July 5th, 2021 by Mary Kay Cocharo
Were you a rambunctious kid growing up? I know at times I certainly was. I can clearly remember those moments when my parents would send me to my room for a time-out to calm down and reflect on my behavior. I wasn’t allowed to see any of my friends or go out to play. I can still remember the feeling of boredom and loneliness that would overtake me. And even more clearly, I remember the time-in when I was “set free” to re-engage with my favorite friends, toys, and activities! I never appreciated those things precious to me quite so much as I did after they had been briefly taken away.
Fast forward to the past year and a half. The Pandemic, in a sense, sent us all to our rooms. Just like the time-outs of our childhoods, we weren’t able to see our friends or go out to play. For some of us, we felt that familiar boredom and loneliness, separated from our favorite people and activities! And now, we see the light at the end of the Covid tunnel, and we’re finally getting our eagerly anticipated time-in! Will you make the most of it?
In my work with couples, I’ve seen the impact of being locked down—sometimes together, sometimes apart, sometimes with children, sometimes with full-time zoom jobs, sometimes with both. Many couples have struggled to maintain emotional connection despite a lot of physical time together or because of forced separation. Libidos are down; divorce is up.
Now is the perfect time to break out and take a time-in on your relationship. A Couples Retreat offers a powerful, transformational weekend for you and your partner. Here are some tips on what to consider in choosing the right Couples Retreat for your relationship.
First and foremost, choose a competent, experienced Retreat leader.
Look for a therapist who has advanced training in working exclusively with couples. Most Marriage and Family Therapists will see a couple together, but that doesn’t mean that they are trained to do so. Look for certifications beyond the degree and license of the professional.
Remember to ask about the Facilitator’s years of experience. While beginners have enthusiasm, it takes years of experience to become a therapist skilled at expertly handling a crowd and holding a safe space for multiple couples simultaneously.
Ask yourself what you’re dreaming of achieving at a Couples Retreat.
If you have noticed that you’re arguing more than before or have lost that loving feeling, you should consider a Retreat. In a good Couples Retreat, you will have the opportunity to deepen your connection and grow your relationship while relaxing and having fun.
Look for a Couples Retreat that offers support in the form of individual and group learning experiences.
A good Couples Therapist will manage the Retreat so that you have a combination of individualized attention and learning from the group. Look to her to create a safe and intimate setting where everyone has the chance to do their own work and to witness the work of other couples. There should be a lot of support and guidance, usually in the form of trained assistants.
Consider a smaller Couples Retreat to nurture maximum growth and healing.
Retreats are powerful because you have a dedicated period of two days to focus on learning and practicing effective communication tools to resolve conflict and increase empathy for one another. If the Retreat is small and intimate, you will feel safe enough to be vulnerable for maximum growth and healing.
In summary, at a good marriage retreat, you can expect to:
• Learn effective communication skills that will take you deeper into your love and commitment as a couple.
• Resolve conflict that has been getting in your way with one another.
• Remember why you got together in the first place.
• Get positive energy and support from the other couples in the group.
• Receive expert coaching by the Retreat Leader.
• Relax and have fun together in a beautiful and calm setting away from home.
Couples who have taken a time-in on their relationship and participated in a Couples Retreat often say that the experience transformed their relationship. If you choose a well-trained and experienced Therapist, you can expect to learn about yourselves and each other, pick up new communication tools, practice new relationship skills, meet some new people, and feel completely pampered in a beautiful setting. What’s not to love? A good weekend retreat can be worth months of week-to-week counseling and is a nice get-away, as well.
May 25th, 2021 by Mary Kay Cocharo
Exploring the Link Between Positive Mental Health and Happy Relationships
May is National Mental Health Awareness Month. Often, when people think about mental health, they tend to focus solely on mental illness. Mental health does, of course, include anxiety, depression and other diagnoses — but it encompasses much more than that. Positive factors, such as resiliency, curiosity, self-worth and strong supportive relationships are also part of your mental health and can help you cope with adversity and mental illness.
In the same way that we need to attend to our physical health through proper nutrition, exercise, and sleep, our mental health also requires well rounded attention. When we nurture our mental health, we:
• are better able to handle the ups and downs of life,
• recover from set-backs and changes in our lives more quickly,
• sleep better, heal quicker, and live longer.
Without strong positive mental health, we struggle to be healthy and happy.
As a Couples Therapist, I am particularly interested in how our intimate relationships play a part in our personal mental health.
Research shows us that being happily married or in a stable relationship impacts positively on mental health. High marital quality is associated with lower stress and less depression.¹
Some studies have found that negative social interactions and relationships, especially with partners or spouses, increase the risk of depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation, while positive interactions reduce the risk of these issues.²
Some degree of conflict is inevitable in romantic relationships. But for many of the couples I see, the conflict extends beyond day-to-day disagreements into pervasive patterns of negative conflict. This then leaves both partners in a perpetual state of distress or disconnection.
Disconnection is not good for our mental health. Neurobiologists tell us that we are wired for connection. It seems that we humans aren’t built to be alone, isolated or lonely. We want to be seen, acknowledged and bonded to another.
When we experience a close, intimate, healthy relationship with another:
• We feel alive
• We have purpose
• Life has meaning
• We prioritize positive health behaviors
• We experience less stress
• We’re able to process our emotions
• We have increased energy
• We’re able to release tension
All of this leads to positive mental health, less disease and a longer life. So, what elements of a healthy relationship are worth striving for?
Most couples who seek Relationship Counseling state that they want to work on their communication. Typically, their dynamic has become one of mutual triggering where they find themselves having the same argument again and again. Sometimes, they are so hurt and exhausted that they have stopped bringing things up and are locked behind walls of silence and disconnection.
In my experience, it is crucial that couples focus on practices of mutual respect. Respect is foundational for each person to feel safe and loved. Here are some things to incorporate into your relationship to ease tension and deepen connection:
• Deep listening in order to understand
• Removal of negative criticism and contempt
• Taking responsibility rather than being defensive
• Validating the other’s point of view
• Expressing empathy for the other’s feelings
• Supportive words and gestures
• Honoring needs and boundaries
• Acceptance of differences
• Affectionate touch
• Eye gaze
• Humor/Laughter
In order to maximize your mental health, good relationships are key. If you need support to build yours into something more respectful, I am here to help. Through week-to-week sessions, longer Private Intensives and Weekend Couples Retreats, you have options to improve your connection and build the relationship you need, want and deserve.
¹Holt-Lunstad, J., Birmingham, W., & Jones, B.Q. (2008). Is There Something Unique about Marriage? The Relative Impact of Marital Status, Relationship Quality, and Network Social Support on Ambulatory Blood Pressure and Mental Health. Annals of Behavioural Medicine, 35, 239–244.
²Teo, A.R., Choi, H.J., & Valenstein, M. (2013). Social Relationships and Depression: Ten-Year Follow-Up from a Nationally Representative Study. PLOS One, 8(4). Retrieved from journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0062396
February 5th, 2019 by Mary Kay Cocharo
Last week, I had the privilege of being interviewed by a reporter from the Santa Barbara News Press about my Weekend Couples Retreats. One reader wrote in some comments to the Editor. I want to share what he wrote and my response to him. You may be wondering about some of the same things.
“Most marriages are marginal at best”
Well, let’s see what we know. It’s common knowledge that the divorce rate is around 50%. Half of the remaining couples or 50% of 50% don’t divorce, but they settle into a less than satisfying existence.
These people are not really working at their relationship. They stick it out, despite fighting or a lack of connection. They are, indeed, stuck with a marginal marriage.
The other half, of the 50% who stay, are ever awake to the need to nurture their relationship. They learn and practice good communication skills, give caring behaviors and appreciation, resolve conflict and maintain a healthy sex life. John Gottman, Ph.D. , leading research on what makes marriages succeed or fail, calls them Masters, rather than Disasters!
“Many people should not have married in the first place and too many people stay together for too long in a lousy marriage.”
I don’t know about “many” but we certainly all know couples who leave us wondering how they got together in the first place! They seem uniquely unsuited for one another. The truth is that we don’t know exactly why they fell in love. But we have some ideas.
Falling in love is an unconscious process. It often seems that we are bound to experience it with the seemingly most incompatible partners. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., in his bestselling book, Getting the Love You Want, explains that we are drawn to a mate who exhibits both the positive and negative traits of our early childhood caretakers. This is our Imago, or image of what love looks like.
In the Romantic Stage, nature helps us to focus on what’s positive by giving us a healthy dose of chemicals and hormones. Once they wear off, we begin to struggle with one another and the negative or triggering characteristics of our mate emerge. Dr. Hendrix tells us that we get together in order to grow up. That is, to become fully conscious and present to healing one another’s childhood hurts.
Our conflict with one another is our growth trying to happen! We can literally become agents of healing one another if only we learn the tools to move us through our power struggle. When we don’t, we remain stuck and the marriage is headed for divorce, or possibly to a long, boring, marginal existence.
You’re also right that too many people do stay together in these lousy marriages for too long. The average length of time a couple will struggle before seeking help is six years! Retreats such as the upcoming one in Montecito are designed to offer couples a deep, satisfying way to improve their relationship before it’s too late.
You stated that your personal motto is:
“Sometimes you just have to let it go!”
You’re right. Not every couple will decide to stay together in the marriage, even after having done some deep work on the relationship. The decision to divorce is always there. I do recommend, however, that couples ask themselves if the desire to leave the marriage isn’t based on a frustrated and desperate not knowing of what else to do. If a couple truly commits to showing up, being present, learning better communication and strengthening the connection AND still thinks they’re not happy enough, they will just have to let it go.
Having done the work, these couples will be able to let go with more love and compassion leaving each other with more growth and healing than they came into the relationship with. That’s the least you can do. If you heal your issues with your partner, you won’t have to carry them with you into the next relationship!
“The retreat should not be promoted as a place to make new ‘friends’.”
I agree with this one, Ernie. To my knowledge, it’s not being promoted for that. It is true, however, that at every retreat, I see couples bonding and supporting one another in deep and meaningful ways. There’s something transformational about the synergy that gets connected when people are vulnerable in a safe setting. Some couples who meet at the retreat remain connected as friends on the journey.
” I would like to know if there is information on the married couples who attended these retreats. How many are still married? How are their marriages. Any change after the retreat?”
So far, all of the couples who have attended this Retreat are thriving in their relationships. Follow up sessions and contact reveal that they are still using the tools they learned during the weekend. This is key. There is no magic wand. But for those who come with an open mind and open heart, stay present and vulnerable and commit to learning and practicing new skills, the road is hopeful. There are many comments from past participants on my website. Here, I have attached one from a wife whose marriage was on the brink when they showed up last August at the Retreat:
Last weekend, my husband and I had the opportunity to attend Mary Kay Cocharo’s Over the Bridge Retreat for Couples. I would like to share a little bit about our experience in the hopes that what I have to say will motivate another couple to work with Mary Kay in some capacity to bring healing to their relationship.
My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have three beautiful children, ages 5, 9 and 12. We have practiced attachment parenting with all of our children and it is safe to say we were both 100% committed to raising our children and putting all of our love into ensuring that they grow up with all of the support they need but we were failing in our connection and attachment to each other. We were both on the verge of giving up and neither one of us knew how to make things better. No matter how hard we tried, we could not get on the same page.
We desperately needed an experienced guide to help us understand, heal and recover from all of the emotional wounds and misunderstandings that naturally occur in a marriage and for us they had accumulated from over 15 years of not having the right tools to repair our ruptures.
We signed up for the retreat because we knew we needed to make some changes. On the first night of the retreat, we made a vision board of our wildest dreams for our marriage. As we worked together on our board, we noticed that both of us were picking up different magazines but we were on the same page. It was a perfect metaphor for who we were as partners; we were completely different magazines but we were on the same page. We wanted the same things in our lives and in our marriage.
Throughout the course of the weekend, we learned how to resolve our conflicts, listen with compassion, forgive each other, open up emotionally, connect spiritually and most importantly; we learned how to walk across the bridge to one another and get on the same page. Mary Kay and her team of expert guides provided us with an amazing space to heal where we needed to heal and to see each other with fresh eyes as if we were noticing each other for the very first time. They took us on a journey that we could never have gone on by ourselves.
Now we know how to give each other the love that both of us wanted and needed. We received so many practical tools and opportunities for healing the space between us and within us that by the end of the weekend I realized the weekend we had together had been my wildest dream come true!
We are so grateful to Mary Kay and her team…Thanks to them, our children now have parents who are 100% attached to each other. We now know how to truly and unconditionally love each other in the way we always wanted to. Our children and we will have the blessing to continue to grow up in the sacred space we created that weekend. Words alone can’t fully describe the blessings that came forward for us and will now continue forever and ever!
So, while the Retreat may not be for everyone, for those who want a deep dive into what’s possible in their intimate relationship, I welcome you.
I, and my Retreat Assistants, are all highly trained, skilled and enthusiastic practitioners of Relationship Therapy. We don’t promise you miracles, but we do promise you a fun, relaxing and highly beneficial weekend to improve the quality of your intimate relationship.
I hope that this addresses some of your questions and concerns, Ernie. Thank you for your interest.
*Following this letter, Ernie got back to me to clarify what he meant when he stated his motto, “Sometimes you have to just let go”. Whereas I originally thought he meant that you have to let go of the relationship, he informed me that he was stating that it’s good to let go of what’s bothering you about your partner. He let me know that at the age of 84, after 45 years of marriage, he’s learned that not every issue is worth fighting over. I couldn’t agree more! In Dr. Gottman’s research, he’s found that about 70% of conflict in marriage can’t actually be resolved. It’s good to ask, “is this the hill I want to die on today”? Some arguments are simply not worth it.
May 4th, 2018 by Mary Kay Cocharo
You finally convince your husband or wife to go to therapy. He’s resistant but the arguing is more frequent, the sex practically non-existent and the kids are starting to notice that Mommy and Daddy are tense and no fun. You go on-line, ask your friends, or maybe call your clergy looking for a recommendation. There are so many therapists to choose from! At last, you pick someone, drag yourself and your partner to the office and get started. After a few uncomfortable sessions, you look at each other and ask, “Is this helping?”
Does this scenario sound familiar? Couples therapy has a lot of moving parts and sometimes it’s hard to know how it’s going. It’s important to give yourselves four to six sessions before judging it a success or failure. Here are some ways that you’ll know that you’re moving in the right direction:
1) You’re arguing less.
Arguing brings a lot of couples to therapy. Living with someone can stir up differences and most people don’t have enough tools to handle conflict well. Good relationship therapy will teach you research-based skills to get you through the tough times. As a Certified Imago Therapist, I teach couples a process of responsible sharing, deep listening and problem solving. It’s as though your intimate relationship comes with a shelf. Whenever you get into a conflict that you don’t know how to resolve, you panick and stick that issue up on your relationship shelf. By the time you get to therapy, that shelf might be really sagging in the middle! Your therapist can help you to take those issues down and talk about them in a safe, structured way.
2) You’re having more fun.
Clearing the air and resolving issues in therapy will help you to put your energy into enjoying one another again. Many couples tell me that they’re happy to spend time together for the first time in years. It only makes sense that holding on to disappointment and resentment takes energy. Freeing that energy allows you to feel more connected. Connection leads to spontaneity, joy, and laughter.
3) You’re engaging physically.
When we first get together there are hormones and chemicals at work in our brains. Increased levels of dopamine, vasopressin and testosterone make us attracted to each other, affectionate and lust-filled. Over time these hormones and chemicals wear off and our relationship gets routine. Add unresolved conflict, resentment, sadness and anger to that situation, and many couples stop touching. Good couples therapy will address your sexuality and help get you back on track. As you clear the air and start to enjoy being together, you might find yourselves holding hands, kissing and making love more.
4) You’re focusing on the Present and Letting Go of the Past.
Sometimes when couples start to argue, they start with one specific thing and throw in the kitchen sink! When issues are not truly resolved, they tend to come up again and again. Back to that sagging relationship shelf…issues just fall off and hit you in the head when you least expect it. After some good couples therapy, you should notice that you are able to stick with the issue at hand. It’s important to let go of the past, because objects appear larger in the rear view mirror! If there’s a significant hurt, say a breach of trust, you’ll need to explore and understand that in therapy. If done well, it’ll be healed and will stay in the past.
5) You’ll find yourselves acting more loving.
The basis of most therapies is talk. Learning to communicate well is very important but so is behavior. One thing I do with couples in my office is to have them explore their individual languages of love. Once you know what your partner is looking for, you can engage in the loving, caring behaviors that really rock their world. If you find yourself going out of your way to do that something special for your mate, the therapy might be helping. When you behave positively, your partner will most likely reciprocate, forming a positive spiral of loving behaviors.
6) Reverting to old patterns is intolerable.
Once you’ve begun to experience the positive effects of therapy, it feels intolerable to go back to the old patterns. Couples who used to tolerate days of fighting and disconnection, later report feeling terrible after a small spat. That’s because you now know what’s possible. Living in safe, positive, intimate connection is what you’ve longed for. Giving it up, for even a moment, is not okay. The good news is that this realization can help you to get right back to your new learned habits and set the ship straight again.
7) You’re using your new tools at home.
I can’t stress enough how important it is to practice what you’re learning in the therapist’s office between sessions. Like any new tool, you can’t really expect to get good without repetition. Imagine going to a class to learn a foreign language and only speaking in that language for that one hour a week! I ask couples to pull up two chairs, look into each other’s eyes, hold hands and take turns listening to one another at home during the periods when I’m not with them. Good communication is a tool that will only be available in a crisis if it’s at the top of the tool bag. Pope Francis sums it up nicely when he says that communication is something to practice in moments of peace for moments of challenge.
8) You’re more focused on what you’re up to in the relationship.
When couples first come to therapy, I find that they are pretty focused on what their partner is doing wrong. Over time, you should notice a shift toward greater awareness of your own behavior in the relationship. Good couples therapy helps you to identify what you are contributing to your relationship dynamic and to take 100% responsibility. I always say that 50%/50% is a formula used in divorce, while 100%/100% works much better in marriage! What I mean by that is that each of you must take full responsibility for the way you speak, listen, behave and relate. When that happens you change the only thing you really can–yourself!
If at the end of a month or two, you find that you are not significantly progressing in these areas, you might want to have a talk with your therapist. She may have insight as to what’s in the way. Some couples reach a plateau in week-to-week therapy and really benefit from a deeper format, like a Couples Workshop or one of my Weekend Retreats. However you proceed, congratulations on your decision to seek help with your relationship. I wish you much success!
January 7th, 2016 by Mary Kay Cocharo
I saw something interesting on Facebook yesterday, perhaps you saw it too. It was a photo of a sweet little cabin in the snow in the forest somewhere. The post asked the question, “Would you stay in this cabin all alone with enough food and water without a phone, or internet, for one month if you’d be paid $100,000.00 at the end of your stay?”. My immediate response was, “NO WAY!” Now, don’t get me wrong, I like peace and quiet and alone time as much as the next guy…and $100,000.00 is a lot of dough. But we are wired for connection. Now in my 60’s, I want to be around loved ones. I know the power of connection.
I asked a few other people around me what they thought of the cabin offer. My 22 year old son answered, “Definitely.” Of course, at his age, he’d do almost anything for money. I then asked a few older friends and colleagues. People with spouses and children of their own. Not one of them thought it sounded like a good idea.
I started thinking that there’s a reason that the penal system uses solitary confinement as one of its most extreme and cruel punishments. As I said, we are wired for connection.
I could survive in isolation, but I need human connection to fully thrive. In his book, Social, Neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman tells us that our need to connect is as fundamental as our need for food and water. So something is clearly missing for me in the cabin offer and it’s not food or water.
In an interview with Amy Banks, M.D., director of Advanced Training at the Jean Baker Miller Training Institute at the Wellesley Centers for Women, she stated that due to a series of studies and research, neuroscience is confirming that our entire autonomic nervous system wants us to connect with other human beings.
When asked what happens when people are isolated or not connected she answered, “One of the seminal studies in Relational-Cultural Neurobiology is something called SPOT (Social Pain Overlap) Theory. A group of researchers at UCLA, looked at the overlap between social pain and physical pain. They designed a benign computerized experiment that gradually excluded people from a multi-player game. What they found was the area that lit up in the brain for that kind of social rejection, the anterior cingulate, was the exact same area that lights up for the distress of physical pain. So, the distress of social pain is biologically identical to the distress of physical pain.” Being alone in this cabin might actually hurt.
Further, we know that loss of emotional connection can have negative health ramifications. Dr. Dean Ornish, in his book entitled, Love and Survival, worries that we downplay the importance of love and connection in a culture based on the success of the “rugged individual”. For most of us, a month in the woods alone might not be ideal. Or certainly not a year, or a lifetime.
In thinking about human connection, I was reminded of a three-minute video I saw called The Lessons of the Geese. It shows the beauty of geese flying in formation and emphasizes the power of the group and their connection over the individual. I particularly like the line, “we travel on the trust of one another and lift each other up along the way.”
Watch it here. You’ll like it. Even if you, like my son, would definitely enjoy a month in a deserted cabin.
If you are inspired by the connection found in a flock of geese, choose to strengthen your bonds this year. Sign up for my upcoming Over The Bridge workshop. With the exercises and tools you’ll experience in just two-days with me, you’ll be up and flying in no time!
May 17th, 2010 by Mary Kay Cocharo
Couplehood is often a difficult road to travel. But one thing we know, it is a spiritual path that calls us into wholeness and completion as human beings. It is God calling us to our highest selves. We fall in love and get married and then all the unfinished business that we bring into the relationship starts to emerge. Not knowing how to deal with it, we often argue and fight and feel disconnected. But we know we want to stay together, we are committed to each other and in some way we feel unsure of what to do. If so, this series is just for you!
This six week program is an educational adaptation of the book, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. The book has sold over 2 million copies and has been translated into 20 languages.
Deepen Emotional Intimacy