What’s The Deal With Porn?

I see a lot of couples for Premarital Counseling. One of the standardized instruments I use to help them assess their relationship before marriage recently added three questions. They focus on pornography, the use of internet sites and your partner’s comfort with your online relationships. Interesting additions.

I am pleased that the writers of this particular inventory were attempting to move into the 21st century. Indeed, thanks to the availability of the internet, there is now a whole generation who grew up with access to explicit sexual videos, chat rooms and hook-up sites. More and more young males are reporting sexual difficulties with their real-life partners who simply cannot compete with the dopamine high that happens with the limitless, free and fast stimulation of the internet.

Boys of my generation, approximately 5.6 million in 1975, kept a Playboy magazine under the bed. They’d open it up to a few sexy images of a still photograph and do what boys often do when looking at nude women. That was  a titillating thing to do in secret…delivering just enough stimulation to fuel an orgasm or two. Recently, Playboy announced that it was unable to compete with the internet and would no longer publish nude photographs.

Today, more than 100 million people in the U.S. alone visit online porn sites monthly. You can literally open dozens of windows and see, not just still photos, but people engaging in a variety of sexual acts. This novelty produces high levels of dopamine in the brain, causing the user to seek more and more to become sexually aroused. For some, they experience erectile dysfunction and disinterest when with the women they love, sparking a myriad of relational problems.

An article in Time Magazine, April 11, 2016, outlines various programs that young men are launching to push back. They have created online community support groups, educational videos, blogs and podcasts to help men quit porn and rewire their brains. None of them are advocating an end to porn, even if that were possible. Rather, they are providing a counter-narrative that teaches young people the potential harmful side effects to the brain and to the ability to experience pleasure in long-term committed relationships.

One of the questions on the premarital inventory asks, “Do you think porn is harmful to marriage?” I believe this is not a question that can be answered with “yes” or “no”. Rather, the answer is “maybe, it depends”. Like a glass of wine, porn can be used by couples to enhance and enliven their sexual relationship. It’s important to distinguish between what’s recreational and what’s becoming problematic. Wine can become alcoholism to some and porn can lead to sex addiction.

Awareness of When the Healthy Becomes the Unhealthy

Like other addictions, porn and sex addiction are difficult to address until one accepts that there’s a problem and that takes awareness of how your behavior may be affecting your everyday life.

Sadly, it’s often a major event that signals to an addict that it may be time to seek help such as a breakup over an affair or a health crisis. So, learning about various types of sexual addiction becomes key.

Dr. Patrick Carnes, a noted sex addiction expert and author of “Don’t Call It Sex” outlines a number of problematic sexual behaviors that can indicate addiction:

• Fantasy sex involves an obsession with a fantasy sex life that’s so overwhelming that one stops having genuinely love sexual relationships.
• Seductive sex involves manipulating and charming others into numerous sexual relationships and affairs.
• Anonymous sex involves feeling aroused by strangers to the exclusion of forming personal relationships.
• Paying for sex and trading for sex are two forms of business arrangements that preclude an emotionally healthy sexual relationship.
• Voyeuristic sex involves becoming aroused by watching other people have sex through pornography or secretly watching people have sex.
• Exhibitionistic sex involves flashing parts of ones body in public, posing for photos or having sex where other people can see the sex taking place for the purpose of causing shock or disapproval.
• Intrusive sex and exploitive sex involve touching others sexually without their permission; often in relationships in which one person has authority over another.
• Pain exchange sex or S & M involves associating pain with sexual pleasure

Awareness of Behavior & Triggers

Awareness of our motivation to perform certain behaviors is key, particularly when faced with an addiction.

Identifying those triggers that precede our behavior then, is the first step to determining our motivation.

• When do we engage in this certain behavior?
• When we are vulnerable or feeling unloved or unappreciated by someone significant in our lives?
• Is it when we are feeling “blue” or as if we “deserve” to act a certain way because, well, life is just too short not to do what we want?

A thoughtful analysis of the triggers that precede a troubling behavior is an important step to bringing awareness and clarity to the behavior itself and allows you define what you do want.

For instance, in the case of sexual addiction, the underlying goal is most probably the desire to be connected at a level which is satisfying both emotionally and sexually. You might be longing for a  relationship in which you feel accepted for who you are and what you desire. Becoming clear of this underlying goal will help you to determine if your current sexual acting out behavior is likely to get you there.

Mindfulness to New Behavior

If insight and awareness into how your behavior may be contributing to an addiction is the first step, then mindfulness to a new set of habits and behaviors, including the visualization of a goal, can be considered a critical second step.

Mindfulness can take many forms including:

• Education about what constitutes a healthy sexual relationship
• Individual counseling and/or marriage and family therapy
• A support system like Sex Addicts Anonymous
• Confiding in those close to you who care about your success
• Following religiously, the repetitive tasks that you’ll determine are necessary for success, even in the face of everyday struggles

If you’re experiencing sexual behavior that’s difficult to stop or that you’re keeping a secret from others, or if you’re using certain behaviors to numb yourself from feelings of discomfort or to avoid responsibilities, there is help.

Having the courage to talk to your partner about these behaviors will help the two of you to work on the solution together. Secrecy and hiding leads to feelings of betrayal and trauma in your partner and must be addressed to strengthen your relationship. Porn and sex addiction rarely “just go away” on their own so don’t be afraid to talk about what’s going on.

Developing respect for yourself and others and creating a healthy, loving sexual relationship are critical to your self-esteem and happiness and are absolutely attainable!