Please Don’t Try to Fix It!

“If I had a nickel for all the times…”  You know that expression, right? Well, if I had a nickel for all of the times I have heard women tell their men “please don’t try to fix it”, I’d be writing this blog from my yacht in the Mediterranean!

It seems that when a man really loves his woman he takes to heart the idea that his role is to both provide for her and to protect her. Along with this conviction, comes the idea that he is also in charge of her happiness.

Women, even relatively happy ones, like to talk to sort out their feelings. They tell men about their struggles, their frustrations and their complaints as a way to feel close to them emotionally.

Some men hear his woman has a problem and, because he wants to take care of her, he jumps to solutions. Men are usually baffled when this “help” is not well received!

Women frequently feel frustrated by this jump to fixing the problem, because they were never looking for a solution. They were simply “sharing” for the sake of intimacy. In fact, they often report feeling insulted by the advice as if they couldn’t solve it if they wanted to.

Men then ask, “why wouldn’t you want to solve a problem if you had one?”  This is a fairly universal miscommunication and one easily resolved once both the man and the woman understand each other’s motives.

So, gentlemen, next time your woman starts sharing a problem with you, take a deep breath, look into her eyes and listen.  Repeat back what you’ve heard her say and ask, “did I get you”? Invite her to go deeper by saying, “tell me more”.  Try a few words of empathy for her predicament. “That sounds hard”.

As you stay with her, offering no solutions, you’ll most likely see her calm as she internalizes your care and understanding. Only then, can you venture to ask that question you’re dying to pose “Is there anything I can do”?  

Watch this hysterical video clip for a fun way to remember what’s at play: