Triumphing Over a Popular Trifecta of Stress & Anxiety: Sex, Food and Money
Part 1: Sex Addiction
This intriguing trifecta – sex, food and money, are three of the most sought-after pleasures life has to offer. Yet, we’ve all suffered the extremes of having too much of a good thing – when longing becomes lusting and increasing stress and anxiety lead to obsession.
But there are warning signs if we choose to listen, whether they are nagging little thoughts at the outer regions or outrageous behaviors that become hard to ignore. These warning signs indicate perhaps seeking help is a good idea, around about – now.
In this first of three articles, I’ll address sexual addiction and reveal how you can develop awareness and mindfulness into your behaviors and take the first steps towards a healthy, loving, fulfilling sexual relationship.
Awareness of When the Healthy Becomes the Unhealthy
Like other addictions, sexual addiction is difficult to address until one accepts that there’s a problem and that takes awareness of how your behavior may be affecting your everyday life.
Sadly, it’s often a major event that signals to an addict that it may be time to seek help such as a breakup over an affair or a health crisis. So, learning about various types of sexual addiction becomes key.
Dr. Patrick Carnes, a noted sex addiction expert and author of “Don’t Call It Sex” outlines a number of problematic sexual behaviors that can indicate addiction:
- Fantasy sex involves an obsession with a fantasy sex life that’s so overwhelming that one stops having genuinely love sexual relationships.
- Seductive sex involves manipulating and charming others into numerous sexual relationships and affairs.
- Anonymous sex involves feeling aroused by strangers to the exclusion of forming personal relationships.
- Paying for sex and trading for sex are two forms of business arrangements that preclude an emotionally healthy sexual relationship.
- Voyeuristic sex involves becoming aroused by watching other people have sex through pornography or secretly watching people have sex.
- Exhibitionistic sex involves flashing parts of ones body in public, posing for photos or having sex where other people can see the sex taking place for the purpose of causing shock or disapproval.
- Intrusive sex and exploitive sex involve touching others sexually without their permission; often in relationships in which one person has authority over another.
- Pain exchange sex or S & M involves associating pain with sexual pleasure
Awareness of Behavior & Triggers
Awareness of our motivation to perform certain behaviors is key, particularly when faced with an addiction.
Identifying those triggers that precede our behavior then, is the first step to determining our motivation. When do we engage in this certain behavior? When we are vulnerable or feeling unloved or unappreciated by someone significant in our lives? Is it when we are feeling “blue” or as if we “deserve” to act a certain way because, well, life is just too short not to do what we want?
A thoughtful analysis of the triggers that precede a troubling behavior is an important step to bringing awareness and clarity to the behavior itself and allows you define what you do want.
For instance, in the case of sexual addiction, the goal is most probably a healthy, loving relationship that feeds both your body sexually and your soul – a relationship in which your self esteem is intact and in fact bolstered, simply by being accepted as the sexual, exciting being that you are!
Mindfulness to New Behavior
If insight and awareness into how your behavior may be contributing to an addiction is the first step, then mindfulness to a new set of habits and behaviors, including the visualization of a goal, can be considered a critical second step.
Mindfulness can take many forms including:
- Education about what constitutes a healthy sexual relationship
- Individual counseling and/or marriage and family therapy
- A support system like Sex Addicts Anonymous
- Confiding in those close to you who care about your success
- Following religiously, the repetitive tasks that you’ll determine are necessary for success, even in the face of everyday struggles
If you’re experiencing sexual behavior that’s difficult to stop or that you’re keeping a secret from others, or if you’re using certain behaviors to numb yourself from feelings of discomfort or to avoid responsibilities, there is help.
Developing respect for yourself and others and creating a healthy, loving sexual relationship are critical to your self-esteem and happiness – and are absolutely attainable!
Help…my husband is married to the Dog!
A couple, I will call them Jane and Paul, first came to see me after about 3 years of marriage. Jane first called to seek marriage counseling stating that they were on the verge of divorcing. She said that they had been fighting a lot and didnʼt seem able to resolve their differences.
Upon meeting them I asked them to describe what it would look like if we were to be successful working together. Paul described that they would be “like they used to be”: they would be fighting less, having more fun and she would stop being so critical and angry. Jane said that she would feel more loved, have more attention and feel special. She blurted out, “Paul would act more married to me than he does to our dog, Fluffy”!
I led them through a guided meditation where they were able to reconnect to their positive memories of having met and fallen in love. I then had them express some appreciation for one another. They left, holding hands and eager to get started in therapy.
Sons, Fathers & Divorce: Successful Joint Custody Strategies
“My son wants to live with his Dad; what do I do?”
Suddenly the joint custody arrangement you shared with your ex-husband no longer meets your
child’s needs – at least in his mind – and he has made the decision that he’d like to live with his
father full time.
While to your son this may seem a logical request, to you, it signals the end of a relationship and
the closeness you once shared – and you may even be taken aback at the emotions you’re
feeling and unsure where to turn.
Chemistry of Love
As Valentine’s Day approaches, people are especially eager to connect with the perfect partner—and hold onto him or her for good. This is nothing new; mankind has searched for aphrodisiacs for centuries. The ancient Romans slurped down oysters, the Chinese swore by shark fin soup, and the Arabs were keen on camel’s hump.
But for modern romantics, science has some encouraging news: Our body equips us with some natural and powerful aphrodisiacs, along with the tools to make romance last.
Humans have evolved three different brain systems to encourage mating: sex drive (lust), feelings of attachment (trust), and romance (being in love). Each of these systems plays a role in desire, and scientists are now beginning to pinpoint the bodily chemicals that trigger each.
Happy Holidays!
Well, it’s that time of year again. I’m hoping that all of you, my friends, family, clients and therapy seekers are having a nice season. I know that it can feel rushed and overwhelming, at times. The season seems to demand more time, energy and money than we have. Many of us may feel that our resources are already taxed and then along come these new ways to stretch even further.
Breathe….
Seriously, breathe. Rushing around, multi-tasking, and ignoring self-care, create stress. And stress shoots a hormone, cortisol, directly into our bodies. Too much cortisol leads to fatigue, decreased energy, irritability, impaired memory, depressed mood, decreased libido, insomnia, anxiety, impaired concentration, crying, restlessness, social withdrawal, and feelings of hopelessness. And if that didn’t get your attention, stress also leads to overeating and weight gain!
Premarital Workshop on Saturday, September 11, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
9:00 to 6:00 pm
St. Monica”s Catholic Church
725 California Avenue
Santa Monica, California 90403
Reduced Rate: 200 per couple, includes workbooks
Couples who participate in premarital education and counseling have 30% lower divorce rates. Don’t spend hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars preparing for your wedding day and forget to prepare for your marriage! Email or call me today to reserve your spot.
Mary Kay
A New Way to Love: Living God’s Purpose for your Marriage
Couplehood is often a difficult road to travel. But one thing we know, it is a spiritual path that calls us into wholeness and completion as human beings. It is God calling us to our highest selves. We fall in love and get married and then all the unfinished business that we bring into the relationship starts to emerge. Not knowing how to deal with it, we often argue and fight and feel disconnected. But we know we want to stay together, we are committed to each other and in some way we feel unsure of what to do. If so, this series is just for you!
This six week program is an educational adaptation of the book, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. The book has sold over 2 million copies and has been translated into 20 languages.
3 Secrets to a Long, Happy Marriage
“Couple Celebrates 80 Years of Marriage!”
Just a sensational headline? Incredibly, no!
The latest in a number of marriages highlighted in the news over the past year tell the remarkable story of Mitchell and Mattie Atkins of West Philadelphia.
Find the Right Focus in 2010
Have you ever heard it said, “Change your thinking, change your life”? This wise saying is based on the notion that we participate in the construction of our realities. In other words, what we focus on, is what we create. Many people use up most of their air- time and mental real-estate with negativity, “poor-me’s”, and complaints. Is it any wonder that they cannot break free and create the life they wish they had? Whether it’s with career, physical health and appearance, or relationships with loved ones, let 2010 be the year where you intentionally focus on what you’re really trying to create.
Surviving Family Drama during the Holidays
Emily stood in the rain intently staring at the travel poster outside the travel agency. Stunning sandy beaches, sun streaming onto golden beach goers, calm water just as blue as a sapphire. But the photo told only half the story; the headline told the rest:
“Forget the Family Drama & Escape to Barbados for the Holidays!”
Memories of last year’s holiday brought a sting of realization that she still wasn’t talking to her sister after a big fight.
There would be questions and accusations as always – and she would be the bad guy. Again. And with that, Emily was making reservations for Barbados before she even realized what was happening!
