Is Your Marriage Going Back to Normal after Covid or are You Creating a New Normal?

This year has been unprecedented in so many ways. For me, not being old enough to have lived through the Spanish flu, this is my very first pandemic experience. About a year ago, when I first heard of Covid-19 I, like most of us, thought that we would hunker down for a month or two and quickly get back to normal. I thought that my husband and I could do anything for a short period of time. I thought we were being courageous and resilient when the first Shelter at Home orders came down from our governor. We would stay home to do our part, wash our hands and not hoard toilet paper!

Obviously, that was wishful thinking because here we are many months later still threatened by this deadly virus. In addition to watching my own marriage go through the stages of letting go of life as we knew it, in my work as a Marriage Therapist, I have met with many couples on Zoom since last April. I started wondering why some of them have been negatively impacted by changes in their lives, while others have found a way to thrive.

In many ways these past months of 2020 have paralleled Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ stages of grief. For those of you not familiar with her work, she posits that people suffering loss go through five distinctive stages of grieving that loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

The loss of routine, freedom, feeling safe, jobs, health and the death of loved ones have all contributed to our grief.

DENIAL: Clearly there was denial at the beginning. This is illustrated by the way that none of us (except maybe the most knowledgeable epidemiologists) thought that we’d still be here watching as the death toll climbs a year later. Today, we have reached over 400,000 Americans who have died from this virus and the nation grieves. People actually thought that they could storm Costco and buy enough toilet paper and supplies to get them through the length of the pandemic. We were told that it was just the flu and that it was mild.

ANGER: As for anger, we have just lived through a banner year. People have raged against State and Local governments whose policies have dictated mask wearing and shut down businesses in some places. At times, we have also raged against the Federal government for not having done enough to protect us. For couples, impatience and frustration have increased as we struggle to live together without many of our usual distractions or freedoms. Simply put, some couples are weary of spending time together 24/7.

A few couples that I see in therapy, have opted to sleep in separate bedrooms during these past few months if only to create a little bit of distance and alone time.It seems that the pandemic, with its inherent restrictions, has caused some people to have more anxiety and irritability. Large numbers of us are overwhelmed—working from home, monitoring video schooling for children, worrying about our aging parents, our health and what’s safe or not according to the current information availabile. Many have lost their jobs or are suffering from reduced income and increased uncertainty. Spouses are the natural place to take out our negative emotions.

BARGAINING: While trying to process these various losses, we have at times entered the bargaining phase of grief. It’s characterized by our attempts to squeeze one more drop of normal out of our circumstances. “What if we only have 6 people over? What if we eat indoors but only take our masks off when we’re eating? What if I hang out with these young friends, they can’t get it, can they? And so it goes. The bargaining phase is the last stand as we resist acceptance.

DEPRESSION: As our bargains fail to restore normalcy, the emotional surrender that follows may appear similar to depression. According to the CDC, symptoms of both Anxiety Disorder and Depressive Disorder increased considerably in the United States during April–June of 2020, compared with the same period in 2019. Suicide and suicidal thoughts, especially among young people, has also shown increases since the Pandemic began.

ACCEPTANCE: The answer to whether or not we, and our marriages, will return to normal after the pandemic is influenced by our ability to get to the final stage, acceptance.

It’s not so much about saying, “it’s okay that we’re experiencing the largest public health crisis in modern history” but rather, “we’re experiencing the largest public health crisis in modern history, and we’re okay”.Some couples came to acceptance very early in the process. They re-arranged their houses, installed good internet, implemented game night, baked bread and bought seeds for the garden. Others have had less privilege and have truly suffered through health and financial challenges.

For those of us with mild loss, our ability to get back to normal requires an acceptance that there is a “new normal”. Some businesses are gone, offices are closed, and your spouse might be working from home from now on. Perhaps the way we function is forever changed, as in the ways that we socialize, travel, and educate our children.

I believe we have an opportunity to take some of the lessons of the past year to create even better marriages than before. I like that people are spending more time together as families and having to think of new ways to make the time count. Couples have had to learn and practice better communication while locked down just to get through the ever-changing circumstances of this pandemic. In accepting the parameters of a “new normal”, we can find the silver-lining of the past year and thrive.

Will your marriage get back to normal? Or is the key in the conscious creation and acceptance of your new normal?

If you, or anyone you know, needs help navigating your relationship, please reach out. I have various educational and therapeutic programs to fit your needs. I’m happy to help you figure out your “new normal”!