Upon meeting them I asked them to describe what it would look like if we were to be successful working together. Paul described that they would be “like they used to be”: they would be fighting less, having more fun and she would stop being so critical and angry. Jane said that she would feel more loved, have more attention and feel special. She blurted out, “Paul would act more married to me than he does to our dog, Fluffy”!

I led them through a guided meditation where they were able to reconnect to their positive memories of having met and fallen in love. I then had them express some appreciation for one another. They left, holding hands and eager to get started in therapy.

During the second session, each reported that they had experienced “a better week”. In this session, I taught them to express their frustrations with one another by using a structured dialogue process. I coached them to listen deeply to the other, mirror what theyʼd heard, validate their partnerʼs position and empathize with their feelings.

In this way, they were able to stop the escalating pattern of argumentation and really begin to understand each otherʼs worlds.

Over the course of the next 6 weeks, their communication improved and their affection for one another seemed to increase. They reported less fighting and a renewed commitment to one another. Then, on the 7th session, they came in with a crisis. Jane was enraged and unable to look at Paul. I asked him to listen carefully as she talked about her anger at him and I mirrored her words. It seemed that Fluffy had recently broken her leg and was needing more attention. Paul had gone back to his previous level of attachment and caretaking of her and Jane was feeling neglected again. She noted that he had taken off work to be with the dog (although he had refused to take the day off work to celebrate her birthday), that he was being overly affectionate and loving to the dog (whereby he was frequently unavailable and cold to her) and that he had even moved out of their bedroom to sleep with Fluffy in the guest room!

As I listened to her words and empathized with her feelings, her anger began to soften and the underlying hurt and fear came out. At this point, I asked if it would be okay for Paul to hold her. Safe in his arms, I asked her to tell him about how this situation with the dog reminded her of other times in her life when she had felt neglected and replaced. She sobbingly recounted for him the story of how her father had left her mother and abandoned her when she was young. He held her and comforted her and she relaxed.

In the weeks to come, Paul and Jane were able to continue expressing their needs in the safety of the dialogue process. Both began to see how their individual behaviors were triggering old pain and defensive reactions in the other. Jane became aware that Paul withdrew and “got cold” when he sensed her anger or displeasure. He was able to trace this back to his childhood and the way he learned to protect himself from his motherʼs potent rage. Paul was able to see how his ignoring Jane and lavishing love on Fluffy caused Jane to feel neglected and replaced. Together they engaged in healing one another in safe dialogue and empathy.

After several months, this couple moved to coming in about once per month. They report feeling “in love” again and more conscious about their relationship. They still argue once in a while, but have the tools to bring it back around quickly to a safer dialogue. Both are loving and taking care of Fluffy and Jane no longer feels that sheʼs in competition with her. Recently, Jane and Paul told me that they might just be ready to start a family….uhhh, with a human baby, that is.

“Couple Celebrates 80 Years of Marriage!”

Just a sensational headline? Incredibly, no!

The latest in a number of marriages highlighted in the news over the past year tell the remarkable story of Mitchell and Mattie Atkins of West Philadelphia.

Married on January 14th, 1930, they were honored recently by family and friends at an anniversary party celebrating an incredibly rare 80 years together.

Mr. and Mrs. Atkins join a very small but extraordinary group of other couples who have celebrated an 80 year wedding anniversary. What are the secrets these amazing unions hold for us? Is it possible for love to last a lifetime?

Bill and Marie Decaro held the distinction of being the longest married couple in America on June 19th, 2009 when they celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary. When interviewed, they both said that laughter helps make every day special.

As does good communication, it appears: “We don’t believe in getting mad at each other, we express ourselves, but that’s the extent of it,” Mr. Decaro said.

In Britain, Walter and Beatrice Postings, married on March 27th, 1929, related the following in an interview at their anniversary party: “It’s all about give and take”. Mrs. Postings is even more succinct saying, “I just love him and that’s it.”

They still hold hands on their frequent walks and when enjoying each other’s company in the lounge at the residence home in which they live.

Is love destined to fade? Clearly, the answer is no. But there are things we can learn from those who have formed such a deep and lasting connection.

It’s Mr. Atkins who reveals many of the “secrets” that we as therapists know and impart to our clients. Let me share three of the most important with you now:

Secret #1
 Don’t Deny the Power of Chemistry!

“She was the prettiest thing in the whole world,” said Mr. Atkins, 97. “And she’s still the loveliest, he said. “I fell for her right away, the first time I saw her. I liked the way she dressed and her hair. She was active. She was energetic.”

Ah, the power of attraction is chemistry; it sets the relationship in motion and as Mr. Atkins so movingly relates, it can last a lifetime!

Romantic love, symbolized in art, song, literature – and movies (!) as “Cupid’s Arrow” and “Love Potion #9”, is actually chemistry between lovers.

Endorphins, the “feel good” hormones, are responsible for that first rush of excitement and pleasure. Known as the romantic love stage, this is the initial time chemistry is felt between the couple.

Once the relationship deepens, Oxytocin, a hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter, known as the “cuddle hormone” is released helping form a bond and increased level of attachment to one another.

Derived from the Greek for “swift birth”, Oxytocin was most commonly known for its effect in three areas: 1) the stimulation of breast milk; 2) the stimulation of uterine contractions during childbirth; and 3) maternal bonding.

In fact, recent research shows that Oxytocin has a great deal of effect on our social behavior as well. Produced by both males and females, Oxytocin has the added benefit of producing feelings of security and contentment. It’s responsible for our feelings of calm and connection with our lover and is key to bonding.

Interestingly, Oxytocin is unique in that the more that is released, the better the feelings and feedback, and these feelings in turn release more Oxytocin.

So, is there a natural ebb and flow to romantic love?

Well, with every positive – a negative is possible. Research also shows us that acute stress inhibits the release of Oxytocin and does affect various feelings like empathy, trust and generosity, threatening the bond we’ve developed.

However, this awareness provides us with the opportunity to stave off stress, and further deepen our bond because the theory is, once Oxytocin is released, one need only see one’s partner to release more Oxytocin. Its release is responsible for that warm feeling you get, just seeing your partner walk toward you with his or her special smile and gaze meant especially for you.

Thus, the cycle is set in motion. As more Oxytocin is released, feelings become more intense and subsequently more Oxytocin is released and so on until – bonding deepens!

Secret #2 
Appreciate Each Other, Every Single Day

Every time Mr. Atkins saw his wife, he had a present for her; and every Friday a florist delivered a dozen rosebuds to her.

“You have to have a habit of doing things like that,” Mr. Atkins explains.

Mr. Atkins knew instinctively the key to developing and maintaining a true connection with his beloved wife Mattie: that couples should appreciate each other, every single day.

Along with actions such as establishing a regular date night for just the two of you, provide positive, verbal appreciation to your partner daily.

A particularly effective way to show this is by saying, “I appreciate when you ________________ because it makes me feel ____________________.

Take the time to thoughtfully consider how you would fill in the sentence so that it truly expresses the uniqueness of your partner and his or her place in your life and relationship.

Secret #3 
Seek Help When Necessary

Romantic love does ebb and flow but as we see, using what we know of chemistry and its role in our feelings of bonding and connection, it’s in our control to help it flow the way that we want.

Keeping the romance within a relationship isn’t always simple; we’re all pulled in a dozen different directions each day.
It is possible though to learn to affair-proof your marriage (a tip: if you find yourself attracted to someone else, consider it a wake-up call!), learn communications skills, develop tools to resolve conflict, create intimacy and passion, and much more.

And if you’re just starting out on the fantastic journey that’s marriage, consider pre-marital therapy. A wedding is exciting, no doubt, but it’s also a time ripe for conflict.

As a wedding present to yourselves seek help with a therapist specializing in pre-marital therapy who can help you with complex relationship issues like lifestyle expectations, personal issues and habits, problem solving, religion and values, sexuality, finances, and more.

“Love, Love, Love Each Other …”

Lastly, no matter whether you’ve been married a month, a year, or a decade, keep in mind perhaps the most eloquent words spoken by Mattie at the end of their anniversary party: “Love, love, love each other. It’s beautiful – beautiful to be old and still be in love at our age.”