Can You Save Your Failing Marriage Alone?
I occasionally get calls from one partner in a marriage wanting to know if it would help for them to come in to Couples Therapy without their partners. There are many reasons why one person is unwilling or unable to start therapy. Perhaps the missing spouse is not interested or is wary, has had a bad experience with therapy in the past, doesn’t believe that there’s a need, doesn’t want to spend the money or can’t get away from work. Sometimes the caller is the wife and more and more the caller is the husband. I used to think that effective Couples Therapy always required both people in the room, but today I say, “Sure, come on in!”
Why the change of heart? Frankly, I have seen marriages saved by the efforts of one person. As long as either one of you is willing to change your way of relating, the dynamic in the marriage can reverse from negative to positive.
Let’s say that you and your partner find yourselves in a vicious power struggle–arguing all the time, failing to behave kindly, growing resentful and withholding sexual interaction. It would be tempting to go into therapy to gain an ally; someone who would side with you and agree that your partner is being an awful pain in the you-know-what!
If you sought out Individual Therapy, it would be the therapist’s job to help you to explore your family history and discover your internal psychological patterns. The therapist would hope that your life would improve as you gained powerful insights into your thoughts and feelings. She might even agree with you that your current spouse is thwarting your psychological growth and you’d be better off without him.
Couples Therapy carries a different theoretical orientation. The belief is not so much in insight creating change, but rather in the individual examining and changing patterns of relating with their partners. The relationship, rather than the individual, is the client. In this kind of therapy, the therapist should guide the client to view his or her approach in interactions with the other spouse. What are you saying and doing? How are you saying or doing it? How can you improve that in order to get your needs met?
Let’s take the example of a husband who recently contacted me. Ted told me that he loved his wife and was afraid that she was going to leave him. He admitted that he had been behaving badly for the past few years–working too late, going out for drinks, never including her in his plans, not approaching her sexually. He wanted help but let me know that his wife, Lynn, was too angry and hopeless to join him in Couples Therapy.
So, I assured him that I could help him turn their dynamic around and he came to Couples Therapy by himself. At first, we explored what he was trying to communicate with his wife. He said he loved her, but had definitely not been communicating that! He had been hurt and felt emotionally abandoned when she turned her attention toward mothering. He had pulled away in order to protect himself from these feelings.
I asked him what it would be like to talk to her about his hurt. He assured me that she wouldn’t listen. Again and again, I helped him to practice that talk until he found the courage to have it with Lynn. He came in one week pleasantly surprised that she had been receptive and even a bit empathetic.
Next, I got to work coaching him to behave more lovingly. Little by little, he started including her, giving her hugs, coming home earlier and doing loving things for her. I worked with him to keep him consistent with these reverse behaviors in order to build Lynn’s trust in him. He told me that it seemed harder for her to believe him than it was for him to make the necessary changes!
It took some time but eventually Ted reported that they were enjoying the marriage again. As he put positive energy into their relationship, she relaxed and started doing nice things for him, as well. The energy that we use protecting ourselves gets freed into the spirit of connection and passion.
So, if you have a partner who doesn’t want to work on your relationship, seek the help of a trained Marriage Therapist and go alone. One person can change an entire system!
