technology. I’m happy to find a map to my granddaughter’s preschool, to quickly snap a great photo, to check the weather in another country and know that a volcano in Stromboli is erupting.

I do think, though, that we need some moderation before constant anxiety, depression and fear become our new normal. If it all feels like too much and you find yourself or your partner experiencing clinical anxiety, consider individual or couples therapy.

Here are the symptoms to watch for:

Symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder
Generalized anxiety disorder is excessive anxiety and worry that is difficult to control and causes serious distress or interferes with daily activities. These symptoms occur more days than not for at least six months, along with at least three of the following:

• restlessness or feeling on edge
• tiring easily
• difficulty concentrating
• irritability
• muscle tension
• sleep problems

Of course, if either you or your partner are experiencing this level of anxiety, it will impact your relationship. Check to see if you’re having more frequent bickering, shorter tempers, less eye to eye connection or touching. In that case, relationship therapy will help. Contact me today to start the conversation!

*Stats on people checking their smart phones is from a survey conducted by ReportLinker.

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Why are we fighting? is a question that couples ask me in therapy. Of course, they also want to learn how to stop fighting, but this question of why remains a pesky one.

The answer is complicated. At a basic neuroscientific level, we must understand how we tick. Our brains are wired for survival. Whenever the Limbic, or reactive brain, senses danger to that survival, it kicks in to protect us.

In that part of the brain, we are mammals. As such, we only have a few reactive patterns available to us.  Animals in nature will either fight, flee, freeze or submit. Think of the tiger, the deer, the opossum or the wolf. Each have a distinct way of reacting when threatened. So do we.

Some of us expand our energy when our relational space feels unsafe. We get louder, have more words and pursue the argument or fight. Maybe we’ll follow you out of the room, keep calling you back or refuse to sleep until our issue is resolved.

Others of us constrict our energy when upset. We shut down, get quiet and walk away. We’ll do anything to avoid a conflict. Perhaps we’ll even fall asleep to get away from our partners who are usually exhibiting expanded energy.

Here’s the rub. Typically, we are attracted to and fall in love with a partner who exhibits the opposite energy of ours. We practice these reactive patterns in childhood by learning to survive the dynamics in our families of origin.

For example, some of us learn to demand that our needs get met by protesting loudly. We may yell, scream and tantrum to get the love and attention we’re seeking.

Have you ever had the adult version of a child’s protest? Perhaps you or your partner have occasionally, or frequently, engaged in yelling, name-calling, slamming doors, pursuing, or even hitting. Harville Hendrix, PhD, labels this energy pattern: Hailstorm.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have what Hendrix calls the Turtle energy. Perhaps you, or your partner, are familiar with shutting down, refusing to talk, walking away, hiding or distancing? This is similar to a child who hid in the closet or under the bed to avoid conflict and intense emotion when young.

When these two patterns of survival begin to interact with one another, the result is a fight. Each party has pulled on their “survival suit” and the clanging in the middle can be deafening! So, when we fight with someone we love, it has nothing to do with the degree of care or commitment we have to our partners. Rather, it has everything to do with the degree of skill we have in containing our Limbic Reactivity.

In good Couples Therapy, we teach containment. To be Relationally Mature, a couple must have the proper skills to communicate in a way that does not trigger their Hailstorm or Turtle energy. Neuroscience has also taught us the power of eye gaze, touch and breath in keeping any two people connected and calm.

When used consciously, these tools can help couples to discuss the most difficult topics without turning it into a fight. I witness couples resolving their differences while maintaining full presence and commitment to understanding, validating and empathizing with each other. In other words, we can learn to stay in the Cortex.

The Cortex is the part of our brains that is not reactive, but rather is mature, smart and thoughtful. In full connection with our partners, we can resist the pull into our reactive natures and stay there. This allows us to be thoughtful, analytical, mature and to resolve our problems and issues…something that never happens while fighting.

If you find yourself fighting with someone you love, blame it on your brain! Also know that good therapy can help you to find a way out of that pattern of relating.

For more information, feel free to contact me. Good communication can be learned with the help of an experienced guide.

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There are many models of Couples Therapy today. One thing that they have in common is the advice to eliminate negativity in communication. This is a hard thing to do, but is vitally important.

Let’s take a look at why it’s essential to remove criticism and what to do instead.

​Does your lover do things that bother you? Maybe he comes home late without calling. Or perhaps she leaves the cabinet doors open. You might not like the way he talks to the kids or how she spends hours on social media. Maybe you’re annoyed about money, or sex or your mother-in-laws interference.

​​If you’re like most of us, these behaviors may leave you feeling annoyed, angry, frustrated, hurt, or disappointed. How in the world can you express this without starting a fight and making things worse between you? We’ve all found ourselves embroiled in a heated argument over something that started out as rather small. Things just seem to escalate quickly as soon as we start with negativity.

​In his research, Dr. John Gottman, found that there are four forms of communication that spell disaster for your relationship. One of these is criticism. When we attack our partner, we invite defensiveness. Along with stonewalling and contempt, defensiveness is another indicator of relationship distress. Criticism and defensiveness lead to reactivity: shutting down or blowing up. Now we’re fighting about the fight and the original issue remains unresolved.

​In Imago Relationship Theory, Dr. Harville Hendrix says that couples must enter the Zone of Zero Negativity. This means that they must communicate negative feelings in a responsible way. Instead of criticizing and attacking, there is a formula for expressing complaints in a way that doesn’t destroy the basic emotional connection.

​He tells us that it’s important to pay attention to timing. Rather than launching in when our partner isn’t ready, it works better to say, “There’s something I’d like to tell you. Is now a good time for you?”. It rarely goes well if your partner is hungry, busy, in a hurry or distracted. If now is not a good time, it helps to set up an appointment for a better time when you’ll have his full attention.

​Let’s take the example of the guy who comes home late without calling. Instead of “Why didn’t you call? You never call. You’re so inconsiderate”, try this: “When you are late and don’t call to let me know, I worry and feel disrespected. Would you be willing to call me in the future?”. In this example, I’m taking responsibility for my feelings and inviting my partner to understand me better. No need for him to get defensive at all.

​Also, by asking directly for what I want in a vulnerable way, I’m helping him to have empathy and compassion for my distress. I’m also far more likely to get what I need from him. Of all the wonderful qualities your partner may possess, I’ll bet that mind-reading isn’t one of them! As obvious as it may seem, he probably hasn’t truly considered his impact on your feelings before.

​I like to say that both members of a relationship are 100% responsible for the quality of their relationship. That means that each of us must pay attention to speaking in loving, kind ways. It does not mean that we can never experience negative emotions. It’s more about the commitment to keep each other emotionally safe so that we can feel connected and work through difficulties as a team. Take a look at this short video to see what I mean:

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​Did you know that conflict in relationship is growth trying to happen? Each time we successfully negotiate a disagreement or negative feelings with our partner we are deepening our emotional connection and nurturing our loving feelings for one another. Couples who invest in learning and practicing effective communication tools, become (in the words of Dr. Gottman) the Masters and not the Disasters of Marriage!

Become Masters of your Marriage by attending one of my upcoming Couples Workshops, Private Intensives, or Retreats.

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You’ve been invited to a wedding. You bought a new suit or dress and perhaps some new shoes. You shopped for a lovely gift and spent 15 minutes in front of the cards, carefully selecting the perfect one. But wait, shouldn’t you write something a little personal inside? For when merely signing your name feels all wrong, here are six best pieces of marriage advice to write in the card.

1) Congratulations on your Marriage

When I was a young woman, my mother warned me to never congratulate a bride for getting married. She told me that it would make her sound like an old maid who just got lucky. I seem to remember, however, that it was okay to congratulate the groom who presumably did just land a catch! Perhaps, if you must congratulate them, say something like this, “Congratulations! It’s not easy to find the love of your life, but you did. Now that you’ve found each other, remember to nourish your relationship always.”

2) Best Wishes

This is a good saying, but a little lazy. Best Wishes for what? How about, “Best wishes for a life filled with love, good health, happiness, and abundance in all things. To create this life together, dream your wildest dreams, your highest aspirations, and speak them often. Be specific about your shared vision and remember to visit it often!”

3) Make Sacred the Space Between You

“Between the two of you there is a space. It is there that your relationship lives. You are both completely responsible for sanctifying that space. Remember to fill it with careful listening, deep compassion, respect, kind gestures, and affection. Your future children will live in the space you create–make it sacred!”

4) Learn to say Hello and Goodbye

“All of life is coming together and going apart. Remember to greet one another with eye gaze, kind words, hugs and kisses when you wake up in the morning, when you leave for the day, when you come home at night and before you go to sleep. Small moments of connection mean the world to the health of your marriage!”

5) Live by the Platinum Rule

You’ve heard of the Golden Rule, right? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That’s a nice sentiment, but in marriage it’s far better to live by the Platinum Rule. You could write, “Always remember the Platinum Rule: do unto one another as your spouse would have you do! Learn each others Love Languages and offer your love in the way that nourishes each of you best.”

6) Turn Toward One Another

There are so many ways that we make bids for connection in marriage. Let the newlyweds know what to do when their partner is seeking love or attention. “Always turn toward one another with love and attention. Never turn away, causing each other to feel neglected or ignored. Never ever turn against one another in anger, frustration or contempt. Learn to communicate well in order to stay deeply connected.”

Writing some version of these pieces of marriage advice is sure to get your card saved for years to come. I hope that you enjoy the wedding and that your new shoes don’t hurt your feet!

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Most couples think of separating when they no longer know what to do with their misery. They know they’re not happy. Perhaps the love and connection between them feels dead. Maybe they can’t stop the fighting. A separation might feel like the only way to save themselves.

But wait, isn’t separation just the first step towards divorce? For many people it is. The pain is too great and the couple is desperate to feel better. They absolutely need to get away from the daily repetition of dysfunctional dynamic. In her work, Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, refers to the Demon Dances that couples do. These are the dialogues that couples have over and over that lead to nowhere but more pain and disillusionment. When a couple gets locked in their own version of Demon Dancing, they may look to separate as a means to stop the noise.

As a Couple Therapist, I’ve found that separating doesn’t need to be the first step to divorce. Couples who structure their separations can quiet the demons while making the space for learning new tools and ways of interacting. You will most likely need the guidance of a Relationship Counselor or Coach to help you to mediate the various factors which need considering:

​What are our goals for the separation?

​Are we both fully committed to the idea that this separation is to call “time-out” on the difficulties we’re experiencing– not “time-out” on the marriage? There should be an agreement that neither of you run off and file for divorce without a full discussion before the end of the agreed upon separation. That goes for threatening divorce, as well. The separation is a pause in the action and should be treated with respect. The shared goal is to work back towards a happy marriage.

​What are the practical implications?

​It will take some negotiation to figure out who will stay in the home and who will move out. If there are children, you’ll need to talk to them and make a plan for custody and/or visitation for during the separation. Who will take which car? Who will use which credit cards? How will you fund two households? You will also have to agree to stay faithful and not date others during the separation.

​What will we tell friends and family?

It’s important to develop a script for how to handle the questions of your loved ones. Tell them what they need to know but no more. Often, couples make the mistake of over sharing information and inadvertently creating animosity for their relationship. This makes it tough when the two of you have healed and your family still hates your spouse! I recommend something along the lines of, “We’re separating to rebuild. We’re still fully committed to our marriage and will be working hard with a therapist. We hope to have a stronger, happier relationship soon.”

​How much will we interact?

​At the very least, couples will need to see each other in regular therapy appointments. At first, this might be the safest way to see one another. You might also agree to weekly dates or time together with your children. You’ll want to decide how often you want to check in on phone, email or text. I recommend that you make a plan that honors both of your needs for separation and connection. It’s likely that you are probably used to some chaos in the relationship, but now is a good time to slow down and breathe.  If you’re the one that typically pursues your partner, this is a good time for you to pursue other interests and participate in self care.

​How will we know when it’s time to move back in together?

​This, of course, is a very important question. Each of you should be able to state what you are looking for to feel emotionally safe enough to live together again. You should be able to see clear progress in your marital therapy, including an ability to communicate about important topics. You’ll want to feel that you’ve resolved and forgiven those hurts which led up to the separation. You will also want a clear plan about how to handle relationship “hot buttons” before they escalate to deal breaking problems.

​I have worked, and continue to work, with many couples who have taken a break from their marital woes by separating. Those who have consciously structured the boundaries of their time apart, have emerged with healthier, stronger relationships. It may not be right for everyone, but handled well, a separation could just save your marriage.

​Call me today if you want help figuring out the best path for your intimate relationship.

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You finally convince your husband or wife to go to therapy. He’s resistant but the arguing is more frequent, the sex practically non-existent and the kids are starting to notice that Mommy and Daddy are tense and no fun. You go on-line, ask your friends, or maybe call your clergy looking for a recommendation. There are so many therapists to choose from! At last, you pick someone, drag yourself and your partner to the office and get started. After a few uncomfortable sessions, you look at each other and ask, “Is this helping?”

Does this scenario sound familiar? Couples therapy has a lot of moving parts and sometimes it’s hard to know how it’s going. It’s important to give yourselves four to six sessions before judging it a success or failure. Here are some ways that you’ll know that you’re moving in the right direction:

​1) You’re arguing less.

​Arguing brings a lot of couples to therapy. Living with someone can stir up differences and most people don’t have enough tools to handle conflict well.​ Good relationship therapy will teach you research-based skills to get you through the tough times. As a Certified Imago Therapist, I teach couples a process of responsible sharing, deep listening and problem solving. It’s as though your intimate relationship comes with a shelf. Whenever you get into a conflict that you don’t know how to resolve, you panick and stick that issue up on your relationship shelf. By the time you get to therapy, that shelf might be really sagging in the middle! Your therapist can help you to take those issues down and talk about them in a safe, structured way.

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​2) You’re having more fun.

​Clearing the air and resolving issues in therapy will help you to put your energy into enjoying one another again.  Many couples tell me that they’re happy to spend time together for the first time in years. It only makes sense that holding on to disappointment and resentment takes energy. Freeing that energy allows you to feel more connected. Connection leads to spontaneity, joy, and laughter. ​

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3)  You’re engaging physically.

When we first get together there are hormones and chemicals at work in our brains. ​​​Increased levels of dopamine, vasopressin and testosterone make us attracted to each other, affectionate and lust-filled. Over time these hormones and chemicals wear off and our relationship gets routine. Add unresolved conflict, resentment, sadness and anger to that situation, and many couples stop touching. Good couples therapy will address your sexuality and help get you back on track. As you clear the air and start to enjoy being together, you might find yourselves holding hands, kissing and making love more.

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​4)  You’re focusing on the Present and Letting Go of the Past.

​Sometimes when couples start to argue, they start with one specific thing and throw in the kitchen sink! When issues are not truly resolved, they tend to come up again and again. Back to that sagging relationship shelf…issues just fall off and hit you in the head when you least expect it. After some good couples therapy, you should notice that you are able to stick with the issue at hand. It’s important to let go of the past, because objects appear larger in the rear view mirror! If there’s a significant hurt, say a breach of trust, you’ll need to explore and understand that in therapy.  If done well, it’ll be healed and will stay in the past.

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​5)  You’ll find yourselves acting more loving.

​The basis of most therapies is talk. Learning to communicate well is very important but so is behavior. One thing I do with couples in my office is to have them explore their individual languages of love. Once you know what your partner is looking for, you can engage in the loving, caring behaviors that really rock their world. If you find yourself going out of your way to do that something special for your mate, the therapy might be helping. When you behave positively, your partner will most likely reciprocate, forming a positive spiral of loving behaviors.

​6)  Reverting to old patterns is intolerable.

​Once you’ve begun to experience the positive effects of therapy, it feels intolerable to go back to the old patterns. Couples who used to tolerate days of fighting and disconnection, later report feeling terrible after a small spat. That’s because you now know what’s possible. Living in safe, positive, intimate connection is what you’ve longed for. Giving it up, for even a moment, is not okay. The good news is that this realization can help you to get right back to your new learned habits and set the ship straight again.

​7)  You’re using your new tools at home.

​I can’t stress enough how important it is to practice what you’re learning in the therapist’s office between sessions. Like any new tool, you can’t really expect to get good without repetition. Imagine going to a class to learn a foreign language and only speaking in that language for that one hour a week! I ask couples to pull up two chairs, look into each other’s eyes, hold hands and take turns listening to one another at home during the periods when I’m not with them. Good communication is a tool that will only be available in a crisis if it’s at the top of the tool bag. Pope Francis sums it up nicely when he says that communication is something to practice in moments of peace for moments of challenge.

8)  You’re more focused on what you’re up to in the relationship.

​When couples first come to therapy, I find that they are pretty focused on what their partner is doing wrong. Over time, you should notice a shift toward greater awareness of your own behavior in the relationship. Good couples therapy helps you to identify what you are contributing to your relationship dynamic and to take 100% responsibility. I always say that 50%/50% is a formula used in divorce, while 100%/100% works much better in marriage! What I mean by that is that each of you must take full responsibility for the way you speak, listen, behave and relate. When that happens you change the only thing you really can–yourself!

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​If at the end of a month or two, you find that you are not significantly progressing in these areas, you might want to have a talk with your therapist. She may have insight as to what’s in the way. Some couples reach a plateau in week-to-week therapy and really benefit from a deeper format, like a Couples Workshop or one of my Weekend Retreats. However you proceed, congratulations on your decision to seek help with your relationship. I wish you much success!

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