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As a Marriage Therapist, couples come to see me with a wide array of goals. Generally, they want to resolve their conflicts, stop fighting, get better connected, and well…be happier!

I don’t have a Happiness Magic Wand, but I have gathered some information about how to help over the years. Below are seven components that will get you on your way toward a happier, intimate relationship with your beloved.

1) Practice Good Communication

This is the bread and butter of couple’s therapy. Most of us know that we need to get better at communicating with our partners. Typically, couples are locked in a dysfunctional pattern where they are triggering one another’s defenses, and nobody feels heard. A common complaint is that one partner shuts down and refuses to communicate and the other expands their energy getting louder and louder. Eventually, the whole system breaks down, leaving both with frustration, pain, and a sense of hopelessness about how to resolve their differences.

Couples learn how to slow down in my office and at my retreats. They learn to listen to one another with a deeper understanding of where the other is coming from. I help them to develop a culture of acceptance and empathy between them. Validation is the conveyed message that your partner makes sense to you. It doesn’t mean that you have to agree. Rather, it means that you’re in their world listening to understand. This is healing and typically makes us feel closer.

In his research, Dr. John Gottman found that successful couples eliminate “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” when communicating. These include criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, or refusing to talk about things. Instead, he recommends that you replace criticism with a gentle start-up. An example would be, “honey, something is bothering me. Do you have a minute to listen to what I need to feel better?” Defensiveness is replaced with taking responsibility. Contempt is replaced with a focus on gratitude and appreciation in the relationship. Stonewalling can be thwarted when both individuals learn to self-soothe, rather than recklessly allowing reactivity into their relationship. This might include meditation, journaling, walks, or breathing exercises.

2) Connect at the Four Critical Moments of Each Day

Also, from Dr. Gottman’s research comes the value of paying attention to each other whenever the two of you are coming or going. This includes when you wake up in the morning, when leaving for the activities of the day, when you return to one another, and before going to sleep at night. This connection can include eye contact, kind words, 20-second hugs, and six-second kisses. How many of us are guilty of passing one another like ships in the night? True, meaningful connection at key moments can make all the difference in your levels of happiness with one another.

3) Focus your Attention

We live in a frenzied world. Technology grabs our attention in the form of our phones, social media, TV, and emails. We have busy jobs, demanding children, and need to work out! No wonder we don’t give one another enough focused attention. And yet, most of us would feel happier if our partners would prioritize our relationship with them a bit. I coach couples to pull up two chairs and gaze fondly into each other’s eyes for about five minutes. In this position, you can hold hands and breathe deeply without any distractions. Schedule time together. Date nights are commonly known to be important for a couple, but I also recommend scheduling sex if it’s the only way you get around to paying attention to that part of your relationship. What, schedule time for sex? Yes, scheduling a sex date can help you to prioritize your time together and give you something to look forward to!

4) Give Surprises

Esther Perel, Psychotherapist and Bestselling Author, tells us that novel experiences promote the release of dopamine in the brain. Without dopamine, we get bored and unhappy. Surprising one another is exciting and romantic. You can create a surprise by sending cards, offering unexpected gifts, planning outings, or doing an act of service that the other wasn’t expecting.
These can be little, daily things. You don’t need to plan a 100-person birthday party or whisk your partner to Paris for the weekend. Start simple and watch for how your partner responds.
I’m willing to bet that they’ll be pleasantly surprised and feel happy that you thought of them.

5) Express Appreciation and Gratitude

You literally cannot express too much appreciation and gratitude to your partner. Sharing daily appreciation builds goodwill and trains your brain to override our natural negative bias.
You see, we are fundamentally wired for survival. Looking for the negative and scanning for problems helps us to avoid danger and to survive. Survival is an individual pursuit. Being happy in our primary relationships requires going from surviving to thriving. One way to thrive as a couple is to consciously introduce the expression of gratitude.

When appreciating your partner, make it a three-step process: 1) what you appreciate, 2) what it means to you, and 3) how it makes you feel. For example, rather than “thanks for loading the dishwasher” you could say, “I appreciate that you loaded the dishwasher. It shows me that you recognize how busy I’ve been this week with work. It made me feel supported”. Make it a daily habit to express at least one appreciation in this format. Wouldn’t it be nice to end your day together hearing what you did right?

Another, longer exercise for expressing gratitude is the Four-Minute Monthly Ritual. Sit across from one another close enough to hold hands. Set a timer for four minutes. While gazing into each other’s eyes, one partner showers the other with all that they are grateful for about them. This can be about how they look, personality traits, values, behaviors, or anything else that makes your life better. At the end of four minutes, the listener says the two things they liked hearing the best. Then switch places and do it again. This ritual can be set on your smartphone as a monthly occurrence. This is bound to make you feel happier. When you get in the habit of looking for what you appreciate, you begin to see it more often and clearly.

6) Engage in Affection and Sensual Touch

Touch is one of the things that distinguishes romantic partners from roommates. Some of us grew up in households with parents who hugged and kissed each other and us. Others not so much. If reaching out to touch your partner is challenging, this is an area to approach slowly.
Try just sitting on the couch together while watching television with just one part of you in contact with the other. This can be holding hands or just sitting close enough so that your thighs or shoulders touch. Research shows that when we graduate to kissing and hugging, we release the bonding hormone, oxytocin. Affection shows us that we are loved and that makes us happier.

Sensual touch is a bit more than affection. It involves exploring your partner’s body including the head and neck, chest, belly, back, buttocks, arms, hands, legs, and feet. It can be about bonding, showing care, and relaxing. It builds physical intimacy and is often a precursor to sexual interaction.

Affectionate and sensual touch also confer physiological benefits. In one study, partners were found to have lower levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, on days when they enjoyed higher levels of physical touch like hand holding or hugging.

7) Manage Relational Leaks

Imagine drawing the two of you as overlapping circles. Then draw a larger oval around these two circles representing you. The larger oval is the boundary of your relationship. It’s what holds the energy between you. In a loving relationship, we have the opportunity to ask ourselves “where am I going to put my energy”?

There are many reasons why we might choose not to engage with our partner about something, and at those times we find ways to turn away from the relationship and put our energy into something else. The something else could be shopping, the computer, alcohol, drugs, social media, or even excessive time with family or friends. We call those places where we put our attention and our energy elsewhere to avoid difficult feelings in our relationship, “Relational Energy Leaks”. Those things in themselves are not necessarily a problem. But when we choose to put our energy there instead of turning towards our partner, we are making a very significant choice that will disconnect us and make us unhappy.

To maximize the positive energy in your relationship, it’s important to learn how to nourish the space between you and keep the energy juicy. In that way, we manage our relational leaks and create more shared happiness.

So, although there may not be a Happiness Magic Wand, you can see that there are several conscious practices that you and your partner can incorporate into your relationship to increase your levels of happiness. A loving, safe, intimate relationship can lower rates of anxiety and depression, increase self-esteem, develop greater empathy, and make your relationship more trusting and intimate. Strong, healthy relationships can even strengthen your immune system, help you recover from disease, and may even lengthen your life.

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It’s a familiar situation. A couple arrives at my office for an appointment. As a licensed Marriage Therapist, I prepare myself to hear how I might help them. They explain that they’ve been married for a number of years and have three young children, but have been separated for some time after an affair. They don’t know whether or not they want to be married, but they definitely do not want to divorce! They consider reconciliation, but the romance is gone. They care about each other but no longer feel as if they are in love. They want to do what’s best for their children. “We do not want to be divorced” they repeat.

My focus as a Marriage Therapist has traditionally been to help couples heal past issues, reconnect and find joy and satisfaction together. Over the years, I’ve written many articles about what couples can do to nurture their relationship and strengthen their bond. I’ve written parenting articles and looked at today’s marriage expectations.

The expectations of marriage have changed significantly over time:

Pre-1850; Institutional Marriage: Until around 1850, the marital union was based on the need to help each other with food production, shelter, and protection.

1850 – 1965; Companionate Marriage: After a shift from rural to urban life, American marriages focused more on intimate needs like loving, being loved, and an active sexual life.

1965 – Present; Self-Expressive Marriage: Today, we look to marriage increasingly for self-discovery, self-esteem, and personal growth. And while satisfying these higher-level needs yields greater happiness, it also requires more time, energy, and work to get there. Unfortunately, average Americans are investing less in their intimate relationships–to the detriment of these relationships – which end about half the time.

Our couple above expects a lot from their marriage. They want it all. But she admits that she doesn’t really love him anymore and he can’t forgive her infidelity. They’re friends, and they’re good co-parents, but they’re not able to be a true couple anymore in the traditional sense. They feel guilty and sad and they desperately don’t want to hurt the kids. They wring their hands and ask, “Should we stay, or should we go?”

I ask them, “What if there was a way to both stay and go?”

Recently, I had the privilege of training with a colleague named Susan Gadoua. Susan is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Northern California. She is an author and her latest co-authored book is entitled The New I Do. In it she, and journalist Vicky Larson, outline various creative alternatives to traditional marriage. One such variation is called the Parenting Marriage. This is an intriguing new structure for couples with children who want a divorce but are staying for the children. It is frequently the least bad option.

In a Traditional Marriage, the relationship is emotion-based, romantic, and focused on the couple. Parenting Marriage shifts the focus to the children and is purpose-based and practical. Parents can choose to live separately, in the same house, or in different houses. They are assisted to work through Susan’s Parenting Marriage workbook, filling out forms that help them to make agreements and set up a structure for the arrangement. For example, couples are aided in setting Parenting Goals, creating a Time Line, and designing a Parenting Marriage Agreement.

The purpose of a Parenting Marriage is to allow couples to feel good about continuing to rear their children together in a stable, two-parent home. It gives them a sense of freedom while maintaining access to resources. It provides better financial well-being and eliminates the pain of missing their children when in the other’s custody.

The advantage of a Parenting Marriage for children is living with parents who are present, stable, get along better, and provide a healthy role model for a good relationship. In today’s world, our youth are confronted with many diverse models for gender, sexuality, relationships, and family constellation. Parenting Marriage shows them that there are healthy alternatives to Traditional Marriage, which we know statistically fails half of the time.

Susan points out that there are some essential keys to a Parenting Marriage and that it may not be for everyone. If you think it might be for you, ask yourself these questions:

• Are we good Co-Parents or are we willing to get the help needed to become them? In other words, do we have shared goals, shared parenting styles, and can we offer a united front?
• Do we have a good enough relationship? This includes good communication, mutual respect, kindness, caring, and a willingness to give and take.
• Can we accept that the relationship is over and be friends?
• Are we willing to hire the right professionals early on? This will include attorneys if needed, financial planners, and therapists.
• Do we trust each other and agree on the new terms of the marriage? In other words, can we trust that our agreements will be followed by the other, and are we willing to negotiate and compromise?
• Do we care what others think to the point that their opinions will erode our courage?

I think about all of the couples I know, both personally and professionally, who are living in a Parenting Marriage by default. Susan’s work gives us a way for those couples to actually design that marriage with intention. Although she states that it’s clearly not a one size fits all type of solution, for many couples it allows them to find relief from trying to revive a dead marriage and gives them the satisfaction of keeping life stable for their children. Looking at the research on how divorce impacts children, it seems fairly clear that parental conflict is what hurts kids the most. (See Constance Ahrons and Paul Amato) Parenting Marriage can offer a solution to the disruption of divorce.

This new alternative allows parents to stay together in a stable pattern to rear their children while enjoying the freedom of their individual lives. Once the Parenting Marriage is arranged, couples will want to spell out the new rules for dating and being with others. Sometimes, like my client couples above, people need time to grieve the traditional marriage. They may need to separate for a few months or more and then come back to the Parenting Marriage. Again, no one size fits all, but the model is fluid and flexible to meet each couple where they are.

There is really no downside to trying a Parenting Marriage if you are ambivalent about staying or going. Some couples find themselves working back into a traditional marriage, some stay in the Parenting Marriage until the children launch and beyond, and some find themselves ready to divorce after a time. What’s evident is that with this kind of negotiating and planning, people tend to be less stressed out, fight less, and come together for their children. This is not a linear process but rather one that ebbs and flows with the needs of the family.

In reality, Parenting Marriage is an out-of-the-box alternative when neither staying in a dead Traditional Marriage nor divorcing seems right. It’s not for everyone but can work when both parents are willing and able to agree to its terms. It allows parents time to decide what to do when ambivalent, saves money, preserves the stability of the family unit, and maintains a strong co-parenting relationship.

Please reach out if you’d like to hear more about exploring the option of a Parenting Marriage.
I’d be happy to help you assess if it’s right for you.

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Often, people ask if I can help them with learning how to have a healthy relationship.

I started thinking about this request and what it really means to deliver the proper relationship advice for it.

What are the elements of a healthy relationship, exactly?

Two of my colleagues in Interpersonal Neurobiology, David Rock and Daniel Siegel, developed a model called The Healthy Mind Platter. They outlined 7 daily mindfulness exercises that they think are essential in creating well-being and mental health.

1. Focus time

We live in the age of digital distraction. Are you ever guilty of looking down at your phone instead of into your partner’s eyes when they’re speaking?

Focus allows a couple to be really present, at the moment, and this translates to care and love for each other.
We all want to know that we’re important and that we matter. Focusing on each other sends that message.

2. Playtime

Do you play with your partner? Setting down the to-do list, turning off the computer, and allowing ourselves to be spontaneous or creative go a long way in creating a healthy balance in life.

In a relationship, playing together — whether it’s a board game or a game of kickball — makes new connections in the brain and to each other.

Research has shown that playfully enjoying novel experiences even keeps our sexual attraction alive.

3. Connecting time

When we connect, truly connect, with each other, we reinforce our enjoyment in the relationship. Being physically present — whether you’re talking, cooking, or folding laundry — activates and reinforces the brain’s relational circuitry.

This builds a type of safety with one another and allows us to relax and experience joy.

4. Physical time

When we move our bodies, we strengthen our brains, our hearts, and our happiness.

So, get off the sofa and go for a walk, dance, or get aerobic in bed together. A daily dose of physical activity is a recipe for physical, mental, emotional, and relational health.

5. Time in

There is also a great benefit from taking some time to sit still and reflect internally. Some couples sit quietly next to each other in meditation, silence, or prayer.

Remember to focus on sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts. Perhaps you’ll want to open up and share some of this internal wandering with your partner.

Be sure to listen deeply, with curiosity and no judgment. This is the very essence of emotional intimacy.

6. Downtime

It’s okay to binge-watch mindless TV once in a while, too. Sometimes, our brains just need to relax.

When we are non-focused, without any specific goal, we boost relaxation. This is how we recharge. Hanging out, and doing nothing, is one of my favorite ways to spend time with my husband.

7. Sleep time

Healthy adults sleep an average of 6-8 hours per night. Have you ever found yourself cranky with your partner’s behavior when the real culprit is that you’re exhausted and sleep-deprived?

We need to sleep to consolidate learning and recover from the experiences of the day. Cuddling together at night while sleeping is one of life’s greatest joys.

Make your bedroom your relationship sanctuary: clean, neat, beautiful. Install soft lighting, music, and fluffy pillows. Keep it free of distractions like computers, TVs, and telephones.

Practicing these seven tools will not only lead to a well-integrated and healthy mind, but also to a stronger, healthier relationship.

Try to incorporate all of these into your daily life and start noticing if the healthy relationship you ordered is being delivered.

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Committing yourself to another person isn’t something that should be taken lightly. After the excitement of your proposal, but before your wedding day, it’s essential for you and your fiancé to sit down together and discuss some important topics. Doing so will help to ensure your relationship is as strong as possible before saying “I do.”

Read on to learn more about the six conversations you and your fiancé definitely need to have before marriage.

1. Work/Life Balance

Your career means a lot to you, and so does your fiancé and family. Before you commit to one another, you and your fiancé need to first individually balance your life. Then, work together to determine where your common goals lie. From there, you can decide on specifics. For example, you can each set aside your work after a certain time each day or have a dedicated date night every week.

The goal here is to find a balance that works for both of you so you can continuously foster your relationship while also meeting your career goals. Having this conversation in advance will help to set these boundaries early and allow you to go into your marriage knowing you’re able to prioritize one another.

2. Finances

Money is an important, yet often contentious aspect in relationships. Undoubtedly, you and your finacé aren’t going to completely agree on every aspect of handling your personal finances. However, it’s still important to have these conversations and work toward an understanding of how you both look at money and what your financial goals are.

A good example is when you’re looking to buy a house. This is both a huge life milestone and a large investment, so you want to make sure you’re financially ready. You can determine your readiness by calculating how much house you can afford before you begin looking. Knowing where you each stand financially, as well as your goals can help you make the progress you need now to ultimately reach those goals together.

3. Communication

The key to a successful relationship is communication. If you can’t communicate and connect with your partner now, then things aren’t going to magically get better after your wedding day. When having a conversation about how you can communicate better as a couple, keep your mind open to really listen, and ask your fiancé to do the same. Remember, no one is to blame and it’s important to hear each other out.

Some questions to get the conversation started include:
● Do you think I’m a good listener?
● Do you feel you can express yourself clearly to me?
● Are there issues that you’re unwilling to discuss with me?
● Do you value avoiding conflict under all circumstances?
● Do you think that I provide you with emotional support when you need it?
● Would you prefer to solve issues immediately or take some time apart to think about them?
● Do we argue about the same issues over and over?
● How do you feel about the way that I express my frustration or anger?

4. Handling Stress

We all know what it’s like to be under high stress and pressure. What becomes an issue is when we take that out on those closest to us. Stress can bring the little things that bother you to the surface and ultimately cause you to criticize your partner. To avoid this happening at all, or worse, becoming a pattern, you need to have a conversation with your fiancé about how you each handle stress. Some people will prefer to be alone and reflective, while others need to be social as a distraction from the stress.

Figure out where you each fall and talk about your individual preferences during those times. Have a way to communicate to one another when it’s one of those times, so they can best know how to handle it. This can be a word that tells them you’re stressed, or you can directly say that you’re stressed followed by what you need from them. Having this conversation now will inform you both on the others preferences and also let the other know not to be hurt or offended by what you need.

5. Having a Baby

Before having a baby, you and your fiancé should have a conversation where you discuss your expectations. Here are some of the important questions to answer during this conversation:
● Do you want to have children?
● How many children would you like to have?
● How long should we be married before starting a family?
● Will one of us stay home after we have children?
● How will we balance our careers with the demands of parenting?
● How would you feel if we were unable to conceive?
● How do you feel about adoption?
● Do you have children already from a former relationship?

While you discuss what you each want in a family, it’s also important to consider how having a baby will impact you as a couple. Your relationship after baby will shift, and that’s ok. What’s important is that you still make one another a priority as well.

6. Parenting

After you’ve figured out what you both want in a family, you need to also have a conversation about what kind of parents you’ll be. There are different parenting styles and it’s important to determine what you both think and where you both believe you’ll fall. Hearing what kind of parent your fiancé thinks you’ll be and vice versa can also be enlightening.

Undoubtedly, you’ve each experienced different forms of parenting growing up, and you’ll each have different opinions about what’s best. Remember, both of your opinions are valid and you should hear one another out completely.

These are only six examples of the conversations you and your fiancé should have before marriage. Knowing where you each stand can help you build a stronger relationship and understand one another on a deeper level. If these conversations bring up deeper issues, you can always work with me to find a solution and transform your relationship.

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As a Marriage Therapist I see a lot of frustrated wives. I’ve noticed that women initiate Couples Therapy more than men. If their husbands are acting like children, these women tend to be angry, hurt, and resentful. They want him to grow up, or else!

We also know that women initiate divorce more often than men on average. Numerous studies have shown that nearly 70 percent of divorces are initiated by wives. In 2015, the American Sociological Association suggested that two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. This number jumped up to 90% among college-educated women.

Are you wondering why? The leading reasons stated by women for divorcing their partners are:

• Feeling overwhelmed and/or being in psychological distress because they don’t have enough support from their husbands.
• Feeling emotionally burdened in the marriage.
• No longer wanting to tolerate consistent unacceptable behaviors.

In my own practice, wives often complain that their husbands “act like children”. While these behaviors might be tolerated in the beginning, they wear on the relationship over time. This is especially true after the couple starts their family and there are actual children to care for. Indeed, childish behavior on the part of the husband can ruin a marriage and land the couple in divorce court.

Here are the top three intolerable ways husbands act like children according to the many women I’ve interviewed:

1) Taking no Responsibility

 A very common complaint is from women who feel overwhelmed with the amount of responsibility and work they do in what should be an equal partnership. They find that their husbands are overly dependent on them or incapable of completing simple tasks on their own.

Let’s take the example of Ann and Bob. This couple came to therapy because Ann had become very angry at Bob after their child was born. Before their baby came, Ann and Bob had settled into a routine where Ann worked at a high paying career, shopped for groceries, cooked, organized their social life, arranged for the house to be cleaned, and balanced their finances. Bob also had a high paying career which left him exhausted and depleted. He frequently played video games online with friends in the evening, golfed on the weekends and took naps. Bob’s mother had always taken care of everything when he was young, and he had just assumed that Ann would too. Ann’s mother had also modeled this behavior in her marriage to Ann’s Dad. Ann knew that it was her job to sacrifice personal time for the good of her relationship because after all, that’s what her Mother had done!

As Ann’s career gradually got more and more demanding, she began to question these unspoken roles. She was exhausted much of the time and began asking for more help and support from Bob. He usually promised “to try” but would slide back into his need to relax.

Once the baby came, Ann had had enough. She cried, “he takes no responsibility for anything—not the marriage, our child, the running of our house, our social life, our finances—for anything! If he doesn’t step up, I’m leaving. I’m doing everything myself anyway. Divorce won’t be any different.”

In therapy, with respectful, structured communication, Bob was able to hear Ann’s distress and begin to make changes. Slowly, he began to take on some of the household tasks and took over the finances. Together, they set out a plan for healthy, shared co-parenting and Ann began to relax and appreciate their collaboration. Both were able to see how they had unconsciously re-created their parents’ marriages and needed to consciously create their own.

2) Playing too Much

 In 1983, Dr. Dan Kiley wrote a book called The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up. Although not an actual diagnosis, it was adopted by our culture to describe men who refuse to grow up or get trapped in childhood behaviors.

Many a frustrated wife describes how her husband plays too much. While dating she may have been attracted to his playfulness. His fun-loving attitude and ability to be silly was refreshing.

Later, years into the marriage his commitment to playing may be experienced as isolating and disruptive to their connection. Instead of doing things together, these men are frequently off with their buddies. They can be found in bars drinking at happy hour, smoking weed, or doing recreational drugs. They spend time gambling, going to strip clubs, playing or watching sports, working out at the gym, or spending long hours golfing.

Relaxing, socializing and having fun are all important to do, but when done in excess the wife waiting at home can grow lonely and resentful. She can begin to feel like she’s married to Peter Pan!

3) Emotional Immaturity

This is perhaps the most common complaint heard from women about their spouses. Wives often feel that they are carrying the emotional weight of the relationship. They feel lonely and disconnected from their husbands. They are frustrated with his inability to meet her emotionally.

Frequently, wives describe their partner’s inability to listen and empathize when she’s unhappy about something. There are a number of common refrains:

• He doesn’t listen. He gets defensive and then I end up taking care of how he feels about what I wanted to talk about.
• He only listens long enough to figure out how to solve it. I want him to hear me, validate me, empathize. I don’t need him to solve my problems.
• He refuses to talk about certain things. He stonewalls and avoids anything serious. He minimizes my concerns.
• He makes promises but doesn’t follow through. Then, I must have another conversation about the same thing. It’s like ground-hog day…very frustrating.
• He has narcissistic tendencies: he’s self-centered and sometimes “gaslights” He makes it sound like I’m the crazy one to have a need or a desire.
• He isn’t He can’t or won’t give me his full attention. He’s distracted or acts bored. He says “I don’t know” to get me to stop talking.

It’s easy to see how these three major ways that husbands act like children could ruin a relationship if not fixed. Over time, a wife is likely to grow resentful and to give up trying. Eventually, she may end up in divorce court, disillusioned and defeated.

If a couple can get to Couples Therapy, like Ann and Bob, they can make important changes in their dynamic before it’s too late. Some things to work on if you’re the wife of a childish man include:

• Set up a time and space to clearly communicate your needs and desires.
• Set realistic expectations for change and check in regularly to track progress and challenges.
• Draw appropriate boundaries and stick to them.
• Identify how you might be contributing to your husband’s behaviors and what you can do to help change these patterns.

It’s hard work to shift the dynamic between two people in marriage. If you love each other and want the relationship to work, it’s worth fighting for. Be sure to reach out for help if you find yourselves stuck and thinking of throwing in the towel out of desperation. Good therapy can help even the most steadfast Peter Pans grow up!

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Do you know about the Five Languages of Love? In 1992, Gary Chapman wrote a book by that title. It sold 8,500 copies in its first year, roughly twice the expected number. It has been on the New York Times Best Seller list since 2009. A newly revised edition was released in 2015. Dr. Chapman has written several more books expanding on his early concept.

The Five Languages of Love tells us that we all have a primary way that we express and experience love. In his book, Dr. Chapman posits that there are five languages:

• words of affirmation
• quality time
• giving gifts
• acts of service
• physical touch

He suggests that couples, seeking to improve the quality of their relationships, should first identify and then communicate to their partners what feels like love to them. In this way, each can begin giving their spouse what they truly long for, thereby increasing the chances for a deeper, more satisfying connection.

I remember 30 years ago when this book was first published. I, and many of my colleagues, questioned the simplicity of Dr. Chapman’s theory. The book is brief, easy to read, and to the point. We wondered if it would really catch on and move beyond self-help to the couples therapy room.

Today, this book has sold 90 million copies worldwide. Clearly, it has caught on! People seem to love it. As a Marriage Therapist, I like the way it addresses the need for targeted, caring behaviors in marriage.

I find that couples frequently come to sessions today armed with information about love languages as outlined in Dr. Chapman’s popular book. They say things like, “he washes the cars, takes the kids to soccer practice, loads the dishwasher, but rarely tells me that I’m beautiful”. Or, “she texts and calls me a lot when I’m at work, but at night, she rarely wants to cuddle or make love”. They agree that they have different love languages and are struggling to become bilingual!

First, each party is asked to become clear about their primary language. Then, I ask them to identify a number of behaviors that they would love to receive from their partner in their primary and secondary love languages. They exchange these lists, like recipe cards, and pledge to increase behaviors from off the lists. Typically, they come back with astonishment as to just how easy it was.

It doesn’t generally shift the entire relationship, but for many couples, it gives them a solid place of goodwill to start.

Because the concept of love languages has proven to be so useful, I began wondering if couples would also benefit from identifying their primary languages of desire. Most couples in therapy are also trying to improve upon their intimate connection. What if their partners are engaging in the wrong language for them? What if their efforts to turn them on are leaving them flat?

Let’s look at the five languages again, but through a different lens. Each of these love languages can translate to languages of desire.

• words
• quality time
• giving gifts
• acts of service
• physical touch

As couples talk about the history of their sexuality, there emerges a pattern or template. This is what has shown to be the most erotic and stimulating to them over time.

Words:

For example, some of us are most aroused when our lovers speak to us: sometimes in beautiful poetry and sometimes in naughty, nasty words. For others, words prove to be a big distraction and they would rather make love in silence. Find out if words are what your partner is longing for and talk about what kind. You might find yourself reading erotic literature out loud for the first time!

Quality Time:

A big point of contention for some couples is the longing for sensual and sexual quality time. There are partners who want long, drawn-out love-making sessions while their lovers prefer a quick, orgasmic experience. One woman described to me how she longs for “fine dining” while her husband is usually satisfied with “a quick trip for fast food”. This couple needed to learn how to engage in both experiences but until he knew that her language of desire was quality time, he couldn’t really connect with her.

Gifts:

Gifts are the language that involves the giving of tangible items. If this is your language of desire, you might need to let your partner know how much you would love to receive sex toys or books, lingerie, sensual bath products, or videos. Gifts should be freely given or requested.

Acts:

Maybe the gifts you’d like to receive are not tangible items, but rather, acts of service? In the language of desire, acts can show up as lighting candles, putting on music, sensual massages, hair brushing, or oral sex. Each couple should talk through what acts they would enjoy. You are only limited by your imagination!

Physical Touch:

Although it seems obvious that desire would involve touch, it’s important to know what kind of touch. If touch is your primary language of desire, you will be more interested in the affection and sensual touch that leads up to sexual encounters. Caresses, kisses, spanking, and rubbing might be the very thing to turn you on. Your partner may not know how important this is to you in much the same way that you didn’t know he needed those naughty words.

The whole point of Love Languages is to help you to communicate clearly about the way that your partner or spouse can help you to feel most loved and cherished. I think it’s also worthwhile to take a closer look at your Languages of Desire. I have found, in my work with couples, that they are often not the same. You might really want the laundry folded to feel loved but desperately long for a deep, sensual massage in bed.

As a Marriage Therapist, I recommend that you read The Five Languages of Love with your language of desire in mind. Sit quietly, eye-to-eye with your partner, and take turns telling each other the behaviors that would most turn you on. Just as you deserve to have your longings for loving behaviors filled, you each deserve to feel sensually and sexually connected.

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Were you a rambunctious kid growing up? I know at times I certainly was. I can clearly remember those moments when my parents would send me to my room for a time-out to calm down and reflect on my behavior. I wasn’t allowed to see any of my friends or go out to play. I can still remember the feeling of boredom and loneliness that would overtake me. And even more clearly, I remember the time-in when I was “set free” to re-engage with my favorite friends, toys, and activities! I never appreciated those things precious to me quite so much as I did after they had been briefly taken away.

Fast forward to the past year and a half. The Pandemic, in a sense, sent us all to our rooms. Just like the time-outs of our childhoods, we weren’t able to see our friends or go out to play. For some of us, we felt that familiar boredom and loneliness, separated from our favorite people and activities! And now, we see the light at the end of the Covid tunnel, and we’re finally getting our eagerly anticipated time-in! Will you make the most of it?

In my work with couples, I’ve seen the impact of being locked down—sometimes together, sometimes apart, sometimes with children, sometimes with full-time zoom jobs, sometimes with both. Many couples have struggled to maintain emotional connection despite a lot of physical time together or because of forced separation. Libidos are down; divorce is up.

Now is the perfect time to break out and take a time-in on your relationship. A Couples Retreat offers a powerful, transformational weekend for you and your partner. Here are some tips on what to consider in choosing the right Couples Retreat for your relationship.

First and foremost, choose a competent, experienced Retreat leader.

Look for a therapist who has advanced training in working exclusively with couples. Most Marriage and Family Therapists will see a couple together, but that doesn’t mean that they are trained to do so. Look for certifications beyond the degree and license of the professional.

Remember to ask about the Facilitator’s years of experience. While beginners have enthusiasm, it takes years of experience to become a therapist skilled at expertly handling a crowd and holding a safe space for multiple couples simultaneously.

Ask yourself what you’re dreaming of achieving at a Couples Retreat.

If you have noticed that you’re arguing more than before or have lost that loving feeling, you should consider a Retreat. In a good Couples Retreat, you will have the opportunity to deepen your connection and grow your relationship while relaxing and having fun.

Look for a Couples Retreat that offers support in the form of individual and group learning experiences.

A good Couples Therapist will manage the Retreat so that you have a combination of individualized attention and learning from the group. Look to her to create a safe and intimate setting where everyone has the chance to do their own work and to witness the work of other couples. There should be a lot of support and guidance, usually in the form of trained assistants.

Consider a smaller Couples Retreat to nurture maximum growth and healing.

Retreats are powerful because you have a dedicated period of two days to focus on learning and practicing effective communication tools to resolve conflict and increase empathy for one another. If the Retreat is small and intimate, you will feel safe enough to be vulnerable for maximum growth and healing.

In summary, at a good marriage retreat, you can expect to:

• Learn effective communication skills that will take you deeper into your love and commitment as a couple.
• Resolve conflict that has been getting in your way with one another.
• Remember why you got together in the first place.
• Get positive energy and support from the other couples in the group.
• Receive expert coaching by the Retreat Leader.
• Relax and have fun together in a beautiful and calm setting away from home.

Couples who have taken a time-in on their relationship and participated in a Couples Retreat often say that the experience transformed their relationship. If you choose a well-trained and experienced Therapist, you can expect to learn about yourselves and each other, pick up new communication tools, practice new relationship skills, meet some new people, and feel completely pampered in a beautiful setting. What’s not to love? A good weekend retreat can be worth months of week-to-week counseling and is a nice get-away, as well.

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Exploring the Link Between Positive Mental Health and Happy Relationships

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month. Often, when people think about mental health, they tend to focus solely on mental illness. Mental health does, of course, include anxiety, depression and other diagnoses — but it encompasses much more than that. Positive factors, such as resiliency, curiosity, self-worth and strong supportive relationships are also part of your mental health and can help you cope with adversity and mental illness.

In the same way that we need to attend to our physical health through proper nutrition, exercise, and sleep, our mental health also requires well rounded attention. When we nurture our mental health, we:

• are better able to handle the ups and downs of life,
• recover from set-backs and changes in our lives more quickly,
• sleep better, heal quicker, and live longer.

Without strong positive mental health, we struggle to be healthy and happy.

As a Couples Therapist, I am particularly interested in how our intimate relationships play a part in our personal mental health.

Research shows us that being happily married or in a stable relationship impacts positively on mental health. High marital quality is associated with lower stress and less depression.¹

Some studies have found that negative social interactions and relationships, especially with partners or spouses, increase the risk of depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation, while positive interactions reduce the risk of these issues.²

Some degree of conflict is inevitable in romantic relationships. But for many of the couples I see, the conflict extends beyond day-to-day disagreements into pervasive patterns of negative conflict. This then leaves both partners in a perpetual state of distress or disconnection.

Disconnection is not good for our mental health. Neurobiologists tell us that we are wired for connection. It seems that we humans aren’t built to be alone, isolated or lonely. We want to be seen, acknowledged and bonded to another.

When we experience a close, intimate, healthy relationship with another:

• We feel alive
• We have purpose
• Life has meaning
• We prioritize positive health behaviors
• We experience less stress
• We’re able to process our emotions
• We have increased energy
• We’re able to release tension

All of this leads to positive mental health, less disease and a longer life. So, what elements of a healthy relationship are worth striving for?

Most couples who seek Relationship Counseling state that they want to work on their communication. Typically, their dynamic has become one of mutual triggering where they find themselves having the same argument again and again. Sometimes, they are so hurt and exhausted that they have stopped bringing things up and are locked behind walls of silence and disconnection.

In my experience, it is crucial that couples focus on practices of mutual respect. Respect is foundational for each person to feel safe and loved. Here are some things to incorporate into your relationship to ease tension and deepen connection:

• Deep listening in order to understand
• Removal of negative criticism and contempt
• Taking responsibility rather than being defensive
• Validating the other’s point of view
• Expressing empathy for the other’s feelings
• Supportive words and gestures
• Honoring needs and boundaries
• Acceptance of differences
• Affectionate touch
• Eye gaze
• Humor/Laughter

In order to maximize your mental health, good relationships are key. If you need support to build yours into something more respectful, I am here to help. Through week-to-week sessions, longer Private Intensives and Weekend Couples Retreats, you have options to improve your connection and build the relationship you need, want and deserve.

¹Holt-Lunstad, J., Birmingham, W., & Jones, B.Q. (2008). Is There Something Unique about Marriage? The Relative Impact of Marital Status, Relationship Quality, and Network Social Support on Ambulatory Blood Pressure and Mental Health. Annals of Behavioural Medicine, 35, 239–244.
²Teo, A.R., Choi, H.J., & Valenstein, M. (2013). Social Relationships and Depression: Ten-Year Follow-Up from a Nationally Representative Study. PLOS One, 8(4). Retrieved from journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0062396

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This year has been unprecedented in so many ways. For me, not being old enough to have lived through the Spanish flu, this is my very first pandemic experience. About a year ago, when I first heard of Covid-19 I, like most of us, thought that we would hunker down for a month or two and quickly get back to normal. I thought that my husband and I could do anything for a short period of time. I thought we were being courageous and resilient when the first Shelter at Home orders came down from our governor. We would stay home to do our part, wash our hands and not hoard toilet paper!

Obviously, that was wishful thinking because here we are many months later still threatened by this deadly virus. In addition to watching my own marriage go through the stages of letting go of life as we knew it, in my work as a Marriage Therapist, I have met with many couples on Zoom since last April. I started wondering why some of them have been negatively impacted by changes in their lives, while others have found a way to thrive.

In many ways these past months of 2020 have paralleled Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ stages of grief. For those of you not familiar with her work, she posits that people suffering loss go through five distinctive stages of grieving that loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

The loss of routine, freedom, feeling safe, jobs, health and the death of loved ones have all contributed to our grief.

DENIAL: Clearly there was denial at the beginning. This is illustrated by the way that none of us (except maybe the most knowledgeable epidemiologists) thought that we’d still be here watching as the death toll climbs a year later. Today, we have reached over 400,000 Americans who have died from this virus and the nation grieves. People actually thought that they could storm Costco and buy enough toilet paper and supplies to get them through the length of the pandemic. We were told that it was just the flu and that it was mild.

ANGER: As for anger, we have just lived through a banner year. People have raged against State and Local governments whose policies have dictated mask wearing and shut down businesses in some places. At times, we have also raged against the Federal government for not having done enough to protect us. For couples, impatience and frustration have increased as we struggle to live together without many of our usual distractions or freedoms. Simply put, some couples are weary of spending time together 24/7.

A few couples that I see in therapy, have opted to sleep in separate bedrooms during these past few months if only to create a little bit of distance and alone time.It seems that the pandemic, with its inherent restrictions, has caused some people to have more anxiety and irritability. Large numbers of us are overwhelmed—working from home, monitoring video schooling for children, worrying about our aging parents, our health and what’s safe or not according to the current information availabile. Many have lost their jobs or are suffering from reduced income and increased uncertainty. Spouses are the natural place to take out our negative emotions.

BARGAINING: While trying to process these various losses, we have at times entered the bargaining phase of grief. It’s characterized by our attempts to squeeze one more drop of normal out of our circumstances. “What if we only have 6 people over? What if we eat indoors but only take our masks off when we’re eating? What if I hang out with these young friends, they can’t get it, can they? And so it goes. The bargaining phase is the last stand as we resist acceptance.

DEPRESSION: As our bargains fail to restore normalcy, the emotional surrender that follows may appear similar to depression. According to the CDC, symptoms of both Anxiety Disorder and Depressive Disorder increased considerably in the United States during April–June of 2020, compared with the same period in 2019. Suicide and suicidal thoughts, especially among young people, has also shown increases since the Pandemic began.

ACCEPTANCE: The answer to whether or not we, and our marriages, will return to normal after the pandemic is influenced by our ability to get to the final stage, acceptance.

It’s not so much about saying, “it’s okay that we’re experiencing the largest public health crisis in modern history” but rather, “we’re experiencing the largest public health crisis in modern history, and we’re okay”.Some couples came to acceptance very early in the process. They re-arranged their houses, installed good internet, implemented game night, baked bread and bought seeds for the garden. Others have had less privilege and have truly suffered through health and financial challenges.

For those of us with mild loss, our ability to get back to normal requires an acceptance that there is a “new normal”. Some businesses are gone, offices are closed, and your spouse might be working from home from now on. Perhaps the way we function is forever changed, as in the ways that we socialize, travel, and educate our children.

I believe we have an opportunity to take some of the lessons of the past year to create even better marriages than before. I like that people are spending more time together as families and having to think of new ways to make the time count. Couples have had to learn and practice better communication while locked down just to get through the ever-changing circumstances of this pandemic. In accepting the parameters of a “new normal”, we can find the silver-lining of the past year and thrive.

Will your marriage get back to normal? Or is the key in the conscious creation and acceptance of your new normal?

If you, or anyone you know, needs help navigating your relationship, please reach out. I have various educational and therapeutic programs to fit your needs. I’m happy to help you figure out your “new normal”!

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As I started thinking about this question, I had to laugh. Why? What’s so funny about an angry spouse? Nothing, really. I giggled because I know all too well about anger these days. Just this morning, my spouse asked me this question! “Honey, why do you seem so angry lately?” Here’s my reply (it was a text):

Because I’ve been stuck in this house for over three months. Covid is still raging and I know people who are sick and dying. The EU won’t let me into France so that I can visit my only grandchildren. Our country is racially, politically and culturally divided like never before. I don’t feel safe at restaurants, my hair salon or the gym. I miss my friends. I miss singing at church. I am worried that my elderly father and uncle might die before I see them again. I’m furious that my aunt’s funeral was on zoom. I hate this Sheltering-at-Home weight around my middle. AND, frankly you’re starting to really annoy me!

As a Marriage Therapist working on Zoom for the past four months, I’ve been hearing a lot about anger from the couples I see.  One of my colleagues, Lee Miller, LMFT, taught me that the times we are living in are called VUCA. This is apparently a term used by military leaders to describe the climate of difficult situations and determine the best leadership strategy to move forward. The acronym VUCA stands for volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous. As she points out, we are certainly living in VUCA times!

You don’t have to look very far to see examples of anger in our culture. It shows up in the news as domestic violence, child abuse, and workplace disruption. We are angry, stressed-out people who don’t seem to know how to control ourselves very well.

One idea, often held by mental health professionals, is that anger is a “secondary” emotion.
It’s like an overlay for softer, more vulnerable feelings. Sometimes anger is more energizing than the underlying emotions from which it tries to protect us. Soft emotions like sadness and fear can be debilitating. What feelings come up in you when you consider 2020 so far?

VUCA—volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity stir up fear, sadness, anxiety and grief in me. Life as we knew it has changed and the changes have not been predictable. Each day seems to bring with it new developments and contradictory information. The couples I work with are more irritable, sometimes specifically with each other, sometimes just taking it out on each other.

Generally we see anger as a predictable response to ongoing frustrations in our day to day lives.
It is a cluster of emotions ranging from annoyance to blinding rage. Once triggered, it changes how we look, how we  sound, what we’re thinking and how we behave. Like all emotional reactions, it comes from the “old brain” or the limbic system where our emotional memories are stored in the amygdala. They’re there in the service of survival. If an old hurtful memory is triggered by something in the present, reacting with anger can help us to survive the reoccurrence of the painful event. This can get activated even when the original danger is long gone.

I’ve seen frustration and annoyance turn to full blown anger when there doesn’t seem to be a way to clear or resolve the challenges in the situation.
If we don’t have total control over the factors and situations that make us so angry, perhaps we should at least take a look at controlling our angry reactions.

In referring to VUCA times, I’m really talking about the way in which our sadness, fear and vulnerability is turned to anger because of increased stressors in our lives. A good first step in managing anger is to reduce stress through selfcare. I recommend practices like breath work, meditation, mindfulness, yoga, exercise or journaling. Through these types of activities, we are calming our nervous systems and learning to resist the pull into the limbic reactivity that fuels anger.

It’s a good idea when trying to manage your anger to examine your thoughts.
We quickly label things that frustrate us and react as if that thought is gospel truth! Asking yourself if something is really true can be a simple step in defusing anger.

For example, the husband of a couple that I see in therapy recently became so angry at his wife that he upended a coffee table. They were both shocked at his behavior and, as you can imagine, she was mad, hurt and scared by it. I helped him to examine his anger when he had calmed down. He admitted that he had “seen red” when she criticized his decision to go to a recently opened restaurant with a friend.

By examining his feelings, he was able to see that the thought he had had was that she didn’t care about him or his emotional health. That really made him furious after all he’s done for her and how much he cares about her.  He knew that despite Covid and the need to socially distance, he had been experiencing feelings of loneliness and isolation and really “needed” to see his friend. He was furious when she questioned his judgement because he thought she really must not care about him! Underneath the anger were deep feelings of fear and sadness.

When asked, he knew that the idea that his wife didn’t really care about him was not a true thought. He was able to name many ways in which she demonstrated her caring.

Of course, in an intimate relationship, it is important to know and practice good communication.
This requires taking a deep breath to give yourself a chance to respond rather than react to your partner. Putting a pause between the event and the reaction, gives us a chance to choose a more loving, empathetic response. Anger seems to drive more anger, but assertively stating your frustration and asking for what you need can actually calm the situation down and create more connection between the two of you.

In the example above, it would have been far better if my client’s wife had been able to express her fears about the danger of his outing rather than criticizing him. Barring that, he would have been better served by taking a breath and calmly talking about his need to go out with the friend and the fear that she just didn’t care about him. The irony is that her critical statement was born from her deep caring and fear that he’d become sick.

A practice of good communication between them could have helped them avoid the whole unfortunate situation. Sometimes we just need to take a time-out and go breathe or self-soothe until we’re able to respond from our cortical, mature brain, rather than from our reactive, emotional one. From this place, it’s easier to remove negativity and express empathy for our partner’s softer, vulnerable feelings.

As we navigate these stressful times, it’s important to recognize our anger and work to manage it. I recommend that we all:

• Take inventory of our stressors and develop practices that de-stress.

• Pause to find the hurt, sadness and fear underlying the anger.

• Examine the “truth” of the thoughts leading to the anger.

• Learn and practice effective communication tools.

• Focus on empathy rather than judgement and criticism.

Remember that the goal is not to totally eliminate the experience of anger.
It’s human to get angry at times. Our limbic brains rely on it to get us out of danger or perceived threat. Rather, we must all learn to recognize it and manage it when it occurs. After my text to my husband, I spent some time realizing that there wasn’t much I could do to change the source of my frustration and annoyance. I can, however, express it for what it is—grief, sadness, fear and disappointment. I’ve also become aware that a little yoga and exercise wouldn’t hurt either!

Anger is a powerful emotion. Please reach out to a therapist or friend if you need help managing during these stressful times.

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