Why the Long Face, Dear?

The holidays provide for perhaps one of the most joyful and yet the most stressful times of the year. The season affords each of us an opportunity to reflect on the special meaning of the holidays whether related to personal relationship, family, or religion.

What are some things with which we must cope during the holiday?

Family quarrels, busy friends, negative media focus, job difficulties, relationship pain, financial stress—all of this can leave you feeling depressed, anxious and alone.

Let’s look at some of the most common holiday stressors:

Family Tensions
We put our responsibilities to family—children, parents, siblings—over all other relationships we maintain. To not do so would run against the fabric of our culture and would be irresponsible.

During the holidays, family commitments increase. We envision how it SHOULD be. Where do those ideas come from? We see perfect happy families in:

Magazines
Movies/TV programs
Commercials
Memories of Better Times

Reality seems to never quite measure up and the difference causes disappointment, hurt, confusion and frustration.
Don’t expect everyone to get along. Just because you’re related doesn’t mean you have to like everyone. If you’d prefer to spend time alone, do it! Or choose friends over family when possible.

Don’t regress to your childhood self. Watch for triggers. Take a time out, go for a walk or just breathe.

Remember to get regular exercise and don’t pick up mindless eating habits. Exercise and healthy eating can affect emotional well-being by relieving stress and raising spirits.

If you’ve experienced the death of someone close to you, the holidays are when memories can come flooding back. Make the holidays meaningful by acknowledging what your loved one meant to you. Don’t try to suppress your feelings. The love you felt for the person is in those feelings.

Loneliness
Conversely, having no family during the holidays can cause great stress and feelings of isolation and loneliness.
In this case, don’t focus on what you think others are doing—go out and do something yourself.

Escape the holiday environment (Walk in the woods, go to a place where the holidays are less prominent.
Volunteer: Go someplace where you are really needed: nursing homes, churches, hospitals etc.
Visit a place of worship or anyplace that brings you meaning and comfort.
Invite a friend you haven’t seen in a while to dinner.
Call an anonymous Hot-Line. Click here for a full listing of where to call.

Relationship Challenges
Because the holidays emphasize togetherness, relationship challenges are particularly difficult this time of year.

If you’re in a shaky relationship, make a pact that you will be gentle with another through the holidays. Give each other the gift of signing up for my couples workshop on Valentine’s day weekend! (Email me for the details! Therapy@mkcocharo.com)

If you’ve recently broken up, don’t dwell on how much more fun you’d be having if you were still together. Don’t troll Facebook and Instagram to compare your sad life with everyone else’s highlight reels!

If you’re tempted to call the Ex, try to remember why you broke up. Own your loneliness. Restarting things during the holidays rarely works and will make you feel worse later on.

Unrealistic Expectations
Aim for a comfortable holiday, not a wonderful one. Forget what you think it’s supposed to look like based on media expectations and commercialism.

Start by entertaining the notion that most of life’s disappointments wouldn’t be nearly as devastating if we kept our expectations more in line with reality.

Think back to a time when something you were reluctant to do turned out to be not so terrible after all—that delicious moment when you thought to yourself: “That wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be.”

This revelation can bring a huge sigh of relief and remind us to hold expectations in check. Anytime we assume the worst, we set ourselves up for misery, even if the reality isn’t all that bad.

Similarly, it can help to be realistic about your chances for a holiday that’s filled with nothing but serenity and happiness (hint: The odds are pretty low). Have you already forgotten about last year’s holiday dinner where everything wasn’t what you had hoped it would be? Have you vowed that this year things will be different? Of course, this wishful thinking assumes that you won’t be exhausted from cooking, cleaning, shopping, wrapping, and attending to all other holiday preparations, and that the people in your life will have new personalities!

Your holiday may not be everything you want it to be. By choosing not to set your expectations unrealistically low or high, but instead allowing events to unfold however they do, you can help to eliminate the pain of disappointment from your holiday season. It will also help to cultivate a sense of humor and learn to laugh off all the less than perfect moments.

My advice to you is to take a deep inventory of your relationship to the various aspects of the holiday season. Ask yourself,

What do I like least about the holidays? Give yourself permission to let it go.
What do I like best about the holidays? Make the time and energy to do those things.
Consider yourself before setting out to tackle others agendas.
I also want to encourage you to choose deliberate self care:
*Take time out daily to focus on serenity.
*Be good to your body: limit food, sweets, alcohol. Get exercise. Burn it off.
*Meditate, pray or employ relaxation techniques daily.
*Look for the Good: Make a gratitude list or keep a journal of everything you’re grateful for.

The Science of Happiness has shown that gratitude is your key to unlocking happiness and inner peace.

Gratitude is being aware of and appreciating good things that happen and taking the time to express thanks. Praise and thanksgiving are an elevated form of prayer. It benefits your outlook, your attitude toward others, your mood, your health, your relationships and your work. A gratitude-filled approach to life has the potential to enhance your general well-being both this holiday season and all year long.

To make a daily gratitude list, take a piece of paper and divide it into four squares. In the top left corner, record 10 things that you’re grateful for. These can be large or small things. Example: I’m grateful that I had a hot shower, I’m grateful that my father is still alive, I’m grateful for my friends who love and support me in good times and bad, etc.

In the top right corner, list three things that are challenging to you. Record situations, people or any other obstacle in your way. Now write down what you’re learning from these challenges.

In the bottom left corner of your page, list five people you’re thankful for, including family, friends, colleagues or strangers who have made your life a little easier or happier.

Finally, in the bottom right hand corner of your page, record the best part of your day. Focus on this blessing before going to sleep. This is a sure-fire way to get a better night’s sleep and to wake up refreshed and eager to live another day.

The beauty of keeping a gratitude list or journal is that it trains your mind to start looking for what’s positive throughout the day.

Create New Memories
Make this the year to lay the foundation for many holidays to come. So think about new ways to celebrate, new places to visit, new foods to prepare. By creating a fresh set of traditions you will be giving yourself and your children something to look forward to.

By replacing old memories with the new, you can make the holidays special again.

Commit to Staying Conscious
We can accept or reject our causes of stress. Our choices are reflections of who we are as people. We can control our experiences of the holidays, or they can control us!

Go out and create a miracle for yourselves this holiday season! See you in the New Year…