The holidays can provide one of the most joyful and yet the most stressful times of the year. The season allows us an opportunity to reflect on the holidays’ special meaning, whether related to personal relationships, family, or religion. However, we often also cope with family quarrels, busy friends, negative media focus, job difficulties, relationship pain, financial stress—all of this can leave you feeling depressed, anxious, and alone.
So much of this pressure is built on envisioning how it SHOULD BE. Those ideas come from seeing the perfect family in magazines, movies, commercials, social media, and more.
Reality never quite seems to measure up, and the difference causes disappointment, hurt, confusion, and frustration. This year will be unlike others, as many of us won’t see extended family and friends.
The holiday season is crucial to practice staying mindful, watching triggers, and not regressing into your childhood self. So, take time out to go for a walk or just breathe. Regular exercise and healthy eating can affect emotional well-being by relieving stress and raising spirits.
If you’ve experienced the death of someone close to you, the holidays are when memories can come flooding back. Make the holidays meaningful by acknowledging what your loved one meant to you. Don’t try to suppress your feelings. The love you felt for the person is in those feelings.
Tip #1 – Manage Loneliness
Conversely, having no family during the holidays can cause significant stress and feelings of isolation and loneliness.
In this case, don’t focus on what you think others are doing—go out and do something yourself.
Escape the holiday environment (Walk in the woods, go to a place where the holidays are less prominent.)
Volunteer -mask up and go where you are most needed: nursing homes, churches, hospitals, food pantry, etc.
Visit a place of worship or any place that brings you meaning and comfort.
Video call a friend you haven’t seen in a while.
If you are truly struggling and having a particularly difficult time during this holiday season, you might benefit from talking to a compassionate therapist. You can also call a Mental Health Hotline if your anxiety or depression feels severe. They will be happy to talk to you and get you the help you need. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) Or, if texting is easier: Crisis Text Line: Text “home” to 741741
Tip #2 – Manage Relationship Challenges
Because the holidays emphasize togetherness, relationship challenges are particularly difficult this time of year.
If you’re in a shaky relationship, make a pact that you’ll be gentle with one another through the holiday season. Give each other the gift of signing up for a couples workshop to deepen your love and connection.
If you’ve recently broken up, don’t dwell on how much more fun you’d be having if you were still together. Don’t troll Facebook and Instagram to compare your sad life with everyone else’s highlight reels!
If you’re tempted to call the Ex, try to remember why you broke up. Own your loneliness. Restarting things during the holidays rarely works and will make you feel worse later on.
Tip #3 – Manage Unrealistic Expectations
Aim for a comfortable holiday, not a wonderful one. Forget what you think it’s supposed to look like based on media expectations and commercialism.
Start by entertaining the notion that most of life’s disappointments wouldn’t be nearly as devastating if we kept our expectations more in line with reality.
Think back to a time when something you were reluctant to do turned out to be not so terrible after all—that delicious moment when you thought to yourself: “That wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be.”
This revelation can bring a huge sigh of relief and remind us to keep expectations in check. Anytime we assume the worst, we set ourselves up for misery, even if the reality isn’t all that bad.
Similarly, it can help to be realistic about your chances for a holiday filled with nothing but serenity and happiness (hint: The odds are pretty low).
Have you already forgotten about last year’s holiday dinner where everything wasn’t what you’d hoped?
Did you vow this year would be different?
Of course, this wishful thinking assumes you won’t be exhausted from cooking, cleaning, shopping, wrapping, holiday preparations, and hoping people in your life will have new personalities!
Your holidays may not be everything you’ll want, especially this year with a pandemic. By choosing not to set your expectations unrealistically low or high and allowing events to unfold naturally, you can eliminate any pain and disappointment. Cultivating a little more humor and learning to laugh off those less than perfect moments can work wonders too!
Take Action: Start with a Deep Inventory of your Relationship with Aspects of the Holiday Season.
Ask the Following Questions: What do I like least about the holidays? Give yourself permission to let it go. What do I like best about the holidays? Make time and energy to do those things.
Consider yourself before setting out to tackle others’ agendas. (in person or on Zoom)
I also want to encourage you to choose deliberate self-care: -Take time out daily to focus on serenity. -Be good to your body: limit food, sweets, alcohol. Get exercise. Burn it off. -Meditate, pray, or employ relaxation techniques daily. -Look for the Good. Make a gratitude list or keep a journal of everything for which you are grateful.
Tip #4 -Focus on Gratitude – Your key to Unlocking Happiness and Inner Peace.
Gratitude is being aware of and appreciating good things that happen and taking the time to express thanks. Praise and thanksgiving are an elevated form of prayer. It benefits your outlook, your attitude toward others, your mood, your health, your relationships, and your work. A gratitude-filled approach to life has the potential to enhance your general well-being both this holiday season and all year long.
Create a Daily Gratitude List With a Piece of Paper Divided into Four Squares
Top Left Corner: List ten things for which you are grateful. These can be big or small things. (i.e., I’m grateful I had a hot shower, I’m grateful that my father is still alive, I’m grateful for my friends who love and support me in good times and bad, etc.)
Top Right Corner: -List three things that are challenging for you. -Record situations, people, or any other obstacle in your way. Now write down what you’re learning from these challenges.
Bottom Left Corner: List five people you’re thankful for, including family, friends, colleagues, or strangers who’ve made your life a little easier or happier.
Bottom Right Corner: -List the best part of your day. -Focus on this blessing before going to sleep. This is a sure-fire way to get a better night’s sleep and to wake up refreshed and eager to live another day.
The beauty of keeping a gratitude list or journal is that it trains your mind to start looking for what’s positive throughout the day.
Tip #5 – Focus on Creating New Memories
Make this the year to lay the foundation for many holidays to come. So think about new ways to celebrate, new places to visit, new foods to prepare. By creating a fresh set of traditions, you will be giving yourself and your children something to look forward to this year
By replacing old memories with the new, you can make the holidays special again.
Tip #6-Commit to Living a Counscious Life
We can accept or reject our causes of stress. Our choices are reflections of who we are as people. We can control our experiences of the holidays, or they can control us!
Create a miracle for yourselves this holiday season – small or big!
Noun: A woman in relation to her child or children
Verb: To bring up a child with care and affection: To look after kindly and protectively, sometimes excessively so. To give birth to. Informal An extreme example or very large specimen of something.
In May we celebrate Mother’s Day. The word Mother seems to me much more complicated than the above definition that I found in the dictionary. I am a woman in relation to my children and also to my stepchildren. I am a Grandmother in relation to my only grandchild. I’ve brought up children with care and affection. I’ve looked after them kindly and protectively, sometimes excessively so. I’ve given birth to some of them, acquired others through marriage. But there’s more.
I also have a Mother. Two actually. There was the Mother that brought me up with care and affection. She was the one that looked after me kindly and protectively, but not excessively so. She did not give birth to me.
Then there was the one who did give birth to me. I did not know her. She did not bring me up, nor did she look after me kindly. She left me with the nuns at Catholic Charities right after my birth. I spent my life wondering who she was, searching for the details of my adoption at six months and imagining our meeting one day.
My adoption was a story of rejection and abandonment
For me, as for many of the adoptees I’ve met, my adoption was a story of rejection and abandonment. Why was I left? Why didn’t my Mother want to keep me? Why didn’t I ever feel really bonded with the Mother who reared me? Who do I look like? Do I have other siblings? Who is my Father? The unanswerable questions. Why would my own Mother reject me? Abandon me?
I don’t like rejection. I’ve suffered mightily when friends have made plans without me. When lovers have rolled over and gone to sleep before me. When I’ve been passed over for any reason. It’s been easy to trigger deep feelings of worthlessness and not belonging in me. I’ve worked hard to heal these wounds and for the most part, I have. It always takes me by surprise when something small wounds me deeply. It’s eye opening when the present moment triggers the pain of the past.
After many years of searching for my birth Mother, I gave up. My adoptive Mother passed away and I resigned myself to being a Motherless Daughter. I have my own children. I know who I look like now. I turned my attention to being a full presence in the life of those I mother. Even now, I’m writing from one of my daughter’s homes where I’m fully enjoying being a Grandmother.
And yet…in May it’s still hard to look at the Mother’s Day cards in the stores and know there’s no one waiting for me to send one. Sometimes I send one to the Wife of the only Father I’ve ever known. But she is not my Mother. I also send flowers to my Aunt who has looked after me kindly throughout my life. At 93, she is still a good Mother figure to me. But she is not really my Mother.
A few years ago, I sent my saliva to 23 and Me for heredity information. Not knowing these kinds of things is one of the hard things about closed adoptions. They verified that I am, indeed, mostly of Italian descent. They also found some possible genetic matches with some sixth cousins. I asked them to stop sending me emails until they found a sibling or a parent with a genetic match. Knowing I had sixth cousins was just confusing and unhelpful.
A few months ago, they sent me a different email. This time it was from a woman in New York who had matched as a half sibling. She and her sister share half of their DNA with me. We had the same Mother. The Mother who did not look after me kindly. As the story unfolds, it seems that, although she kept my sisters, she did not look after them kindly or protectively. She gave birth but did not bring them up with care or affection.
My narrative turned into a story of grace and redemption
And just like that, my narrative of rejection and abandonment turned into a story of grace and redemption. I was the “lucky one” my sister said. I was the one that got both parts of the definition. It took two women—one to give birth and one to nurture and provide love, but I got both. Lucky, indeed.
As I’ve learned the story of my birth Mother’s life, I have compassion for her and the decisions she made. I don’t blame her. I’m no longer curious and I’m at peace. I have two sisters and I have a new story. That’s good. All good.
I will not be sending any Mother’s Day cards this year. My Mothers have both passed. Instead, I’m going to focus on being the Mother this year—the Mother of all Mothers. (see Informal definition above).
I’m going to thank my children, my stepchildren, my students and my lovely Interns for allowing me to mother them. I’m going to revel in the mothering energy that I’ve received from so many strong and powerful women and even a few men. I’m going to celebrate being Mémé to my precious granddaughter in France. And I’m going to be at peace. Finally.
[av_textblock size=” font_color=” color=”]
Halloween is my favorite holiday. I love dressing up in costume and seeing how everyone else dresses up. What is it about this activity that we find so enticing? I realize that as children, the main draw was going from house-to-house to get free candy. But now, as adults, that cannot be it! After all, with cash in my pocket and keys to the car, I could conceivably drive to the nearest CVS and buy a bag of the sugary stuff for myself! No, that’s not it.
[/av_textblock]
[av_textblock size=” font_color=” color=”]
I’ve given this a lot of thought. After about the fifth year of dressing up like one queen or another, my best friend noticed. She remarked, “Of course you’re going to dress as a Queen again! What else?” I honestly hadn’t been aware that I kept gravitating toward elaborate queen costumes from various countries and times in history. In retrospect, I had been going through a particularly difficult time in life where I definitely wasn’t feeling my Inner Queen. I was overworking, in a difficult relationship, rearing three kids and struggling financially. Halloween represented the one day a year when I could get on top of my game!
What about you? Do you have a go-to costume that has special meaning to you? Think about it.
In Imago theory, we posit that we come into the world as perfect, complete, vibrating balls of energy. If we receive messages from our caretakers which encourage our thinking, feeling, sensing, moving, being, then we remain relatively whole. If, however, our early messages are repressive (stay still, don’t cry, you’re not smart enough, I wish you’d been a boy, you were an accident, etc.), then certain parts of our wholeness are either shut down or exaggerated. We make these adaptations to our personalities in order to survive the family of origin. These lost parts are called the denied self, the lost self, the disowned self, or the shadow in Jungian terms.
In a recent training on Character Growth, the workshop leaders asked us to come to the workshop as our Lost Selves. One woman who had been sexually molested as a child came dressed as a beautiful, sexy, powerful woman after years of having shut down and hidden her femininity in order to stay safe. One man came as a daredevil after a lifetime of “playing it safe” . I dressed as a goofy, silly, outrageous girl in response to parental messages about the importance of behaving within acceptable guidelines. Get the picture?
So, back to Halloween. Is it possible that we love Halloween because it offers us the possibility and the freedom to play with our Lost Selves; to dig deep into ourselves and bring out that missing part? Or, maybe, costumes just help us to express something about ourselves that we want to bring forward and celebrate.
For me, dressing as a Queen was a way to bring forward a part of myself that my day-to-day life had buried. I invite you to think back on your choice of costumes, this year and in years past. Perhaps, in your choice of playful disguises there is a kernel of information to help you see what you may have lost along the way. It’s never too late to grow into your perfect, complete wholeness or to live your most fully expressed self!
Since my Dressing as a Queen days, I have married a beautiful man with whom I feel safe, cared for and appreciated. I have better boundaries at work, a good work/life balance, and my three children have launched into adulthood. I no longer struggle with too little time, energy or money. This year, I will not feel the need to dress as a Queen, although I might choose to. I think I might actually try dressing as a silly, goofy, outrageous girl complete with pigtails and socks that don’t match!
How about you? I would love to see some photos of what you choose. Have fun with your costume and enjoy the candy, too!
If you want or need some help in exploring these or any other personal or relational issues, give me a call.
[/av_textblock]
The holidays provide for perhaps one of the most joyful and yet the most stressful times of the year. The season affords each of us an opportunity to reflect on the special meaning of the holidays whether related to personal relationship, family, or religion.
What are some things with which we must cope during the holiday?
Family quarrels, busy friends, negative media focus, job difficulties, relationship pain, financial stress—all of this can leave you feeling depressed, anxious and alone.
Let’s look at some of the most common holiday stressors:
Family Tensions
We put our responsibilities to family—children, parents, siblings—over all other relationships we maintain. To not do so would run against the fabric of our culture and would be irresponsible.
During the holidays, family commitments increase. We envision how it SHOULD be. Where do those ideas come from? We see perfect happy families in:
Magazines
Movies/TV programs
Commercials
Memories of Better Times
Reality seems to never quite measure up and the difference causes disappointment, hurt, confusion and frustration.
Don’t expect everyone to get along. Just because you’re related doesn’t mean you have to like everyone. If you’d prefer to spend time alone, do it! Or choose friends over family when possible.
Don’t regress to your childhood self. Watch for triggers. Take a time out, go for a walk or just breathe.
Remember to get regular exercise and don’t pick up mindless eating habits. Exercise and healthy eating can affect emotional well-being by relieving stress and raising spirits.
If you’ve experienced the death of someone close to you, the holidays are when memories can come flooding back. Make the holidays meaningful by acknowledging what your loved one meant to you. Don’t try to suppress your feelings. The love you felt for the person is in those feelings.
Loneliness Conversely, having no family during the holidays can cause great stress and feelings of isolation and loneliness.
In this case, don’t focus on what you think others are doing—go out and do something yourself.
Escape the holiday environment (Walk in the woods, go to a place where the holidays are less prominent.
Volunteer: Go someplace where you are really needed: nursing homes, churches, hospitals etc.
Visit a place of worship or anyplace that brings you meaning and comfort.
Invite a friend you haven’t seen in a while to dinner.
Call an anonymous Hot-Line. Click here for a full listing of where to call.
Relationship Challenges Because the holidays emphasize togetherness, relationship challenges are particularly difficult this time of year.
If you’re in a shaky relationship, make a pact that you will be gentle with another through the holidays. Give each other the gift of signing up for my couples workshop on Valentine’s day weekend! (Email me for the details! Therapy@mkcocharo.com)
If you’ve recently broken up, don’t dwell on how much more fun you’d be having if you were still together. Don’t troll Facebook and Instagram to compare your sad life with everyone else’s highlight reels!
If you’re tempted to call the Ex, try to remember why you broke up. Own your loneliness. Restarting things during the holidays rarely works and will make you feel worse later on.
Unrealistic Expectations Aim for a comfortable holiday, not a wonderful one. Forget what you think it’s supposed to look like based on media expectations and commercialism.
Start by entertaining the notion that most of life’s disappointments wouldn’t be nearly as devastating if we kept our expectations more in line with reality.
Think back to a time when something you were reluctant to do turned out to be not so terrible after all—that delicious moment when you thought to yourself: “That wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be.”
This revelation can bring a huge sigh of relief and remind us to hold expectations in check. Anytime we assume the worst, we set ourselves up for misery, even if the reality isn’t all that bad.
Similarly, it can help to be realistic about your chances for a holiday that’s filled with nothing but serenity and happiness (hint: The odds are pretty low). Have you already forgotten about last year’s holiday dinner where everything wasn’t what you had hoped it would be? Have you vowed that this year things will be different? Of course, this wishful thinking assumes that you won’t be exhausted from cooking, cleaning, shopping, wrapping, and attending to all other holiday preparations, and that the people in your life will have new personalities!
Your holiday may not be everything you want it to be. By choosing not to set your expectations unrealistically low or high, but instead allowing events to unfold however they do, you can help to eliminate the pain of disappointment from your holiday season. It will also help to cultivate a sense of humor and learn to laugh off all the less than perfect moments.
My advice to you is to take a deep inventory of your relationship to the various aspects of the holiday season. Ask yourself,
What do I like least about the holidays? Give yourself permission to let it go.
What do I like best about the holidays? Make the time and energy to do those things.
Consider yourself before setting out to tackle others agendas.
I also want to encourage you to choose deliberate self care:
*Take time out daily to focus on serenity.
*Be good to your body: limit food, sweets, alcohol. Get exercise. Burn it off.
*Meditate, pray or employ relaxation techniques daily.
*Look for the Good: Make a gratitude list or keep a journal of everything you’re grateful for.
The Science of Happiness has shown that gratitude is your key to unlocking happiness and inner peace.
Gratitude is being aware of and appreciating good things that happen and taking the time to express thanks. Praise and thanksgiving are an elevated form of prayer. It benefits your outlook, your attitude toward others, your mood, your health, your relationships and your work. A gratitude-filled approach to life has the potential to enhance your general well-being both this holiday season and all year long.
To make a daily gratitude list, take a piece of paper and divide it into four squares. In the top left corner, record 10 things that you’re grateful for. These can be large or small things. Example: I’m grateful that I had a hot shower, I’m grateful that my father is still alive, I’m grateful for my friends who love and support me in good times and bad, etc.
In the top right corner, list three things that are challenging to you. Record situations, people or any other obstacle in your way. Now write down what you’re learning from these challenges.
In the bottom left corner of your page, list five people you’re thankful for, including family, friends, colleagues or strangers who have made your life a little easier or happier.
Finally, in the bottom right hand corner of your page, record the best part of your day. Focus on this blessing before going to sleep. This is a sure-fire way to get a better night’s sleep and to wake up refreshed and eager to live another day.
The beauty of keeping a gratitude list or journal is that it trains your mind to start looking for what’s positive throughout the day.
Create New Memories Make this the year to lay the foundation for many holidays to come. So think about new ways to celebrate, new places to visit, new foods to prepare. By creating a fresh set of traditions you will be giving yourself and your children something to look forward to.
By replacing old memories with the new, you can make the holidays special again.
Commit to Staying Conscious We can accept or reject our causes of stress. Our choices are reflections of who we are as people. We can control our experiences of the holidays, or they can control us!
Go out and create a miracle for yourselves this holiday season! See you in the New Year…
The answer to that question depends on what you were looking for. Many singles feel sad on Valentine’s Day because they fantasize about the romance being experienced by their married counterparts. Many married people, however, report feeling sad and disappointed despite having partners with whom to celebrate. Expectations and needs determine satisfaction.
Here’s a snippet of what happened in my counseling office:
Counselor: How was Valentine’s Day?
Client: It was fine. He bought me chocolates and a small gift. (Starts to cry).
Counselor: What are your tears about?
Client: All I really wanted was for him to write me a love letter.
OR a few hours later:
Counselor: How was your Valentine’s Day?
Different Client: My wife wrote me a poem in a card. It was nice, but we didn’t even cuddle or make love.
OR after that:
Counselor: How was Valentine’s Day?
Different Client: He tried. (Sighing) He bought me a present, wrote me a card and said he loved me.
Counselor: Was that not what you were looking for?
Client: Honestly, no. I work hard all week, I clean the house and I take care of the kids. What I really needed was some quality time alone with him out of the house…a date.
I bet you’re thinking that no one can ever win at this holiday! Maybe you can relate to trying hard and missing the mark somehow. This happens when you don’t know your partner’s Love Language. This is, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, the primary way that each of us wants and needs to receive love.
In his book, The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Chapman outlines five ways to give and receive love. He tells us that we all want to be loved in every way possible, but we each have a favorite expression. It’s like speaking in your mother tongue. You can tell me all day that you love me in German, but I won’t know what you’re saying if I only speak Spanish!
Here are the five Love Languages he has found:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
In the examples of people’s descriptions of Valentine’s Day, you can see that in each scenario, the partner had tried to express love. In the first case, the husband had offered his wife gifts. She wanted words of affirmation. In the second case, the wife gave her husband words when he wanted touch. The poor guy in the third case, offered gifts and words only to find out that she wanted quality time!
Can you see how knowing your partner’s love language might win you points and lead to a happier relationship? One way to find your love language is to take the questionnaire in Dr. Chapman’s book. I find, however, that most people can figure it out just by thinking about it. What do you appreciate the most when it arrives? What do you complain about the most when it doesn’t arrive? What makes you feel most loved and safe in your intimate relationship? What do you desire and need above all else?
Once you’ve figured out what your love language is, be sure to schedule some time with your partner to let them know. Get to know the best way to give to one another so that next Valentine’s Day, you’ll answer the question, “Did you have the BEST Valentine’s day ever?” with a resounding “YES”!
Many of us, Christians and Jews, celebrated Passover and Easter this past weekend.
I, personally, grew up in the Catholic Church, a tradition rich in the teachings of social justice. At Easter Mass, I listened as the celebrating priest gave his homily. I was deeply moved to hear him outline three attributes of what it means to be a Catholic. He noted that we do not shy away from, but rather, move into the darkness when we see it. In the darkness we offer understanding, empathy, comfort, and above all, hope. And we believe in transformation—the power for change.
As I listened to this outlined description of the essence of who we are as a community of faith, I was aware of the similarity between that and what we do as therapists. Indeed, we enter the darkness, we offer hope and we facilitate transformation. Over and over, we experience this process in our offices and consultation rooms with couples.
He also told a beautiful story of a Native American grandfather and his young granddaughter who were called off the reservation where they lived to downtown Phoenix where the grandfather had a meeting with the bank. The young girl was amazed at the high rise building they entered, the large marble foyer and the grandness of it all. He sat her down on a bench in front of three doors with the instruction “Don’t move until I get back”. The young girl sat quietly and watched the three doors. A very old, hunched man approached the first door, it opened, he went in and the door closed. A few minutes later, a very young, fit, vibrant man came out of the third door. “My goodness, look how quickly he went from very old, to very young!”, she thought. Next, a highly unattractive man entered the middle door. A few minutes later, the door opened and out walked a gorgeous, well-dressed woman. She thought, “These are very powerful doors”. This little girl fully believed in the power of transformation. And she had just been introduced for the first time, to the elevator.
That’s us. Human elevators. Sad, betrayed, disconnected, frightened people come in our doors and because of our willingness to face the darkness, offer hope and believe in the power of transformation, out come people who have grown clear, healed and connected.
Whatever tradition you hail from, whatever holidays you celebrate, I’m hoping that you believe in the power of transformation today and every day in the coming year.
Halloween is my favorite holiday: I love dressing up in costume and seeing how everyone else dresses up. What is it about this activity that we find so enticing? I realize that as children, the main draw was going from house to house to get free candy. But now, as adults, that cannot be it! After all, with cash in my pocket and keys to the car, I could conceivably drive to the nearest CVS and buy a bag of the sugary stuff for myself! No, that’s not it.
In Imago theory, we posit that we come into the world as perfect, complete, vibrating balls of energy. If we receive messages from our caretakers which encourage our thinking, feeling, sensing, moving, being…then we remain relatively whole. If, however, our early messages are repressive (“stay still”, “don’t cry”, ” you’re not smart enough”, “I wish you’d been a boy”, “you were an accident”, etc.) , then certain parts of our wholeness are either shut down or exaggerated. We make these adaptations to our personalities in order to survive the family of origin. These “lost parts” are called the denied self, the lost self, the disowned self, or the “shadow” in Jungian terms.
Well, it’s that time of year again. I’m hoping that all of you, my friends, family, clients and therapy seekers are having a nice season. I know that it can feel rushed and overwhelming, at times. The season seems to demand more time, energy and money than we have. Many of us may feel that our resources are already taxed and then along come these new ways to stretch even further.
Breathe….
Seriously, breathe. Rushing around, multi-tasking, and ignoring self-care, create stress. And stress shoots a hormone, cortisol, directly into our bodies. Too much cortisol leads to fatigue, decreased energy, irritability, impaired memory, depressed mood, decreased libido, insomnia, anxiety, impaired concentration, crying, restlessness, social withdrawal, and feelings of hopelessness. And if that didn’t get your attention, stress also leads to overeating and weight gain!
Have you ever heard it said, “Change your thinking, change your life”? This wise saying is based on the notion that we participate in the construction of our realities. In other words, what we focus on, is what we create. Many people use up most of their air- time and mental real-estate with negativity, “poor-me’s”, and complaints. Is it any wonder that they cannot break free and create the life they wish they had? Whether it’s with career, physical health and appearance, or relationships with loved ones, let 2010 be the year where you intentionally focus on what you’re really trying to create.
Emily stood in the rain intently staring at the travel poster outside the travel agency. Stunning sandy beaches, sun streaming onto golden beach goers, calm water just as blue as a sapphire. But the photo told only half the story; the headline told the rest:
“Forget the Family Drama & Escape to Barbados for the Holidays!”
Memories of last year’s holiday brought a sting of realization that she still wasn’t talking to her sister after a big fight.
There would be questions and accusations as always – and she would be the bad guy. Again. And with that, Emily was making reservations for Barbados before she even realized what was happening!
In his book, “When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People: Surviving Your Family and Keeping Your Sanity” (2005) Leonard Felder, a psychologist and author relates that his research shows fully 68 percent of those he interviewed said they found family functions “frustrating or unenjoyable”.
It’s inevitable that expectations run high during the holidays. We all have a tendency to compare the ideal families we see portrayed in advertising to our own and for many of us, these comparisons sadly fall short.
Your Family of Origin
Awareness is key in learning how your present feelings for the holidays relate to the past – whether you’re truly looking forward to time with family, or are dreading it – are influenced by your past.Your family of origin is that family in which you grew up, typically parents and siblings, but your family or origin would also include extended family such as grandparents if they lived with you. This is the family that had the greatest impact on your formative years and who may be exerting the greatest influence on whom you’ve become as a spouse and parent.
Why do these family issues seem to loom so large? If you grew up in a healthy family environment, you likely learned the benefits of compromise and negotiation in your own marriage and are in turn, teaching those skills to your own children.
Your challenge is greater if your family of origin experienced serious issues such as mental illness, abuse, alcoholism poverty, infidelity or divorce, however the rewards of taking on this challenge can be immense, particularly to your present family.
Triggers & the Reptilian Brain
It’s important to recognize what precipitates your feelings about family holiday events, particularly extreme feelings like dread. “Triggers” can include people, places, words, sounds, smells, and tastes – nearly anything that precipitates a certain feeling or emotion. As you can imagine, the list could be endless when speaking about our family of origin!
These triggers are instinctual and originate in what’s known as the reptilian brain, a part of the triune brain responsible for basic fight/flight or freeze reactions. Confronted by even a perceived stressor, an automatic and unconscious reaction occurs: cortisol is released into the system resulting in anxiety, depression – even physical illness.
Social situations, particularly those that are emotion-laden during the holidays are ripe for triggers. Recognizing them provides you with valuable insight. A good way to determine what might trigger emotions for you is to ask yourself, “What pushes my buttons when I get together with my family?”
Keeping in mind that we all act from our own perspective allows you to gain emotional distance from these triggers and their resulting emotions and look at the situation from a more logical viewpoint. What would you tell a friend who was relating her story?
How to Align Your Expectations & Focus on the Possibilities for the Holiday
Consider your family of origin as a mini-culture to which you belong. Now consider the other cultures you belong to: your own present family, your work, your place of worship. It’s difficult, if not impossible for everyone to get along at all times, let alone have consensus.
Your control over your family of origin is limited of course, as it is for us all, but you can control how you respond to the challenges that arise.
We all frame our thoughts in a certain way which affect how we respond to a situation:
Some people see an event as a problem; others view it as a learning experience
Some people focus on detail; others focus on the “big picture”
Some people focus on what’s happening to them personally and others focus on what’s best for the team (or family) and
Some people thrive on conflict while others seek to negotiate conflict.
You get the picture; the way others in your family frame their thoughts may be in direct opposition to yours, but recognizing this and appreciating their uniqueness allows for a more serenity during the time you’re together.
Self care is especially important during the holidays. Be a role model and establish your own boundaries – then follow through! Self care can take many forms; for instance, if staying with family causes you stress, make hotel reservations for the length of your stay.
Awareness of activities that bring you pleasure is one way to ensure your own self care. Whether you’re staying close to home or visiting out of town family, it’s important to invest in your own well being. Devoting time to quiet meditation, indulging in a luxurious massage or spa treatment, enjoying nature – even maintaining your exercise routine (modified is OK!) helps keep you healthy during times of stress.
Just as important as self care activities that bring you pleasure, is the avoidance of other activities that may not be in your best interest long-term, like excessive drinking, enjoying food that’s less nutritious, and spending excessively, to name but a few activities that look particularly attractive when you’re feeling vulnerable or stressed.
Perhaps the most empowering form of self care during the holidays is selecting those with whom you want to spend your time. Develop an awareness of those who support and nurture you; they may not be your “family of origin”, but they can be your “family of choice”!
Family of Origin Therapy
If you find that family of origin issues are too overwhelming to handle on your own or they’re affecting your present family, your spouse or children, therapy may be the answer.
Your therapist can help you examine your family background, its communication style, traditions, and patterns of behavior, thought and emotions and help you gain a new perspective.
Escape to Barbados – indeed escape of any kind – is not always possible, or in your best interest. Resolve to change your approach to the holiday season and lead the way in leaving family drama behind!
Deepen Emotional Intimacy