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It’s a familiar situation. A couple arrives at my office for an appointment. As a licensed Marriage Therapist, I prepare myself to hear how I might help them. They explain that they’ve been married for a number of years and have three young children, but have been separated for some time after an affair. They don’t know whether or not they want to be married, but they definitely do not want to divorce! They consider reconciliation, but the romance is gone. They care about each other but no longer feel as if they are in love. They want to do what’s best for their children. “We do not want to be divorced” they repeat.

My focus as a Marriage Therapist has traditionally been to help couples heal past issues, reconnect and find joy and satisfaction together. Over the years, I’ve written many articles about what couples can do to nurture their relationship and strengthen their bond. I’ve written parenting articles and looked at today’s marriage expectations.

The expectations of marriage have changed significantly over time:

Pre-1850; Institutional Marriage: Until around 1850, the marital union was based on the need to help each other with food production, shelter, and protection.

1850 – 1965; Companionate Marriage: After a shift from rural to urban life, American marriages focused more on intimate needs like loving, being loved, and an active sexual life.

1965 – Present; Self-Expressive Marriage: Today, we look to marriage increasingly for self-discovery, self-esteem, and personal growth. And while satisfying these higher-level needs yields greater happiness, it also requires more time, energy, and work to get there. Unfortunately, average Americans are investing less in their intimate relationships–to the detriment of these relationships – which end about half the time.

Our couple above expects a lot from their marriage. They want it all. But she admits that she doesn’t really love him anymore and he can’t forgive her infidelity. They’re friends, and they’re good co-parents, but they’re not able to be a true couple anymore in the traditional sense. They feel guilty and sad and they desperately don’t want to hurt the kids. They wring their hands and ask, “Should we stay, or should we go?”

I ask them, “What if there was a way to both stay and go?”

Recently, I had the privilege of training with a colleague named Susan Gadoua. Susan is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Northern California. She is an author and her latest co-authored book is entitled The New I Do. In it she, and journalist Vicky Larson, outline various creative alternatives to traditional marriage. One such variation is called the Parenting Marriage. This is an intriguing new structure for couples with children who want a divorce but are staying for the children. It is frequently the least bad option.

In a Traditional Marriage, the relationship is emotion-based, romantic, and focused on the couple. Parenting Marriage shifts the focus to the children and is purpose-based and practical. Parents can choose to live separately, in the same house, or in different houses. They are assisted to work through Susan’s Parenting Marriage workbook, filling out forms that help them to make agreements and set up a structure for the arrangement. For example, couples are aided in setting Parenting Goals, creating a Time Line, and designing a Parenting Marriage Agreement.

The purpose of a Parenting Marriage is to allow couples to feel good about continuing to rear their children together in a stable, two-parent home. It gives them a sense of freedom while maintaining access to resources. It provides better financial well-being and eliminates the pain of missing their children when in the other’s custody.

The advantage of a Parenting Marriage for children is living with parents who are present, stable, get along better, and provide a healthy role model for a good relationship. In today’s world, our youth are confronted with many diverse models for gender, sexuality, relationships, and family constellation. Parenting Marriage shows them that there are healthy alternatives to Traditional Marriage, which we know statistically fails half of the time.

Susan points out that there are some essential keys to a Parenting Marriage and that it may not be for everyone. If you think it might be for you, ask yourself these questions:

• Are we good Co-Parents or are we willing to get the help needed to become them? In other words, do we have shared goals, shared parenting styles, and can we offer a united front?
• Do we have a good enough relationship? This includes good communication, mutual respect, kindness, caring, and a willingness to give and take.
• Can we accept that the relationship is over and be friends?
• Are we willing to hire the right professionals early on? This will include attorneys if needed, financial planners, and therapists.
• Do we trust each other and agree on the new terms of the marriage? In other words, can we trust that our agreements will be followed by the other, and are we willing to negotiate and compromise?
• Do we care what others think to the point that their opinions will erode our courage?

I think about all of the couples I know, both personally and professionally, who are living in a Parenting Marriage by default. Susan’s work gives us a way for those couples to actually design that marriage with intention. Although she states that it’s clearly not a one size fits all type of solution, for many couples it allows them to find relief from trying to revive a dead marriage and gives them the satisfaction of keeping life stable for their children. Looking at the research on how divorce impacts children, it seems fairly clear that parental conflict is what hurts kids the most. (See Constance Ahrons and Paul Amato) Parenting Marriage can offer a solution to the disruption of divorce.

This new alternative allows parents to stay together in a stable pattern to rear their children while enjoying the freedom of their individual lives. Once the Parenting Marriage is arranged, couples will want to spell out the new rules for dating and being with others. Sometimes, like my client couples above, people need time to grieve the traditional marriage. They may need to separate for a few months or more and then come back to the Parenting Marriage. Again, no one size fits all, but the model is fluid and flexible to meet each couple where they are.

There is really no downside to trying a Parenting Marriage if you are ambivalent about staying or going. Some couples find themselves working back into a traditional marriage, some stay in the Parenting Marriage until the children launch and beyond, and some find themselves ready to divorce after a time. What’s evident is that with this kind of negotiating and planning, people tend to be less stressed out, fight less, and come together for their children. This is not a linear process but rather one that ebbs and flows with the needs of the family.

In reality, Parenting Marriage is an out-of-the-box alternative when neither staying in a dead Traditional Marriage nor divorcing seems right. It’s not for everyone but can work when both parents are willing and able to agree to its terms. It allows parents time to decide what to do when ambivalent, saves money, preserves the stability of the family unit, and maintains a strong co-parenting relationship.

Please reach out if you’d like to hear more about exploring the option of a Parenting Marriage.
I’d be happy to help you assess if it’s right for you.

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Mother

Noun: A woman in relation to her child or children

Verb: To bring up a child with care and affection: To look after kindly and protectively, sometimes excessively so. To give birth to.
Informal
An extreme example or very large specimen of something.

In May we celebrate Mother’s Day. The word Mother seems to me much more complicated than the above definition that I found in the dictionary. I am a woman in relation to my children and also to my stepchildren. I am a Grandmother in relation to my only grandchild. I’ve brought up children with care and affection. I’ve looked after them kindly and protectively, sometimes excessively so. I’ve given birth to some of them, acquired others through marriage. But there’s more.

I also have a Mother. Two actually. There was the Mother that brought me up with care and affection. She was the one that looked after me kindly and protectively, but not excessively so. She did not give birth to me.

Then there was the one who did give birth to me. I did not know her. She did not bring me up, nor did she look after me kindly. She left me with the nuns at Catholic Charities right after my birth. I spent my life wondering who she was, searching for the details of my adoption at six months and imagining our meeting one day.

My adoption was a story of rejection and abandonment

For me, as for many of the adoptees I’ve met, my adoption was a story of rejection and abandonment. Why was I left? Why didn’t my Mother want to keep me? Why didn’t I ever feel really bonded with the Mother who reared me? Who do I look like? Do I have other siblings? Who is my Father? The unanswerable questions. Why would my own Mother reject me? Abandon me?

I don’t like rejection. I’ve suffered mightily when friends have made plans without me. When lovers have rolled over and gone to sleep before me. When I’ve been passed over for any reason. It’s been easy to trigger deep feelings of worthlessness and not belonging in me. I’ve worked hard to heal these wounds and for the most part, I have. It always takes me by surprise when something small wounds me deeply. It’s eye opening when the present moment triggers the pain of the past.

After many years of searching for my birth Mother, I gave up. My adoptive Mother passed away and I resigned myself to being a Motherless Daughter. I have my own children. I know who I look like now. I turned my attention to being a full presence in the life of those I mother. Even now, I’m writing from one of my daughter’s homes where I’m fully enjoying being a Grandmother.

And yet…in May it’s still hard to look at the Mother’s Day cards in the stores and know there’s no one waiting for me to send one. Sometimes I send one to the Wife of the only Father I’ve ever known. But she is not my Mother. I also send flowers to my Aunt who has looked after me kindly throughout my life. At 93, she is still a good Mother figure to me. But she is not really my Mother.

A few years ago, I sent my saliva to 23 and Me for heredity information. Not knowing these kinds of things is one of the hard things about closed adoptions. They verified that I am, indeed, mostly of Italian descent. They also found some possible genetic matches with some sixth cousins. I asked them to stop sending me emails until they found a sibling or a parent with a genetic match. Knowing I had sixth cousins was just confusing and unhelpful.

A few months ago, they sent me a different email. This time it was from a woman in New York who had matched as a half sibling. She and her sister share half of their DNA with me. We had the same Mother. The Mother who did not look after me kindly.  As the story unfolds, it seems that, although she kept my sisters, she did not look after them kindly or protectively. She gave birth but did not bring them up with care or affection.

My narrative turned into a story of grace and redemption

And just like that, my narrative of rejection and abandonment turned into a story of grace and redemption. I was the “lucky one” my sister said. I was the one that got both parts of the definition. It took two women—one to give birth and one to nurture and provide love, but I got both. Lucky, indeed.

As I’ve learned the story of my birth Mother’s life, I have compassion for her and the decisions she made. I don’t blame her. I’m no longer curious and I’m at peace. I have two sisters and I have a new story. That’s good. All good.

I will not be sending any Mother’s Day cards this year. My Mothers have both passed. Instead, I’m going to focus on being the Mother this year—the Mother of all Mothers. (see Informal definition above).

I’m going to thank my children, my stepchildren, my students and my lovely Interns for allowing me to mother them. I’m going to revel in the mothering energy that I’ve received from so many strong and powerful women and even a few men. I’m going to celebrate being Mémé to my precious granddaughter in France.  And I’m going to be at peace. Finally.

Happy Mother’s Day.

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“My son wants to live with his Dad; what do I do?”

Suddenly the joint custody arrangement you shared with your ex-husband no longer meets your
child’s needs – at least in his mind – and he has made the decision that he’d like to live with his
father full time.

While to your son this may seem a logical request, to you, it signals the end of a relationship and
the closeness you once shared – and you may even be taken aback at the emotions you’re
feeling and unsure where to turn.

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