Do You Expand or Constrict in the Face of Emotional Conflict?

The short video clip below made me laugh when I saw it. It reminds me of the differences we humans have when expressing our emotions.

Some of us have expanding energy when emotional…we puff up, get demonstrative and express outwardly (like this little fellow on the right). These folks are called Maximizers or Tigers in Imago Relationship Theory.
Others constrict their energy, shut down, get quiet and eventually leave (like the bird on the left). We call them Minimizers or Turtles. It’s not that one is better or worse, they’re just extremely different!

Typically we are drawn to choose a mate with the opposite adaptation of our own. These reactions come from our Limbic System which has learned these reactive patterns when we were children in order to survive. When we are locked in an interaction as either Tigers or Turtles, we typically go around and around in an endless cycle of arguing and escalation. The bigger the Tiger gets, the deeper into the shell the Turtle goes. The more unavailable the Turtle gets, the louder the Tiger roars for connection. Learning to override these reactions is a skill I teach couples to do in order for them to remain calm and capable of resolving conflicts. I call it “mastering the art of relational maturity”.

Ask yourself what you do when you start to feel angry, hurt or upset with your partner.

Do you fight, run, freeze or submit?

To stay in connection with your partner, you actually have to do what feels counterintuitive to you. When you feel like shutting down, you must stay present and listen. When you feel like blowing up, you must stay calm and listen.

I can teach you how to communicate in a way that will keep your reactivity at bay, keep your brain calm and allow you to maintain your emotional connection to each other. In the meantime, enjoy this pair of Maximizing and Minimizing Birds while listening to a little Elvis!