Learn to Turn Towards Each Other

In my last blog post, I talked about how couples can “stop the fighting”. I explained how arguing comes from emotional reactivity and how you can learn to slow it down and WAIT (Why am I talking?) until the smart part of the brain comes back on-line so that you can hear one another and use your creativity to find solutions to disagreements.

Another important tool is embedded in the exploration of what causes fights in the first place. John Gottman, PhD., a leading marriage researcher and author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, has outlined the importance of Emotional Bids. What is an emotional bid? It’s when your partner reaches out with words or a gesture in the hopes of creating, increasing, maintaining or re-establishing connection between you. What matters, Gottman suggests, is not depth of intimacy in conversation, or even agreement or disagreement, but rather how people pay attention to each other’s bids for attention.

It appears that there are three basic ways to respond: towards, away or against the bid.

Let’s say for example, that you come home from work having stopped at the grocery store and you say to your partner, “I bought us some groceries”.

Turning away would be if he didn’t look up from the computer screen to acknowledge you or possibly if he said, “have you seen my keys?”, thus ignoring your bid to connect.

Turning against would be if he were to say, “It’s about time, we’ve had nothing to eat for a week!”, using the opening as an opportunity to express stored anger or resentment .

You can see how turning away or turning against could result in you reacting with either hurt or anger. A much better response is when we turn towards our partner’s bids. In our grocery example, that would sound something like, “Great! Thanks for doing that” or a simple smile or hug.

The real problem with consistently turning away or against our partner’s bids is that the other will eventually give up and stop making them. Having our bids for emotional connection rejected or ignored results in our being afraid to make further bids leading to attacking or withdrawing, in turn. After a time, a couple can find themselves in a downward spiral of withdraw/attack leaving both hurt, angry, confused and lonely.

I recommend that you sit down with your partner and take an honest inventory of how well you turn toward one another’s bids. The first step is to develop awareness and presence in the relationship so that you can be better at noticing when the other is trying to get your attention. Make a commitment to turn towards one another as much as possible, saving conversations about frustrations and resentments for another time. If you find that you have turned away or against, it helps to go back and make a repair. It’s never too late to say, “You know, I was really distracted when you came in earlier. I want you to know that I appreciate your going to the store after your long day.”