As a Relationship Therapist, I am seeing my client couples online during Sheltering in Place due to COVID-19. I am finding that we are all experiencing increased stress, leading to feelings of being overwhelmed, irritable, depressed and angry.

We are living with a level of unpredictability that we feel no real power to do anything about. The world outside is unpredictable and we don’t know what to believe or who to trust. There is so much information and disinformation that we’re left anxious about our health, our finances, our jobs…our lives.

In childhood, we are traumatized whenever our parents are unpredictable or volatile and we don’t know what to expect. We cannot trust them. Because we’re young, we have no control or power over our situation. These experiences get recorded as trauma in our brains and bodies. We learn helplessness and react by either protesting or shutting down. In simple terms, we carry that reactivity into our lives for decades. We’re always looking for safety and are hyper-vigilant to danger.

I’m beginning to realize that COVID-19 can trigger some of those survival patterns learned in childhood. It is for this reason, that some people are overwhelmed by anxiety, unable to sleep, restless and finding it hard to stay home. Others are sinking into depression, shutting down, becoming lethargic. They struggle to get off the sofa or get out for a walk.

COVID19 has created similar trauma, in some cases bringing us right back to the feelings we experienced as children. It’s made our lives unpredictable. We cannot trust its course or outcome and we feel helpless over so many facets of our lives in the face of it. What can we do?

STEPS TO COPING WITH FEELINGS OF HELPLESSNESS
Fortunately, we are no longer as helpless as when we were children. It’s important to allow our Adult Brain the opportunity to choose a response, rather than the familiar reaction learned in childhood. We can choose to follow some guidelines to help us to manage the fear, anxiety and depression we feel.

Organize Your Day:  I find that it is important to organize my day into what I can do to avoid going into what’s called “timeless helplessness”. I invite you to find a rhythm and to establish a daily routine. Know when you’ll wake up, have breakfast, talk to friends, do some work, walk the dog, cook dinner, etc. Don’t let your days just pass by or you’ll experience more malaise and lethargy!

Get Moving: Another important tool to fight the feelings of helplessness, is mobility. Physical movement is key. Go for a walk, lift some weights or practice some movement. Our bodies are the one thing we have control over right now. Exercise increases endorphins and dopamine to help us feel better.

Get Support Online: There are many other tools, available online, for dealing with strong emotion. For example, there are apps for practicing mindfulness, meditating, praying, and breathing. We also have access to many helpful professionals guiding us to eat better and to stay healthy by improving our immune systems. I’ve found online workouts and yoga classes to stay active.

Connect with your Partner:  Relationally, it’s important to also schedule in some time to connect with your partner.
Make a ritual for a time to talk, share a meal or cuddle up.
It’s easy to feel lonely while our daily lives are disrupted. Try to  use this time to increase your friendship and intimacy with one another.  Maintaining your sexual interactions releases feel-good hormones and releases stress.
Many couples will come together over this crisis. But many others are struggling right now. They are feeling disconnected and are fighting more. External stressors are causing a lack of patience with one another. Uncertainty is met with a need to control which sometimes ends up being a need for our partner to be different.
People who don’t get along are trapped together all day. Police Statistics and Domestic Abuse Hotlines are showing a rise in reports around the world, as much as 30%. Divorce rates have also risen in Asia and it’s predicted that the Western World will follow once the crisis is over.

Be Aware of Situational Tension: If you and your partner are experiencing increased tension in your relationship, you may be locked in a Power Struggle. Perhaps you are trying to communicate, but your words to one another are filled with judgement, blame, and criticism. This, inevitably, will lead to misery for you. Yesterday, I asked a particularly angry couple if it was their goal to walk out of lockdown together at the end of this time? Some of us are behaving in ways where that will not be possible if we’re not careful. Experience shows that your struggles won’t resolve themselves and may get worse if you don’t address them head on.

Call a Truce: No criticizing, no ignoring each other, no name-calling, no defensiveness. Now is not the time to be pointing out your partner’s character defects.
(How to Remove Criticism to Improve Your Most Important Relationship )

Here are some ways to help change the focus

  • Pull up two chairs, face one another and connect with your eyes. Take turns expressing appreciation for one another during this time of crisis.
  • Move on to telling one another about the underlying fears that you’re experiencing. Beneath a lot of anger and frustration, is fear. Allow yourselves to be vulnerable and to safely express what you’re feeling.
  • Describe to one another what resources you’re finding helpful (breathing, walking, reading, praying, baths, cooking, chatting with friends, etc).
  • Get clear about each of your needs for both space and connection.
  • Work together to create rituals to support one another.
  • Share and celebrate the moments where you’ve seen goodness, hope, beauty and inspiration in the world during this crisis.
  • Reach out for online counseling if you are stuck or unable to have a safe connection on your own.

Give yourselves a Break: We have never dealt with something like this before in a collective way. Each day brings its joys and disappointments.

Work with some of these ideas so that you can not only survive, but thrive in this unusual time.

Please let me know if I can help get you through this challenging time. Wishing you all safety, good health, calm minds and open hearts.