Did You Have the BEST Valentine’s Day Ever?

The answer to that question depends on what you were looking for.  Many singles feel sad on Valentine’s Day because they fantasize about the romance being experienced by their married counterparts. Many married people, however, report feeling sad and disappointed despite having partners with whom to celebrate. Expectations and needs determine satisfaction.

Here’s a snippet of what happened in my counseling office:

Counselor: How was Valentine’s Day?

Client: It was fine. He bought me chocolates and a small gift. (Starts to cry).

Counselor: What are your tears about?

Client: All I really wanted was for him to write me a love letter.

OR a few hours later:

Counselor: How was your Valentine’s Day?

Different Client: My wife wrote me a poem in a card. It was nice, but we didn’t even cuddle or make love.

OR after that:

Counselor: How was Valentine’s Day?

Different Client: He tried. (Sighing) He bought me a present, wrote me a card and said he loved me.

Counselor: Was that not what you were looking for?

Client: Honestly, no. I work hard all week, I clean the house and I take care of the kids. What I really needed was some quality time alone with him out of the house…a date.

I bet you’re thinking that no one can ever win at this holiday! Maybe you can relate to trying hard and missing the mark somehow. This happens when you don’t know your partner’s Love Language. This is, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, the primary way that each of us wants and needs to receive love.

In his book, The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Chapman outlines five ways to give and receive love. He tells us that we all want to be loved in every way possible, but we each have a favorite expression. It’s like speaking in your mother tongue. You can tell me all day that you love me in German, but I won’t know what you’re saying if I only speak Spanish!

Here are the five Love Languages he has found:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

In the examples of people’s descriptions of Valentine’s Day, you can see that in each scenario, the partner had tried to express love. In the first case, the husband had offered his wife gifts. She wanted words of affirmation. In the second case, the wife gave her husband words when he wanted touch. The poor guy in the third case, offered gifts and words only to find out that she wanted quality time!

Can you see how knowing your partner’s love language might win you points and lead to a happier relationship? One way to find your love language is to take the questionnaire in Dr. Chapman’s book. I find, however, that most people can figure it out just by thinking about it. What do you appreciate the most when it arrives? What do you complain about the most when it doesn’t arrive? What makes you feel most loved and safe in your intimate relationship? What do you desire and need above all else?

Once you’ve figured out what your love language is, be sure to schedule some time with your partner to let them know. Get to know the best way to give to one another so that next Valentine’s Day, you’ll answer the question, “Did you have the BEST Valentine’s day ever?” with a resounding “YES”!