Are you one another’s best friend? When did you become each other’s best friend?

These are questions on a list of questions to open discussion prepared by the Facilitator of a Speakers Panel on Premarital Therapy that I’ve been asked to sit on.

Presumably, the Panel is made up of three engaged couples and me, the Relationship Expert. As I read through the numerous other questions, I found myself nodding in agreement; questions about trust, financial agreements, how to get along with in-laws. Yes, these are good things to talk about before entering into marriage.

But, “Are you one another’s best friend?”  Something about this concept gives me pause. I’m not convinced that it’s all that necessary, or possible, for a spouse to also be a best friend. Sure, there are elements of friendship common in a healthy marriage. I decided to examine my skepticism a bit further.

First, I looked up the definition of the word friend.
A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
Well, that’s interesting. Yes, my husband and I do share a bond of mutual affection but I certainly don’t wish my marriage to be exclusive of sexual relations. And, it feels like over time, we do indeed become family as we adopt pets, have children and mingle our families of origin.

So then, I looked up the word spouse.
A husband or wife, considered in relation to their partner.

Okay, so what’s a husband or a wife?
A married couple

Can you see how this is becoming frustrating? Perhaps the confusion lies in the vague way in which we define what it means to be a married couple.
What is marriage?
The legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship.

That seems true, but doesn’t quite capture everything we expect of our marital relationships. Of course, marriage is a personal relationship, but so is friendship, and motherhood, and sometimes our relationship with our hairdresser. No wonder we’re confused.

In our culture, we are constantly trying to define our still changing relationships. We have grown to expect marriage to fulfill many of our needs. Esther Perel, a leading therapist, author and speaker says that we want, with the same person, to experience security, adventure, stability, change, dependability and surprise. We want this same person to be our best friend, and our trusted confidante and our passionate lover.

We really have this idea that one person today will give us what an entire village used to provide. In other words, we have unprecedented and unrealistic expectations for our romantic relationships. Perel says, our marriages have become the new religion.

Until around 1850, we lived in the age of “institutional marriage”. The union was based on the need to help each other with food production, shelter and protection. As we shifted from rural to urban life, American marriages focused more on intimate needs like loving, being loved and an active sexual life. This was called the age of “companionate marriage”.

Today, we seem to be focused on “self-expressive marriage”. These higher level needs, when satisfied, can yield greater happiness, but also require more time, energy and work to get there. Unfortunately, average Americans are stressed, over-worked, and financially challenged. We seem to be investing less in our intimate relationships at a time where we expect more. Our divorce rates reflect this.

Perhaps this is why the question “Are you one another’s best friend?” bothers me. I’m not so sure that it’s a good idea to expect that. If we could lower our expectations of the role of this one person in our lives, we might find ourselves more satisfied with who they truly are. We might actually find our marriage more fulfilling.

Furthermore, when I think about what a “best friend” is to me, I can’t help but notice how different my husband’s definition is.

To me, a woman, my best friend is someone who listens to me talk, sometimes ad nauseam about my thoughts and feelings. She never grows bored and never tries to fix my problems. She likes to go for mani-pedis and thinks sitting at Starbucks chatting for two hours is time well spent.

My husband’s best friend is more likely to engage in his favorite activities with him—watching a game on TV or playing a sport. They can spend hours together while discussing absolutely nothing. If he were to get a promotion in another city, his friend would be happy, encouraging, and supportive. While I, on the other hand, would most probably have 100 questions about how that decision would impact me and our lives together.

So, the conclusion I’ve arrived at is this: by all means befriend your spouse. Enter into a bond of mutual affection, sexual activity and friendly behavior. Offer encouragement and support wherever possible. Just don’t stress if you secretly don’t consider each other “best friends”.

Now would be a good time to sit down with your partner to talk about your friendship. What do you each expect? How are you satisfying each other and where might you be disappointed? Remember, the goal is not to be everything to one another. Keep your expectations in check and celebrate the beauty of your connection.