A New Way to Love: Living God’s Purpose for your Marriage
Couplehood is often a difficult road to travel. But one thing we know, it is a spiritual path that calls us into wholeness and completion as human beings. It is God calling us to our highest selves. We fall in love and get married and then all the unfinished business that we bring into the relationship starts to emerge. Not knowing how to deal with it, we often argue and fight and feel disconnected. But we know we want to stay together, we are committed to each other and in some way we feel unsure of what to do. If so, this series is just for you!
This six week program is an educational adaptation of the book, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. The book has sold over 2 million copies and has been translated into 20 languages.
What is it about?
It’s about learning a powerful skill that will radically transform your relationship into a conscious one. It is also about establishing an ongoing program for couples in the church. Couples who take the course and would like to teach it are encouraged to offer it to other couples in their homes.
It’s about using these skills to:
Improve your relationship with your partner
Dissolve long-standing conflicts
Heal childhood wounds in the safety of your love for one another
Grow into your full potential
Transform the “space between” you into sacred space
Grow spiritually together
Create a better society through conscious partnership
Who it’s for:
If you are a couple, it is for you! The course is open to all couples who are interested in improving the quality of their relationship. This includes:
Couples who have a good relationship and want to deepen intimacy
Couples who have a difficult relationship and want to restore connection
Couples who are near divorce and want to find an alternative
Couples who are not married but want to learn better relationship skills
Where?
Classes will be held at St. Mel Church, 20870 Ventura Boulevard, Woodland Hills, California 91364
When?
Monday evenings 6:30 to 8:30 pm from June 7 through July 19
Cost?
$300 per couple includes all 6 classes, materials, and workbooks.
Some scholarships are available.
3 Secrets to a Long, Happy Marriage
“Couple Celebrates 80 Years of Marriage!”
Just a sensational headline? Incredibly, no!
The latest in a number of marriages highlighted in the news over the past year tell the remarkable story of Mitchell and Mattie Atkins of West Philadelphia.
Married on January 14th, 1930, they were honored recently by family and friends at an anniversary party celebrating an incredibly rare 80 years together.
Mr. and Mrs. Atkins join a very small but extraordinary group of other couples who have celebrated an 80 year wedding anniversary. What are the secrets these amazing unions hold for us? Is it possible for love to last a lifetime?
Bill and Marie Decaro held the distinction of being the longest married couple in America on June 19th, 2009 when they celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary. When interviewed, they both said that laughter helps make every day special.
As does good communication, it appears: “We don’t believe in getting mad at each other, we express ourselves, but that’s the extent of it,” Mr. Decaro said.
In Britain, Walter and Beatrice Postings, married on March 27th, 1929, related the following in an interview at their anniversary party: “It’s all about give and take”. Mrs. Postings is even more succinct saying, “I just love him and that’s it.”
They still hold hands on their frequent walks and when enjoying each other’s company in the lounge at the residence home in which they live.
Is love destined to fade? Clearly, the answer is no. But there are things we can learn from those who have formed such a deep and lasting connection.
It’s Mr. Atkins who reveals many of the “secrets” that we as therapists know and impart to our clients. Let me share three of the most important with you now:
Secret #1 Don’t Deny the Power of Chemistry!
“She was the prettiest thing in the whole world,” said Mr. Atkins, 97. “And she’s still the loveliest, he said. “I fell for her right away, the first time I saw her. I liked the way she dressed and her hair. She was active. She was energetic.”
Ah, the power of attraction is chemistry; it sets the relationship in motion and as Mr. Atkins so movingly relates, it can last a lifetime!
Romantic love, symbolized in art, song, literature – and movies (!) as “Cupid’s Arrow” and “Love Potion #9”, is actually chemistry between lovers.
Endorphins, the “feel good” hormones, are responsible for that first rush of excitement and pleasure. Known as the romantic love stage, this is the initial time chemistry is felt between the couple.
Once the relationship deepens, Oxytocin, a hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter, known as the “cuddle hormone” is released helping form a bond and increased level of attachment to one another.
Derived from the Greek for “swift birth”, Oxytocin was most commonly known for its effect in three areas: 1) the stimulation of breast milk; 2) the stimulation of uterine contractions during childbirth; and 3) maternal bonding.
In fact, recent research shows that Oxytocin has a great deal of effect on our social behavior as well. Produced by both males and females, Oxytocin has the added benefit of producing feelings of security and contentment. It’s responsible for our feelings of calm and connection with our lover and is key to bonding.
Interestingly, Oxytocin is unique in that the more that is released, the better the feelings and feedback, and these feelings in turn release more Oxytocin.
So, is there a natural ebb and flow to romantic love?
Well, with every positive – a negative is possible. Research also shows us that acute stress inhibits the release of Oxytocin and does affect various feelings like empathy, trust and generosity, threatening the bond we’ve developed.
However, this awareness provides us with the opportunity to stave off stress, and further deepen our bond because the theory is, once Oxytocin is released, one need only see one’s partner to release more Oxytocin. Its release is responsible for that warm feeling you get, just seeing your partner walk toward you with his or her special smile and gaze meant especially for you.
Thus, the cycle is set in motion. As more Oxytocin is released, feelings become more intense and subsequently more Oxytocin is released and so on until – bonding deepens!
Secret #2 Appreciate Each Other, Every Single Day
Every time Mr. Atkins saw his wife, he had a present for her; and every Friday a florist delivered a dozen rosebuds to her.
“You have to have a habit of doing things like that,” Mr. Atkins explains.
Mr. Atkins knew instinctively the key to developing and maintaining a true connection with his beloved wife Mattie: that couples should appreciate each other, every single day.
Along with actions such as establishing a regular date night for just the two of you, provide positive, verbal appreciation to your partner daily.
A particularly effective way to show this is by saying, “I appreciate when you ________________ because it makes me feel ____________________.
Take the time to thoughtfully consider how you would fill in the sentence so that it truly expresses the uniqueness of your partner and his or her place in your life and relationship.
Secret #3 Seek Help When Necessary
Romantic love does ebb and flow but as we see, using what we know of chemistry and its role in our feelings of bonding and connection, it’s in our control to help it flow the way that we want.
Keeping the romance within a relationship isn’t always simple; we’re all pulled in a dozen different directions each day.
It is possible though to learn to affair-proof your marriage (a tip: if you find yourself attracted to someone else, consider it a wake-up call!), learn communications skills, develop tools to resolve conflict, create intimacy and passion, and much more.
And if you’re just starting out on the fantastic journey that’s marriage, consider pre-marital therapy. A wedding is exciting, no doubt, but it’s also a time ripe for conflict.
As a wedding present to yourselves seek help with a therapist specializing in pre-marital therapy who can help you with complex relationship issues like lifestyle expectations, personal issues and habits, problem solving, religion and values, sexuality, finances, and more.
“Love, Love, Love Each Other …”
Lastly, no matter whether you’ve been married a month, a year, or a decade, keep in mind perhaps the most eloquent words spoken by Mattie at the end of their anniversary party: “Love, love, love each other. It’s beautiful – beautiful to be old and still be in love at our age.”
Find the Right Focus in 2010
Have you ever heard it said, “Change your thinking, change your life”? This wise saying is based on the notion that we participate in the construction of our realities. In other words, what we focus on, is what we create. Many people use up most of their air- time and mental real-estate with negativity, “poor-me’s”, and complaints. Is it any wonder that they cannot break free and create the life they wish they had? Whether it’s with career, physical health and appearance, or relationships with loved ones, let 2010 be the year where you intentionally focus on what you’re really trying to create.
Many times, I ask my clients to imagine that while they are sleeping soundly and comfortably tonight, a magic wand passes over them and creates all of their dreams. Further, I ask them to imagine and to describe what life tomorrow morning would look like once this “magic” had occurred. I ask you to do this same exercise and to record, in detail, the elements of your “preferred life”. Who would be there, what would you be doing, how would you look and feel, how would you be contributing, where would you be, how much would you be earning, and so on. You get the picture. I even recommend that you take it one step further, and after you’ve written your vision for your life, you cut out some pictures from magazines and glue them on to your very own “vision board”. In this way, you’ll have a physical representation of your intentions that you can look at and focus on all year long!
So, shift your thinking from “New Year’s Resolutions”, which feel like chores and are usually forgotten by February, to visualizing your perfect life and putting your focus on creating it in 2010! Happy New Year!
Surviving Family Drama during the Holidays
Emily stood in the rain intently staring at the travel poster outside the travel agency. Stunning sandy beaches, sun streaming onto golden beach goers, calm water just as blue as a sapphire. But the photo told only half the story; the headline told the rest:
“Forget the Family Drama & Escape to Barbados for the Holidays!”
Memories of last year’s holiday brought a sting of realization that she still wasn’t talking to her sister after a big fight.
There would be questions and accusations as always – and she would be the bad guy. Again. And with that, Emily was making reservations for Barbados before she even realized what was happening!
In his book, “When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People: Surviving Your Family and Keeping Your Sanity” (2005) Leonard Felder, a psychologist and author relates that his research shows fully 68 percent of those he interviewed said they found family functions “frustrating or unenjoyable”.
It’s inevitable that expectations run high during the holidays. We all have a tendency to compare the ideal families we see portrayed in advertising to our own and for many of us, these comparisons sadly fall short.
Your Family of Origin
Awareness is key in learning how your present feelings for the holidays relate to the past – whether you’re truly looking forward to time with family, or are dreading it – are influenced by your past.
Your family of origin is that family in which you grew up, typically parents and siblings, but your family or origin would also include extended family such as grandparents if they lived with you. This is the family that had the greatest impact on your formative years and who may be exerting the greatest influence on whom you’ve become as a spouse and parent.
Why do these family issues seem to loom so large? If you grew up in a healthy family environment, you likely learned the benefits of compromise and negotiation in your own marriage and are in turn, teaching those skills to your own children.
Your challenge is greater if your family of origin experienced serious issues such as mental illness, abuse, alcoholism poverty, infidelity or divorce, however the rewards of taking on this challenge can be immense, particularly to your present family.
Triggers & the Reptilian Brain
It’s important to recognize what precipitates your feelings about family holiday events, particularly extreme feelings like dread. “Triggers” can include people, places, words, sounds, smells, and tastes – nearly anything that precipitates a certain feeling or emotion. As you can imagine, the list could be endless when speaking about our family of origin!
These triggers are instinctual and originate in what’s known as the reptilian brain, a part of the triune brain responsible for basic fight/flight or freeze reactions. Confronted by even a perceived stressor, an automatic and unconscious reaction occurs: cortisol is released into the system resulting in anxiety, depression – even physical illness.
Social situations, particularly those that are emotion-laden during the holidays are ripe for triggers. Recognizing them provides you with valuable insight. A good way to determine what might trigger emotions for you is to ask yourself, “What pushes my buttons when I get together with my family?”
Keeping in mind that we all act from our own perspective allows you to gain emotional distance from these triggers and their resulting emotions and look at the situation from a more logical viewpoint. What would you tell a friend who was relating her story?
How to Align Your Expectations &
Focus on the Possibilities for the Holiday
Consider your family of origin as a mini-culture to which you belong. Now consider the other cultures you belong to: your own present family, your work, your place of worship. It’s difficult, if not impossible for everyone to get along at all times, let alone have consensus.
Your control over your family of origin is limited of course, as it is for us all, but you can control how you respond to the challenges that arise.
We all frame our thoughts in a certain way which affect how we respond to a situation:
Some people see an event as a problem; others view it as a learning experience
Some people focus on detail; others focus on the “big picture”
Some people focus on what’s happening to them personally and others focus on what’s best for the team (or family) and
Some people thrive on conflict while others seek to negotiate conflict.
You get the picture; the way others in your family frame their thoughts may be in direct opposition to yours, but recognizing this and appreciating their uniqueness allows for a more serenity during the time you’re together.
Self care is especially important during the holidays. Be a role model and establish your own boundaries – then follow through! Self care can take many forms; for instance, if staying with family causes you stress, make hotel reservations for the length of your stay.
Awareness of activities that bring you pleasure is one way to ensure your own self care. Whether you’re staying close to home or visiting out of town family, it’s important to invest in your own well being. Devoting time to quiet meditation, indulging in a luxurious massage or spa treatment, enjoying nature – even maintaining your exercise routine (modified is OK!) helps keep you healthy during times of stress.
Just as important as self care activities that bring you pleasure, is the avoidance of other activities that may not be in your best interest long-term, like excessive drinking, enjoying food that’s less nutritious, and spending excessively, to name but a few activities that look particularly attractive when you’re feeling vulnerable or stressed.
Perhaps the most empowering form of self care during the holidays is selecting those with whom you want to spend your time. Develop an awareness of those who support and nurture you; they may not be your “family of origin”, but they can be your “family of choice”!
Family of Origin Therapy
If you find that family of origin issues are too overwhelming to handle on your own or they’re affecting your present family, your spouse or children, therapy may be the answer.
Your therapist can help you examine your family background, its communication style, traditions, and patterns of behavior, thought and emotions and help you gain a new perspective.
Escape to Barbados – indeed escape of any kind – is not always possible, or in your best interest. Resolve to change your approach to the holiday season and lead the way in leaving family drama behind!
Why we love Halloween
I hope all of you had a fun and interesting Halloween! I’ve always said that Halloween is my favorite holiday: I love dressing up in costume and seeing what everyone else dresses up as. What is it about this activity that we find so enticing? I realize that as children, the main draw was going from house to house to get free candy. But now, as adults, that cannot be it! After all, with cash in my pocket and keys to the car, I could conceivably drive to the nearest CVS and buy a bag of the sugary stuff for myself! No, that’s not it.
In Imago theory, we posit that we come into the world as perfect, complete, vibrating balls of energy. If we receive messages from our caretakers which encourage our thinking, feeling, sensing, moving, being…then we remain relatively whole. If, however, our early messages are repressive (“stay still”, “don’t cry”, ” you’re not smart enough”, “I wish you’d been a boy”, “you were an accident”, etc.) , then certain parts of our wholeness are either shut down or exaggerated. We make these adaptations to our personalities in order to survive the family of origin. These “lost parts” are called the denied self, the lost self, the disowned self, or the “shadow” in Jungian terms.
In a recent training on Characterological Growth, the participants were asked to come to the workshop as their Lost Self. One woman who had been sexually molested as a child came dressed as a beautiful, sexy, powerful woman after years of having shut down her sexual self. One man came as a daredevil after a lifetime of “playing it safe”. I dressed as a goofy, silly, outrageous girl in response to parental messages about the importance of behaving within acceptable guidelines. Get the picture?
So, back to Halloween. Is it possible that we love Halloween because it offers us the possibility and the freedom to play with our Lost Selves; to dig deep into ourselves and bring out that missing part? I invite you to think back on your choice of costumes, this year and in years past. Perhaps, in your choice of playful disguises there is a kernel of information to help you see what you may have lost along the way. It’s never too late to grow into your perfect, complete wholeness!
I have the tools to help you heal the wounds of the past and experience your full potential as an individual and an intimate partner.
Premarital Workshop on Saturday, September 11, 2010
“Marriage is not only the expression of love between two people, it is also a profound evocation of one of life’s greatest mysteries: the weaving together of many different strands of the soul.” –Thomas Moore
If you are Catholic and engaged (or even moving in that direction), you can’t afford to miss Start Right, Stay Connected on Saturday, April 10! This 8 hour Imago workshop is a fun and dynamic program designed to provide couples with a solid foundation as they start their journey together. In this concise and informative workshop, couples will learn:
- powerful communication skills
- tools for dealing with relationship “hot buttons”
- effective conflict resolution
- how to remove negativity from their relationship
- how to keep romance alive
- how to “affair-proof” their marriage
Topics addressed include wedding planning, relationships with family, and concerns about money, housework, intimacy, and children.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
9:00 to 6:00 pm
St. Monica’s Catholic Church
725 California Avenue
Santa Monica, California 90403
Reduced Rate: $200 per couple includes workbooks
Couples who participate in premarital education and counseling have 30% lower divorce rates. Don’t spend hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars preparing for your wedding day and forget to prepare for your marriage! Email or call me today to reserve your spot.
Mary Kay
Welcome to My New Website!
I am really happy to be launching this new website this week.
Many of you had asked for an updated format where you could get new information, sign up for my emails and stay in touch. I think that you’ll find that this site will allow for all of that and more.
Just to highlight a few new features:
Don’t forget to take a few minutes to complete the Relationship Survey and see how you and your partner’s relationship is shaping up. There’s a special free offer at the end of the results page that you won’t want to miss! Click on the Upcoming Events link and read about the dynamic workshop I’m offering in November for Engaged Couples. Participation in this 8-hour event, Start Right, Stay Connected, is the best way I know to start a marriage. If you’re engaged or even thinking about getting engaged, you won’t want to miss this. Also, I’ll be updating this section each week, so be sure to keep checking back for interesting articles, photos, quotes, and ideas. Feel free to send me anything you’d like included or questions you’d like me to address.
And one more thing—-if you like this website and want to build one of your own, I recommend that you contact Doron Orenstein at Magnetic Webworks. Doron is a true professional: fast, smart, talented and responsive. Here’s his website http://www.magneticwebworks.com. Give him a call and tell him I sent you.
So start clicking and get to reading and be sure to leave your name and email address.
Have a good week!
Mary Kay
