You’ve found the love of your life. You’ve fallen in love. You’ve dated, become engaged and gotten married. You’ve longed to make your duo into a trio and after some waiting you now have a baby!
What could possibly go wrong?
We know that even the strongest relationships are challenged during the transition to parenthood. Couples find themselves without time to talk or touch, sleep-deprived, irritable and prone to snapping. There is suddenly an exponential increase in tasks to complete and often couples stress about financial concerns. Grandparents rush in to help but sometimes their help feels like interference.
Add to all of that, post-partum depression, health problems and concerns for the well-being of the baby. What if you just don’t know what you’re doing? Many perfectly competent adults face feelings of extreme confusion and overwhelm with a new baby. This is the stuff of sit-coms. And yet…
All of these factors add up and translate to a decline in marital satisfaction. According to Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher on marriage, as many as 67% of new parents experience conflict, disappointment and hurt feelings during this stage of marriage. The Gottmans teach a workshop for new parents called Bringing Baby Home. In it they prepare couples for life with baby.
Gottman’s research also shows that the single highest predictor of marital adjustment after baby arrives is the quality of friendship in the marriage. It is vitally important to prioritize your relationship and remember that it is the foundation of your family. If it crumbles and falls, the kids go down with it. Babies require a lot of time and attention, it’s true, but your relationship will need some as well to survive.
Here are some tips for new parents:
Make Sleep a Priority
Absolutely everything seems harder when we aren’t getting enough sleep. We are crankier, fight more and exaggerate our feelings when tired. Try to nap as much as possible during the day even if you’ve never been a napper. Resist the urge to stay up at night after the baby falls asleep. Those dishes and mail will wait until tomorrow. If you possibly can, work in shifts, taking turns with the baby. Hire a night nurse if your baby has health needs or needs constant care. Even consider sleeping in separate rooms for a brief time if it helps you to get a better quality of sleep during the early months.
Remember to Connect During the Four Critical Moments of the Day
Quite simply this means greeting one another with a 20 second hug or a six second kiss when you first wake up in the morning, when you part during the day, when you reunite after being apart and before falling asleep. Just knowing the other is still there goes a long way in keeping you connected. This is a time of diminished sexual activity, so keeping the affection alive is important.
Express your Gratitude
You might be surprised how important gratitude is to the maintenance of your friendship with your spouse. Both of you are under varying degrees of stress with a new baby, but look what you’ve done! You’ve brought a new life into the world and each of you have played a part. It’s easy to grow resentful if you start comparing your contribution to his. Remember that each of you is struggling with your new role in different ways. Appreciate effort and express it lovingly. I like this three part appreciation: a) I appreciate that…b) I appreciate it because…c) It makes me feel….
Listen to One Another
My mentor always says that we survive in isolation and thrive in connection. Don’t keep all of your feelings bottled up. Remember that the two of you are in this together. You both could use a sounding board for what’s going on during this important transition from family of two to family of three. No need to try to fix the other’s woes. Just listen and empathize.
While this period of your relationship seems impossible at times, try to focus on the joy that it is. Just think how much easier it’ll be when you go from three to four! Seriously, it does get easier as you get more comfortable with your roles and the baby starts to sleep. You’ll get into a rhythm and hopefully get back to your intimate connection. Just remember to stay friends along the way.
If you are experiencing serious cracks in your relationship, get help. There are many books, workshops and therapists who can guide you through this transition.
You can contact me here or by phone (310) 828-2624
If you’re thinking about attending one of my, or any other Marriage Retreat, you might be wondering how to tell if it’s a good one. What actually makes a good Marriage Retreat? What should you look for or which questions should you be asking?
First and foremost, you’ll want to choose a competent, experienced Retreat leader.
Look for a therapist who has advanced training in working exclusively with couples. Most Marriage and Family Therapists will see a couple, but that doesn’t mean that they are actually trained to do so. Look for certifications beyond the degree and license of the professional.
Remember to ask about the Facilitator’s years of experience. While beginners have enthusiasm, it takes years of experience to become a therapist who can expertly handle a crowd and hold a safe space for multiple couples simultaneously.
Ask yourself what you’re hoping to achieve at a Couples Retreat.
Is your relationship in crisis? Are you extremely private? If so, working with other couples may not be for you. In this case, you might consider working with a Couples Therapist one-on-one until you have worked through the crisis and are ready to incorporate some basic skills to improve communication and rebuild trust.
If, however, you’ve noticed that you’re simply arguing more than before or have lost that loving feeling, you should consider a Retreat. In a good Couples Retreat, you will have the opportunity to deepen your connection and grow your relationship while relaxing and having fun.
A good Couples Therapist will manage the Retreat so that you have a combination of individualized attention and learning from the group. Look to her to create a safe and intimate setting where everyone has the chance to do their own work and to witness the work of other couples. There should be a lot of support and guidance, usually in the form of trained assistants.
At a good marriage retreat, you can expect to:
Learn effective communication skills that will take you deeper into your love and commitment as a couple
Resolve conflict that has been getting in your way with one another
Remember why you got together in the first place
Get positive energy and support from the other couples in the group
Receive expert coaching by the Retreat Leader
Relax and have fun together in a beautiful and calm setting away from home
Couples who have participated in a Marriage / Couples Retreat often say that the experience transformed their relationship. If you choose a well-trained and experienced Therapist, you can expect to learn about yourselves and each other, pick up new communication tools, practice new relationship skills, meet some new people and feel completely pampered in a beautiful setting. What’s not to love?
Click HERE for information about my next Couples Retreat.
I occasionally get calls from one partner in a marriage wanting to know if it would help for them to come in to Couples Therapy without their partners. There are many reasons why one person is unwilling or unable to start therapy. Perhaps the missing spouse is not interested or is wary, has had a bad experience with therapy in the past, doesn’t believe that there’s a need, doesn’t want to spend the money or can’t get away from work. Sometimes the caller is the wife and more and more the caller is the husband. I used to think that effective Couples Therapy always requiredboth people in the room, but today I say, “Sure, come on in!”
Why the change of heart? Frankly, I have seen marriages saved by the efforts of one person. As long as either one of you is willing to change your way of relating, the dynamic in the marriage can reverse from negative to positive.
Let’s say that you and your partner find yourselves in a vicious power struggle–arguing all the time, failing to behave kindly, growing resentful and withholding sexual interaction. It would be tempting to go into therapy to gain an ally; someone who would side with you and agree that your partner is being an awful pain in the you-know-what!
If you sought out Individual Therapy, it would be the therapist’s job to help you to explore your family history and discover your internal psychological patterns. The therapist would hope that your life would improve as you gained powerful insights into your thoughts and feelings. She might even agree with you that your current spouse is thwarting your psychological growth and you’d be better off without him.
Couples Therapy carries a different theoretical orientation. The belief is not so much in insight creating change, but rather in the individual examining and changing patterns of relating with their partners. The relationship, rather than the individual, is the client. In this kind of therapy, the therapist should guide the client to view his or her approach in interactions with the other spouse. What are you saying and doing? How are you saying or doing it? How can you improve that in order to get your needs met?
Let’s take the example of a husband who recently contacted me. Ted told me that he loved his wife and was afraid that she was going to leave him. He admitted that he had been behaving badly for the past few years–working too late, going out for drinks, never including her in his plans, not approaching her sexually. He wanted help but let me know that his wife, Lynn, was too angry and hopeless to join him in Couples Therapy.
So, I assured him that I could help him turn their dynamic around and he came to Couples Therapy by himself. At first, we explored what he was trying to communicate with his wife. He said he loved her, but had definitely not been communicating that! He had been hurt and felt emotionally abandoned when she turned her attention toward mothering. He had pulled away in order to protect himself from these feelings.
I asked him what it would be like to talk to her about his hurt. He assured me that she wouldn’t listen. Again and again, I helped him to practice that talk until he found the courage to have it with Lynn. He came in one week pleasantly surprised that she had been receptive and even a bit empathetic.
Next, I got to work coaching him to behave more lovingly. Little by little, he started including her, giving her hugs, coming home earlier and doing loving things for her. I worked with him to keep him consistent with these reverse behaviors in order to build Lynn’s trust in him. He told me that it seemed harder for her to believe him than it was for him to make the necessary changes!
It took some time but eventually Ted reported that they were enjoying the marriage again. As he put positive energy into their relationship, she relaxed and started doing nice things for him, as well. The energy that we use protecting ourselves gets freed into the spirit of connection and passion.
So, if you have a partner who doesn’t want to work on your relationship, seek the help of a trained Marriage Therapist and go alone. One person can change an entire system!
Love is a very mysterious thing. It has been the focus of countless songs, novels, poetry, works of art, plays, TV shows and movies. We think that all we have to do is make a list of what we’re looking for and set out to find the person that ticks all the boxes on the list. If we’re lucky enough to find that person, we are often surprised to find that “there’s just no chemistry”! Apparently, there’s something else at play that determines who we reject and who we choose to keep.
Thanks to recent advances in neurobiology and technology, we know a lot more these days about our “brains in love”. For the first time in history, science is throwing its hat in the ring to help us figure out our love patterns. Perhaps the most important thing we have learned is that our past is in our present.
What does that mean – our past is in our present?
In terms of dating, it means that even when we think we’re dealing with the present moment of what’s going on here and now, our stored memories of everything that came before are present and activated. Even when deciding whether we’re attracted to someone, there are unconscious forces at work. Our brains are busy sifting through stored memories to determine if this other person has enough similarity to our “love template” to make the cut.
This template, sometimes called our Imago (a term used by Harville Hendrix, PhD. in his book Getting the Love You Want) is our unique mental map of what love is supposed to look like.
The shocking news for some, is that this map holds the memories of all that was good and safe in our early lives as well as all that was hurtful and wounding. We are actually drawn to fall in love with someone who embodies both these positive AND negative traits of our early childhoods.
Why would we ever be attracted to, let alone fall in love with, someone who yelled like our moms or drank like our dads? We’d have to be nuts. Nuts or on drugs. Well, science has shown that we ARE actually on drugs in the early stages of love. Nature supplies us with a big dose of chemicals in the brain which allow us to exaggerate the other’s positive qualities and blind us to their negative ones. Through the work of the brain’s “chemical cocktail”—increased levels of testosterone, oxytocin, and dopamine—we experience increased sexual desire, bonding, and delight in each other’s presence. In other words, we fall in love.
As long as those chemicals are on board in our brains, we notice how our love object demonstrates the positive traits of our early childhood caretakers. Being with them makes us feel “at home”. This love is familiar and comforting. Unfortunately, these hormones and chemicals aren’t designed to last. As they begin to wear off (science shows us that the effects of these hormones last no more than a few years), we start to notice that our partners also demonstrate the negative characteristics of our early childhood caretakers. It’s at this point that you might find yourself committed to someone who yells like your mom or drinks like your dad!
It’s Complicated
Okay, so falling in love is complicated, chemical, and happens unconsciously. What’s a couple to do to ensure a happy relationship? Good question. The answer lies in a couple’s commitment to consciousness. By this I mean that couples must be aware that good relationships don’t just happen. In the marriages that last, both individuals are aware that the other is in their life to help them to heal the past and move forward together as mature adults. Without an exploration and understanding of the early Imago attraction, many couples get stuck in the power struggle which can ensue after the chemicals wear off and differences become more obvious.
Many simply give up and live their marriage as if it’s a life sentence of boredom, conflict and lack of connection. Others, about 50%, get separated or divorced. The problem with divorcing to solve the problem is that, often, couples unconsciously carry their Imago to the next lover and start the same dynamic pattern with a brand new face.
When we show up with an open heart, curiosity and lack of judgment to the story of our partner’s life, we experience profound healing and intimacy. This is the antidote to the disconnection that proceeds divorce.
Relationship is an adventure—not a problem to be fixed.
Sometimes it helps to have a guide along the way. In my work with couples, I find that most people are protesting the lack of connection and clamoring to get back to the feelings they had early on in the relationship.
Most are trying to criticize, whine, cry or stonewall their partners into loving them the way they used to. Of course, this doesn’t work!
I emphasize that passion and relaxed joyfulness are by-products of deep connection and that deep connection can only occur when both parties feel consistently safe—both physically and emotionally. Safety comes from deep listening, full presence, lack of judgement and sustained curiosity about the world of the other.
John Gottman, PhD, a leading researcher in the field of marriage tells us that couples who stay together are the ones who have a deep knowledge about the “interior landscape” of one another.
When the task of loving is made conscious, couples rise to a level of relational maturity only hinted at in the beginning of falling in love. By making our pasts clear to ourselves and our partners, we are able to heal the “then” in the “now”. This is an exciting adventure and leads to long, lasting and deep love.
If you get stuck and feel that you could use a guide, a trained Relationship Therapist can help. In particular, a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist can help you get to the heart of the matter to quickly resolve the impasse.
Watch this short video for further understanding of how we choose who to love.
“Words left unsaid always sound loudest in the end.” –Murakami
Let’s take a look at today’s marriages, affairs, and why marriage counseling after an affair is critical.
In the last century, our expectations for the institution of marriage have changed dramatically. What once was an economic enterprise, an exchange of property made between families, is now something else entirely. Certainly we are moving away from old-fashioned domesticity and oppression of women. We now have more freedom, more choices and more expectation of happiness than ever before.
Couples tell me that they need their partners to talk about and share their deepest inner workings. They expect their spouse to help them to feel less alone with their fears, feelings, fantasies and needs. The new model for marriage is that we are best friends, lovers, co-parents, intellectual and emotional equals. In other words, we need our partners to be our everything!
Along with this added pressure on marriage, has also come the freedom to leave if you think there might be something better out there. We now have constant media access to images of other people’s lives, making it harder to feel satisfaction for the one you have. Yet, we continue to crave the committed relationship as the place to rear children. Children validate us and give our life meaning, even if the marriage, itself, does not.
So, on the one hand, marriage may not be fulfilling all the needs and desires we had hoped for. Yet, we’re committed to it for the sake of the children. Enter, the affair.
For some, staying in the marriage but going outside it for certain need fulfillment is a natural choice. Over and over I hear from clients that they were “unfulfilled or unhappy” with their partners and were entitled to take care of themselves. For their partners, the discovery of an affair might come as a complete shock, especially if they were unaware that their partner was unhappy.
This usually boils down to a fundamental lack of knowing one another because of faulty or non-existent communication. Although the party who has the affair is 100% responsible for stepping out of the marriage and betraying their partner, both must look at the state of the marriage before it occurred. This takes two people taking some responsibility for the marriage dynamic prior to the affair. A good Couples Therapist can guide you through this in a safe and gentle way.
Counseling after an affair is critical. Without it, people frequently stay stuck in a perpetrator/victim mentality where one is to blame and the other must stay angry and hurt. Counseling helps people to move through the pain and anger so that they can build a new and improved marriage.
Here are the top 3 Reasons why marriage counseling after an affair is critical:
1) You must come to understand how it happened.
Without the help of a skilled Couples Therapist, you are likely to get stuck pointing fingers at one another in an escalating pattern of blaming and shaming. This is not only unproductive, but actually creates a serious spiral downwards making it harder to ever recover. Both of you must feel heard, validated and have your feelings acknowledged for the affair to make sense in any way.
2) You must learn to communicate rather than act out your dissatisfaction.
At best, affairs are bad behavior. They indicate a willingness to put your own needs over your partner’s or the good of the relationship. They pollute the space between you with dishonesty and deception. They are frequently acts of desperation for people who cannot express what they want in the marriage or who feel that their pleas are falling on deaf ears. A skilled Couples Therapist will facilitate deeper communication.
3) You must learn to work together to re-build trust and a better relationship.
One person cannot do this alone. Both must re-commit to staying together and being better versions of themselves. Rather than being at odds over who was right and who was wrong, the couple who survives an affair is the one that works together to design the parameters of the marriage moving forward. Frequently, they create new boundaries, new behaviors and deeper connection. Trust is slowly earned with these changes and the couple has the sense of being in it together
Affairs frequently create a crisis in a marriage and it’s critical to get help. You wouldn’t avoid the ER if you’ve had a heart attack, would you? By working with a Couples Therapist, you can stabilize your situation, analyze the old marriage and build a healthier, stronger one. I can help you through weekly sessions, or perhaps a longer one or two day Breakthrough Session. Contact me here.
Whatever you do, don’t run to divorce court without first giving yourselves a chance to heal.
One of the hardest things I ever encounter as a Marriage Therapist is the couple where trust has been broken. One partner is typically heartbroken and angry, while the other is guilty and scared. Both generally feel helpless.
Has trust in your relationship been broken? Are you wondering how to rebuild it? We typically think about extramarital affairs, but honestly there are many ways to breach trust. Maybe you’ve discovered your partner’s ongoing porn habit. Perhaps you, yourself, have been keeping a secret bank account.
Strong marriages require strong trust as a foundation. Here are some ideas to get back on track:
First and foremost, if you’re the one who has broken trust, OWN it! You must take responsibility for your actions—no excuses. Ask for forgiveness and pledge to do whatever it takes to rebuild trust.
If you’re the one needing to forgive, DO IT. Forgiveness paves the road toward rebuilding trust. Forgiveness is given, but trust needs to be earned.
Be patient. Rebuilding trust requires time and consistency.
Be consistent…both in your words and in your actions.
Be willing to temporarily give up some freedoms. Think about how when your arm is broken it must be restricted in a cast in order to heal. This might come in the form of your wife needing to look at your cell phone or your husband having the password to your bank account.
Swallow your pride and do whatever’s necessary to rebuild your partner’s trust.
Have complete transparency. Secrets kill intimacy. Don’t visit websites, have conversations or go anywhere that you wouldn’t want your partner to know about. Pick a trusted friend or therapist to help you stay accountable and keep you on the right track with your behavior.
Don’t be a repeat offender. This makes it much harder for your partner to start trusting you again.
Seek professional help if you aren’t able to fix it alone. Marriage Therapists know how to help you have the healing conversations required for rebuilding trust once broken.
You’ll know that you are succeeding, when your partner relaxes, stops checking up on you, and believes what you say. Don’t give up! If you follow these suggestions, stay committed and consistent, trust will slowly rebuild and your relationship will improve.
I’m a Marriage Therapist with 30 years of experience and I frequently receive calls from women. They ask, “How can I get my partner to go to Couples Counseling?” Sometimes they think his reluctance means that he doesn’t care, doesn’t love her or is just downright stubborn! I believe that more times than not, it’s because they’re afraid.
Afraid? Why? Here’s the truth about why men are so afraid of couples counseling.
First of all, you must realize that talk therapy favors women. We communicate with words. Lots of them. We love to talk. Sometimes when we get together with our girlfriends, it’s nothing more than hours of sitting over tea and talking. We have a lot of emotions and we’re pretty good at expressing them. We like to analyze them and our brains are wired for this.
Men are different. They rarely get together to talk about their feelings with their guy friends. They do stuff. They play tennis, watch football, play video games. Their brains are wired differently than ours and they’ve been told since they were born to not be “a sissy”. What does this even mean? Most men describe that they were shamed or ridiculed for expressing their feelings, especially if it was sadness or fear.
”Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” “Oh, you’re crying, what are you a little girl?” “Big boys aren’t scaredy cats!” Now, I realize that some parents today are offering a lot less of these negative messages about feelings to their sons. Yet, I’m surprised at how many men still have these ideas. We still live in a culture that favors anger over sadness or fear for the male gender.
He probably doesn’t even realize or can’t acknowledge that he might feel afraid or uncomfortable in therapy. He just says that he doesn’t want to go or you don’t need it. Why would he want to go sit in a room with a stranger and talk about his feelings? Can’t you just get over it?
So, what do you do if you feel that your relationship really is in trouble and could use some help?
What if the two of you have lost that loving feeling or it seems like you’re arguing all the time? You know that it’s not going to get better on it’s own, but you aren’t sure how to get him to come to couples counseling.
The first thing you must do is find a safe, quiet moment to tell your partner what you’re feeling. If you want him to come to couples therapy with you, you must acknowledge what’s going on for him. Let him know that you know it’s not comfortable for him and that it makes sense. Really empathize with what a dilemma it is. You know he cares about you and the relationship, but therapy sounds like being sentenced to hard labor.
Do not blame him for whatever problem the two of you are having. The truth is that your relationship is dynamic. Both of you are contributing to what isn’t working and you will both need to participate in the solution. Many husbands are afraid to come to couples therapy because they have been blamed by their wives. Why would he want to have to pay to have two people gang up on him?
Verbally own your part in what needs to change. Try saying something like, “We’ve fallen into some bad patterns and I need your help to change. Please come with me to couples counseling so that I can have a clear picture of what I need to work on.”
If finding the therapist is up to you, do your due diligence. Look for a therapist with training and experience specifically in couples counseling. Good Relationship Therapists know how to put both women and men at ease. They proceed slowly and are able to reassure both parties that the therapy room is a safe space. They do not allow mutual blaming, but rather move you to take responsibility and change your own behaviors. They understand gender differences and work accordingly.
Couples therapy will help you to interrupt painful and dysfunctional patterns in your relationship. It will help you to improve your communication and deepen your connection. It will teach you new tools and skills and help you to heal the pain of the past. If you have a willing partner, rejoice! If you do not, try these tips. If all else fails, go to see a therapist on your own. Many a partner has been able to join in once the ball is rolling.
Are you committed to not getting divorced but worried that things can’t be repaired? You’re better off than you might imagine. Divorce does not have to be the answer to your problems.
Years ago, I read a statistic that blew me away. It’s been shown that couples wait an average of six years before seeking help once they begin to experience difficulty in marriage. Six years! No wonder there’s a spike in divorce at seven years.
Even if you’ve been struggling for six years or longer, there is help for you. The very fact that you’re committed to avoiding divorce gives you a tremendous advantage to work things out. Congratulations, you’re not asleep at the wheel!
Most of us commit to one another at the beginning of our relationship while in the Romantic Stage. This is when we are falling in love and have plenty of hormones and brain chemicals on board to ease the way. You’ve heard that love is blind? In this stage, we are literally blinded to differences and annoyances present in our loved one .
Within about two years, the chemicals begin to wear off and our partners start to bug us. Traits that used to be adorable are starting to cause arguments and fights. In Imago Relationship Therapy, this is called the Power Struggle Stage.
The struggle seems to be a demand for things to go back to how they were in the beginning. We beg, threaten, cry, yell and cajole and when our partners don’t change, we start to think about divorce. Is this sounds familiar, you are not alone! This round and round gets worse and worse until couples become desperate and separate. Or, some couples stay together but resign themselves to living a life of unhappiness. This does not have to be you!
As long as one of you commits to change and growth, your relationship can improve. Maybe your spouse is not willing to engage in couples therapy. If you have to go alone, do it. Just be certain to focus on what you want and need to change about yourself to make your marriage better.
In my experience, spouses often get curious as they start to see changes in each other. This frequently results in their getting involved. Remember, sometimes divorce is just a solution that becomes a bigger problem. It’s usually better to try to work things out if possible.
If you can manage to go to therapy together, it will help you to strengthen your commitment. I teach couples a new way to interact and will coach you through better communication tools. You’ll learn how to resolve conflict, melt resentment and forgive. You might even restore lost sexual intimacy.
Some couples prefer a one or two day workshop to dive in deep and resolve things more quickly. For some of your spouses, this might be an easier sell than a weekly commitment to therapy sessions.
Either way, you will slowly feel your relationship transforming. Your deeper feelings of love and respect will re-awaken. This is called Mature Love because it’s conscious and requires effort.
In the Mature Love Stage of your relationship, you’ll experience real joy—even greater than the initial feelings of romantic love and without the brain drugs! So if you’e worried that things can’t get better, relax. In the hands of a competent Marriage Therapist you have a good chance of saving your marriage and avoiding divorce!
Does it feel like forever since you’ve been intimate with your partner? Here are some ways to feed a sex-starved marriage.
Before deciding if your relationship is actually starved for sex, let’s look at how often is normal? Do you remember that split-screen scene in the movie Annie Hall? Watch this clip to see how your point of view influences the way you feel about it.
Are you thinking, “hardly ever–maybe three times per week” or “constantly–maybe three times per week”?
Recent research shows that happily married couples make love on the average of once per week. Researchers found that couples who have sex more often than that are not necessarily happier. The new study, based on surveys of more than 30,000 Americans gathered over 40 years, found that having sex more frequently than once a week was not associated with greater well being.
If you are one of those less happy couples having sex less than once per week, here are some tips for you to incorporate:
Share household chores and responsibilities. Believe it or not, you’ll have more desire to have physical intimacy with a spouse who feels like a partner. Women especially tend to shut off if feelings of anger and resentment have seeped. This is bound to happen if the division of labor is unequal. Especially with young children, women tend to take on more responsibility for the house and kids. Not sexy!
Make time to relax and be present. This means scheduling a date night to be alone together, without children or media distractions. Go for a walk or out to a dinner. Make a rule to talk about the children for only the first 10 minutes. Put your phones on silent or leave them at home. Remember how it felt to be dating and romantic.
Do something different. Brain research has shown that novelty produces erotic interest and excitement. Leave the lights on, make love in a different room, take a trip. Many couples tell me that their sexiest nights are in hotel rooms–everything neat and clean and no dishes calling from the kitchen! Introduce a little real or perceived danger into your sexual play.
Account for differences in libido. Sometimes partners differ in how much sex they crave. (Back to Annie Hall) If your partner wants sex more often than you, consider putting sex on your schedule. Then, set the tone. Take a warm bath or shower, light some fragrant candles and put on some soft music. You might enjoy a glass of wine to relax. Desire often follows arousal, so allow your partner to arouse you.
Evaluate what’s right for you. It’s important for you to talk to your spouse about your particular needs and desires as a couple. Spend some time discussing your value system and the rhythm of your life. Do what works for the two of you. Your sex life might ebb and flow following the demands of your current circumstances. Be sure neither of you is actually feeling sex-starved.
Try these ideas to feed a sex-starved marriage. But first be sure that you actually have one.
Choosing to see a Relationship Therapist is a courageous decision. In fact, the average amount of time a struggling couple waits to seek help is around six years! Research also shows that sooner is better than later in terms of having a good outcome. In an effort to encourage you to engage sooner, I’m going to try to help you simplify the process of choosing a Relationship Therapist that’s right for you.
First of you all, you should know that I am in favor of seeking couples counseling before getting married. Premarital Therapy helps you to build a solid foundation for your marriage. You don’t have to have problems to benefit from learning about the stages of marriage, good communication tools or conflict resolution. If you can’t find the time or money while planning your wedding to come in for private sessions, consider a workshop designed specifically for you at this stage of your relationship.
There are basically two ways to find a good relationship therapist.
The first way is to ask someone you trust for a referral. This can be your doctor, attorney, clergy or a friend who’s engaged in Relationship Therapy and had good results.
I recommend that you pick a therapist who has a degree in Psychology or in Marriage and Family Therapy with the corresponding license from the state where you live. Additionally, it’s wise to look for someone who has advanced education, training, certification and experience working with couples.
Many therapists say that they see couples, but you want to be sure that Relationship Therapy makes up a large percentage of the work that they do. Seek out a therapist who’s been practicing in the field for at least a decade when possible. Research shows that the longer a therapist has been practicing usually the better client outcomes. Experience matters.
Once you’ve chosen a therapist, there are certain things you need to look for in the first appointment.
First off you should feel safe and comfortable with the personality of the therapist. She should be warm and friendly and put you at ease. She should also be confident and reassuring about helping you to improve your issues and dynamics.
Additionally, the therapist you choose should be able and willing to explain how he or she works and what you can expect. He or she should also be willing to answer all of your questions.
Moving forward you will want to be sure that your therapist:
Is caring and compassionate to both of you.
Actively tries to help you and communicates what she sees that might be standing in the way.
Effectively structures the sessions so that you feel safe and held.
Challenges each of you about your contributions to the problem without taking sides.
Understands your gender, cultural and religious beliefs as they apply to your relationship.
Offers specific strategies and coaches you how to use them.
Is alert to individual problems such as depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse or illnesses.
Remember that Relationship Therapy is not a quick fix but generally does not take as long as individual therapy.
Within four to six sessions, you should have a better understanding of you and your partner’s relationship. By then, you can expect to have learned better communication tools and ways to experience deeper connection and intimacy.
You might find that meeting weekly or bi-monthly is not intensive enough for the problem at hand. If you are in a relationship crisis, such as after the discovery of an affair, you might want to opt for a longer format. I call these Intensives or Breakthrough Sessions. Longer sessions can include one and two full days with a therapist dedicated to your growth and healing.
Couples Workshops and Group Intensives are also very beneficial and offer you the learning from the Therapist as well as from the other couples attending. Sometimes the right therapy for you might be a combination of these possibilities. Read this to see if a workshop for couples is right for you.
If you find yourself uncomfortable or concerned about the work you’re doing with your Relationship Therapist, speak up. If after addressing your concerns, the difficulties persist, it might be that this is not the right fit for you. In that case, you might have to find another therapist that will be a better choice for the two of you.
Mary Kay Cocharo, LMFT works with couples committed to being in the healthiest version of their relationship, take the assessment quiz to see how healthy your relationship is.
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