Do you Believe that Love and Marriage are Worth Fighting For?

The cover photo on my Facebook page says love is worth fighting for. Recently in the Psychotherapy Networker magazine, I read an article by William Doherty, PhD, professor in the Department of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota. Essentially, it’s an article for Couples Therapists like myself to question the neutral stance we were taught in graduate school concerning divorce.

Dr. Doherty writes that as a culture, we need to look hard at the societal and personal ramifications of divorce. After 30 years of divorce rates around 50%, we no longer believe that this is a mere trend. Divorce has become the hallmark of a generation which leans toward personal happiness and fulfillment over commitment and social obligation.

• Research on the effects of divorce on children has consistently shown for the past two decades that children do best in stable, reasonably low-conflict married families. Family break-up is associated with a decade or more of difficult transitions for children.

• Divorce is seen as a solution to an unhappy marriage, but also, in and of itself, creates another set of problems.

• Surveys also show that about 40% of divorcees eventually have regrets about their divorce, including whether or not they worked hard enough to prevent it.

Life is complicated, and divorce is sometimes necessary, but in the words of the poet, Dylan Thomas, why not “rage, rage against the dying of the light”?  We are wired for connection. We long for a special, intimate connection with an “other”. I suggest that the work I do with couples is a way to help them find deep attachment and commitment instead of moving on because staying requires hard work, healing and growth.

I agree with the sentiment of Dr. Doherty, when he says: “I like to think of marriage as coming with the conviction that nothing will break us up; that we’ll fight through whatever obstacles get in our way; that if the boat gets swamped, we’ll bail it out; that we’ll recalibrate our individual goals if they get out of alignment; that we’ll share leadership for maintaining and renewing our marriage; that we’ll renovate our marriage if the current version gets stale; that if we fight too much or too poorly, we’ll get help to fight better; that if sex is no longer good, we’ll find a way to make it good again; that we’ll accept each other’s weaknesses that can’t be fixed; and that we’ll take care of each other in our old age.”