Who Has the Power to Decide?

Do you ever get stuck with your partner in an unending argument about who has the right to make important decisions? Maybe you think that a particular decision should be all yours to make, while your mate thinks it should be made together. Who really has the power in the relationship?  

Couples routinely have difficulty negotiating decisions, large and small. Most commonly, they’ve never thought about their expectations. When you think about it, there are many decisions to be made in a long and intimate relationship. Most of these revolve around how and when to use your limited resources: money, energy and time.

I’ve put together a list of categories that you might want to talk about with your partner. Be honest about who currently makes decisions in these areas, and what you would prefer. Commit to negotiating changes where you don’t already agree.

Who has the power to make decisions about…

• Where you live?
• What job or career each of you pursues?
• How many hours each of you work?
• Whether or not to have children? When? How many?
• How to juggle careers with childrearing?
• Frequency and quality of social life?
• Frequency and quality of family visits?
• When and how often to have sex?
• How to have sex?
• How to spend and save money?
• How and when to pursue personal interests and hobbies?
• When and where to go on vacation?
• Medical care for the family?
• Who designates household chores?
• Time spent alone?
• Time spent together?
• Whether/when/how to pursue religious interests?
• Where and how to spend holidays?

Be sure to customize your list. Delete any items that don’t pertain to you. Add other relevant areas that you find important to your relationship.

Talking about how to make a decision–alone or together, is an important first step towards actually making the decision. Working together will help you to feel like respected partners.